Feeling horrible about my self

[Millionpieces]

I wish i am someone else, may be he will love me, may be he will not abuse me. Will I ever going to find someone who love me, ever?

[Millionpieces]

I just hated my self,
I miss him so much even I know there’s no point to feel that way. And it’s horrible!!!

[Serenity]

Hi Sweetheart,

It wouldn’t have mattered who you were. You could have been the most beautiful, easygoing person in the universe, and he would still have behaved the same.

This is because he was projecting his inner anger and turmoil onto you, feelings that were not caused by you at all but were a part of him.

Abuse does make you feel rubbish- I know.

The only way to get over abuse is to counter it- to do something that will have the opposite effect.

For example:

If he made you feel ugly, focus on your physical health and beauty regime

If he was callous and unkind- go and be with some people who are very kind

If he made you scared of things- make a wild leap and do something that takes you out of your comfort zone.

As my excess very unkind ( I can’t recall him ever saying anything kind), I am now trying to surround myself with kind, normal people, to try to reaccustom myself to normal relationships.

I still find it very hard to receive from people, and very easy to give. I think this is because I was conditioned by him to ask for very little. I know I need to learn to accept things from others- that will help me feel valuable again.

What do you think you are lacking that could make you feel valuable again? Xx

[Millionpieces]

Hi Serenity,
Thank you for your feed back. I am surrounded with very kind, well mannered thanks God for that. And I’m trying to treat my self in some ways.
Today I was treating my self pedi mani and I was looking at the therapist (I’m (detail removed by Moderator)), she is young and beautiful. I’m kind of average nothing exceptional about me, anyway I was looking at him and thought about him. And cross my mind will he treat me different if I was blonde, beautiful and young?. I might don’t have any chance to have children which I wanted so bad, that makes me so hurt, spending all this years with someone who always said I’m not good enough for his child and treat me as object when we in bed, he never finish inside to make sure I don’t get pregnant. For nearly decade I stay with him and he manage to reject me that bad, and how can I stay that long? Why didn’t I leave? If he didn’t beat me, I might still be with him until now, how stupid I am! So dumb!

[Ayanna]

I can understand where you come from. If you always wanted children you are facing a very difficult time now.
But let me tell you, that the purpose of a woman in this world is not giving birth to children.
Life without children is good too.
I could not have children of my own due to a health condition. It hurt me a long time, but eventually I discovered the positive sides of not having children.
I am sure you are beautiful. He removed your confidence in your own beauty. This will come back.
Put make up on and play around with it a little bit. I am sure you will look stunning.
It is hard to get their voices out of our heads and to build self confidence again. I struggle with that too, like most of us who were abused.

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi MP, please know that his abuse had nothing to do with you and everything to do with his new own nasty self. He has projected all his self-loathing on to you because he can’t bear himself. If anything it’s likely you were selected because of your very goodness, they want to steal it from us. Just now you may still be seeing yourself through his eyes but in time you’ll see your beauty again. They waste so much of our lives and that causes so much pain and grief for times lost. I am very lucky to have my children, but sometimes I can’t bear that I decided to have them with someone as cruel as my ex as their father. Whatever our situation I think we blame ourselves as we are so conditioned that way. I struggle when I see signs of aging and grieve the loss of time. Sending hugs xx

[Millionpieces]

Hi PP,
Sometimes I just feel so lost, lonely and sad. I still missing him, the fight is with my self, reminding my self how nasty he was. Mostly in weekend like this I feel so awful.
I don’t want to May be not able even if I wanted to see other man. I don’t know I don’t even bother to try. I don’t think any men look at me. I’m lack of confidence even when I put make up on. I still remember I wasn’t allowed to put make up on, but I never listen to him as I believe I did it for my self. Deep in my heart I know I am not an attractive person. And I am not a person who like attention. I’m just an ordinary women who’s not attractive at all. And when I feel lonely I feel really sad. I realise no matter how much I care and I miss him I wouldn’t matter bcoz he never love me. I don’t have any idea we stay together for that length of years. Maya be he waited and waited to find someone can replace me all along he just didn’t find her sooner. I’m being used all this time..
Sadly That makes me remember his mum. She has been abused her self, from the story I hears his father treat her very bad. But then it is common in their culture. He didn’t respect her as well. I always told him to call her but he always find excuse not to. I know that the abuse run in his entire family. He been abuse when he was young him self. Stupid me I thought my love that I given him enough to change his world but everything is just a waste of my time, my life, I am the one loose everything.

