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    • #19209
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I’m reading manipulated… It’s my ex- every inch of the book… I need to read these books so I see him for the n********t he is and I never go back to him. But reading it is also so sad and scary. To think that he can and will continue to destroy my life… Never admit what he did. If he’s not charged (I’m starting to think he won’t be as its been weeks and I’ve heard nothing) then it will be more ammunition to use against me to say that I’m crazy. Every time he’s come back it’s been nothing at all to do with trying to make it work… Even though Id begun to believe he was an abuser and that he lived in a different reality to me- I thought it was just that. I had no idea that his every move was false and just a mask. All that to fool me… Everything he’s done has been to destroy me and to gain maximum effect- gain as much fuel as possible. Even when his abuse became physical- it’s only been enough to scare me and never enough for anyone els to really believe it would happen. He’s a charmer and has made me crazy!!! I have acted as a crazy person of which he has evidence… And witnesses of. I have sat on the floor hysterically crying and he’s recorded me, I’ve frantically and pathetically begged him not to leave me in front of his family. I’ve even had cmht involved and at one stage believed I had a personality disorder…And that’s exactly what he wanted all along because now he will say this is the ultimate crazy act… And everyone will believe it. They will all believe I’ve lied and made it up!

    • #19210
      KIP.
      Participant

      Wow. You explained that really really well. Makes sense to me and it will make sense to professional people who deal with these monsters and the terrible mental destruction they wreak. You can justify and explain every action you made (he manipulated you into making). I felt no one would believe me. The main thing is to try and remain calm (easier said than done) and explain your actions, if you have to, in a calm measured way. Just like you’ve written on here. You’re not mad, crazy etc. You just reacted to serious abuse which traumatised you. It’s not your shame or guilt to carry. It’s his❤️ He spat in your face, assaulted you etc. We minimise the abuse but what he did was appauling and he kept getting away with it. Well done for saying enough is enough. It will take time but everything becomes clearer when the fog disappears and believe me, it’s him that comes off worse. They just can’t help themselves. Stay strong. You’re doing well and now he knows you are prepared to involve the police x

    • #19212
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your reply.
      It is his shame but that’s not a feeling he’s capable of feeling :(. He’s so so good at pretending he can feel it- along with every other emotion under the sun that he has no real capability of feeling. I’ve always been aware of the word n********t but I had absolutely no idea what it really really meant. It’s ingrained into me that most people know rite from wrong. How naïve and stupid of me to think that evil people are easily spotted. All this time I’ve thought that he’s like everyone els underneath but he’s not. I thought that I was the problem, that I could be the solution by behaving in the way that he wanted, but every time the rules have changed. I’m relieved to be free of that constant fear and anxiety but I feel utterly stupid and pathetic that I didn’t see it for what is was :(. I’ve been posting on here for a really long time. We have separated so many times before and every time I’ve really really wanted him back and beloved he would realize his mistakes.. But he won’t.. Well he will… He already knows them but they weren’t mistakes they really were all deliberate acts! Every single one was just for a reaction from me. How stupid I’ve been!
      And the most stupid thing of all is that if he were to come back, I still don’t know if I’d have the strength to not believe him and fall for it all over again. He hasn’t tried to contact me and hand on heart I don’t want to contact him… This is the first time I’ve ever felt it. It’s heart braking as I still love what I thought he was.

    • #19214
      KIP.
      Participant

      We all loved the ‘fake’ them. The perfect partner that mounded themselves into our world making us feel we were special and had found our soul mate. Very very cruel narcissistic people. Read more about trauma bonding. It can take years to recover. I’ve been away for a long time and I still worry if he came back he could persuade me to take him back. He’s played those terrible mind games so many times but the more we educate ourselves, the easier it gets to see right through them. They are shallow weak insecure little men. They are nothing without us and we are everything without them. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We will recover and move on and find happiness again. They are not capable of true happiness. Nothing is ever enough for them.

    • #19217
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Did you do the Freedom Programme?
      These books are terrible to read at times. I am very careful at the moment and rather not read anything like this.
      It is no surprise you behaved that way. He found your weakest points and layed into them.
      Then he took advantage of you and filmed you without your consent.
      If he uses these videos you could sue him.
      You will feel better the longer you are away from him.
      Make sure you go zero contact.
      Whenever you become weak post here so that we can talk you out of it.
      Speak to you local WA and find out how they can help you.
      Do you have counseling? If not pester your GP.

    • #19221
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I never did the freedom program. Last year I went to the first session and left after 10 minutes. I didn’t know half as much as I know now and I was so vulnerable at the time being heavily pregnant. I couldn’t see him for what he is and I still felt it was all my fault. The police refered me to the freedom project again a few months back but he’d gotten in touch again.. And even when he wasn’t around- I didn’t feel ready. I think I will be again soon so I hope they will take me on the program- I think it will help now. I know that I won’t contact him. I don’t actually want to contact him at all. In the past I’ve always wanted to speak with him- 90% of the time I managed to hold my own and not contact him.. It was nearly always him who contacted me. But this time is so different… He can’t contact me because of his bail conditions.. But this zero contact unfortunately can’t last forever. We have our baby together, and even if he doesn’t directly contact me… There is bound to be some form, either via the official rout or some sort of third party.. And then he will manage his control by proxy. Just the thought of having to deal with him even threw another person fills me with dread and huge anxiety. I don’t know how I would hold myself together if I actually saw him. How can one person have such an effect. I wanted to spend my life with him and the thought of him leaving me left me an utter wreck but now he’s gone the thought of seeing him makes me feel the same way

    • #19222
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I said contact far too many times sorry lol

    • #19244
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi, I haven’t read that book, its so so hard when you realise what is going on and what they are really like. I still wonder if mine is sometimes genuine and does have a decent side, maybe because its too painful all at once to see he may not i dont know I remember when i first read about narcissim it was too much to cope with so I sort of pushed it away but knowing me has narcisstic traits.
      I have been just like you, he has pushed me and then recorded me when Ive been upset and crying or shouting, its pretty sick to do that to a person, make them so upset and then record them.
      Just take one day at a time whilst you are realising all of this, dont try to think too far ahead, sending you a hug x*x

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