Feeling hopeless today…

[Overcome]

Hi all,

For those that don’t know, I have been going through a break up with my abuser, we have children together and I still live in the family home – he works away a lot. We tried to put on a united front at Christmas time as he had family visiting that are not aware of what’s happened. (None of his family know, however most of mine do). I agreed to be amicable for the sake of the little ones and Christmas time. However, he was awful towards me the whole time, I felt like screaming from the rooftops about what he’s been putting me through but felt utterly paralysed. I heard him talking about me to his family and playing the charmer one evening whilst I was in the kitchen crying with frustration for the way he had been treating me. I should call him out, I wish I had now.

His family are becoming more and more distant towards me now, I knew that would happen, but I am grieving as I loved them all. There is only one family member of his that I feel understands what’s going on, she also lives with an angry and controlling man. I feel like she can see what’s going on – she even brought me a gift and a card for my birthday (which he boasted about not doing or buying anything for me, oh tell a lie, he texted me “happy birthday…” she told him he was mean for doing that and I appreciated her for it).

I am also struggling with staying in the family home, although I have no money saved up yet as I am still paying off my debt accumulated during uni. I wished I had gotten help sooner, I realise now that I wasn’t coping and would not go into work (agency work – no hours, no pay), instead getting by using my credit cards, what an idiot! As now I feel really stuck until I can get some money together.

Also, I had messages saved, conversations recorded and screenshots of things he had said to me. He found them and deleted everything! I am now starting from square one again but have been sending the proof to my sister. It feels like I am still in a relationship with him even though I’m not, I feel like I will never get away from him… his hateful words and actions have ramped up since Christmas because I keep calling him out on his behaviour, it doesn’t stop him from behaving badly but I tell him he is being abusive and I will not listen to it. It is starting to be aimed at the children now, I have warned him that I will report him if he carries on, something that he categorically does not want to happen! I have also told the children to speak to a grown up if it happens whilst I am not there. I am trying now to gather evidence to report this as I know first hand that without it the police are unlikely to be able to intervene, and it will easily come to his word against mine.

I feel so hopeless, without hope, and I want me back! I feel like I am never going to get him out of my life.

With love,

Overcome.

[Cecile]

Ok looks like you feel bogged down and in a quagmire of his abuse. You are doing good. Priority…make an escape plan and beak it down into achievable steps. Yes gather evidence but don’t fixate on it beyond what you are able to do. I have no evidence but am almost free, it’s not always required. I am just telling what happened and he hasn’t disagreed. If you are married you will be able to get a financial agreement. If not, then it might be worth while getting some free legal advice. Try Rights of Women. Or a local solicitor, most give an hour free advice. Keep a journal. Very important so that when the abuse clogs up your brain and you feel confused and pulled back to him you can refresh your memory and reinforce your intentions. Make sure you have a support network. GP, DV advisor if possible, any one you can think off. Have you got any friends or family who can help you to get out? Everyone who posts here has similar stories. You are not alone and not the first to experience this. Draw on the experiences of the other fabulous brave women who post here. You can get out, you do not have to stay and even if you have to take small steps it’s is achievable.💕

[Fudgecake]

Small steps are best. Don’t try and do things all at once. Even if you make plans for now that’s a positive step along the way until you take action. Keep going step by step

[Hetty]

As others have said take one step at a time. Could you go to citizens advice regarding the debt and could you explore alternative housing? You would qualify for social housing under the circumstances. It might not be ideal but in the short term could give you some peace away from him. Solicitors will sometimes offer half an hour free advice. There are always options. Make a list of what you want and how you could get it. Explore every possible plan to get out of this relationship ❤️

[Lisa]

Hi Overcome,

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, it sounds so stressful and upsetting.

We know that ending an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for many women, and the abuse does often escalate. Abusers will use any form of control they can still have to continue the abuse after the relationship has ended. It’s often the case that things get worse before they get better, it’s so tough, but hang in there, it sounds like you’re doing really well.

Remember you can get in touch with a local domestic abuse service if you feel that you need some extra support with this.

Take care,
Lisa

[Overcome]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I was having a bad day yesterday, but just letting it out on here helped me massively. I had a little cry last night after watching a rom-com (silly thing to do really) is it really that hard for these people to just swallow whatever pride that is creating this barrier and be nice? I just don’t get it, he’s a smart man in all other aspects of his life, why is he unable to see that he is about to loose everything he wants so badly to keep a hold of!

I have the number for my local advice lines handy, and will make use of them should i need to. Thanks again for listening and responding.

With love,

Overcome x

[Hetty]

To us ‘normal’ functioning people it just doesn’t make sense does it? My husband rants over the tiniest things which just isn’t normal and for a very long time I’ve tried to point out the error of his ways. There can be many reasons why people won’t face up to the issues and make positive changes. My husband has sought help but nothing works and he slyly came off meds claiming they were making him ill which I know is a lie as he never wanted to be on them in the first place. Takes no responsibility. He had a tough childhood I know but this can’t be used as an excuse and I’m not prepared to pay the price for this. We are nothing more than a buffer to their deep rooted psychological problems. Be kind to yourself and don’t waste your energy figuring him out. Just know that’s he won’t change and the abuse will continue for as long as you’re with him/in contact. I’ve wasted years. Every bit of joy sucked from me. X

[Author]

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