[SaharaD]

Hi Millionpieces

Maybe you can do a course on self esteem and self confidence. Or reading some self-help books from the library or free website articles.

I think everyone has some attractive quality about them. Most men don’t really care about makeup.

Also try to find an activity (activities) to do on the weekend so that you don’t spend so much time alone ruminating.

I have a very full week and have always had to avoid myself ruminating.

I work on weekends; I volunteer or attend courses during the week. I attend peer support groups for mental health and women during the week. I have a private carer and I play women’s football through one of my local churches. I also started dating a few different men(nothing serious) just so I’m not sat at home feeling lonely. I also used to spend sometime in the GP gym and short periods of counselling and therapy groups.

Less time thinking about him and more time thinking about how I can improve myself and my life.

[Millionpieces]

Hi Sahara,
I have long hours work on weekdays and I d try to be busy on the weekend. Meet my friends or away for short trip. But as I work long hours sometimes I just want to give my self a break, stay home, watching tv, do laundry, or anything to keep me busy but I found out when I give my self a brake is when all the flash back coming back “hard”. It is lessen by time but I found it hurting me so much. I’m in no contact it is easier to pick my self back up again. Yesterday, I literally driving towards his address but I manage to get my self to do mani pedi instead and it was good for me. But at night I couldn’t sleep bcoz my head was all messed up thinking about him. Even when I go somewhere, driving in my car I have to listen to music (unfortunately the radio is broken) if I don’t that my mind will draw back into the abusive time and started to have brake down. I remember one lady from WA and the police man told me, the abused is gone, it’s not there anymore so I have to stop abusing my self by thinking about it”. The fact is I don’t want to think about it, it’s just keep coming back. I miss him very much then I started remember how he used to abuse me. That advise actually help me to get my self into the present. He is not around anymore, he doesn’t abuse me anymore, he doesn’t lie anymore. I wish I can stop missing him. How do I stop to miss him and care about him? I just wondering how he is? What he up to? Does he miss me? Or he don’t care?

[Ayanna]

Maybe you have posttraumatic stress. The effects of abuse do not go away quickly, some stay for life.
It does not matter what police officers and WA workers say. Some never get over such abuse without help.
Our system needs to understand that many just cannot fight this alone but need help.
We have generation trauma, because the generations have never had help with their traumas. They continued to traumatize those coming after them. This is a never ending cycle and cannot be broken as long as those in power refuse to pay attention.

[Serenity]

Hi Million Pieces,

Please read this brilliant article.

It explains why No Contact is only part of a process.

https://datingasociopath.com/2016/04/12/quitting-the-sociopath-psychopath-or-n********t-is-the-easy-part-why-implementing-no-contact-rule-is-only-part-of-the-recovery-process/

Hope it helps you x*x

[Serenity]

Also:

https://datingasociopath.com/2016/01/06/how-to-heal-and-move-on-from-the-sociopath-n********t-or-abuser-the-most-important-post-i-have-ever-written/

[Millionpieces]

Hi Ayana,
Thank you, I have counselling once a week, doesn’t really help though. This forum help me more than anything. I did ask if I needed therapy they said no. My counsellor said I have experience in my childhood I have been neglacted,it is true in a way but I have had so much love from family which I don’t understand. I am trying to understand it. So I was thinking that the abused is bcouse of I love too much. (It’s S***s)

Serenity,
Thank you so much for the link. It is great, I will read it carefully and put it in my mind. I really appreciate it.

[Author]

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