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    • #61649
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      So as usual contact with my husband has knocked me right back again. He rang (Detail removed by Moderator) like he does (Detail removed by Moderator)recently to arrange our older son (who’s still only little) going to stay overnight (Detail removed by Moderator). He doesn’t take the baby, he said as he doesn’t have a cot but I think it’s just easier for him to just take one.

      His tone was cold hard and angry and maybe like he’d had one or two drinks even though the last contact we had at the previous handover he was completely nice friendly and reasonable, even kissing me bye on the cheek?!?! So I was thrown and immediately intimidated as this was what he was like when I lived with him. Never shouted, it was words, tone, looks, intimidating behaviour etc.

      As usual spent the call blaming me for everything, making me feel guilty for leaving with our children, making me feel bad for leaving the area to be near my family, belittling my reasons for leaving, zero acknowledgement of his behaviour, just a cold hard tone. I’m so worried about what he might say/be saying to our son during these (Detail removed by Moderator) visits as he’s clearly angry at me and denying and minimising his wrong doing completely. He’s the victim, I’m the lowest of the low. Last time our son came home and was angry and hostile towards me and horrible all day the day after I collected him. It breaks my heart to think he could be turned against me or that he’d even try when I have done nothing wrong. I put up with dreadful disgusting behaviour to avoid this very situation until I could simply take no more. How can he blame me?!

      I can’t see any light at the end of this tunnel or how to move forward with any of this really. I have no plans for the weekend other than handing over half of our children and seeing my lying manipulative husband two days on the trot who seems 100% clear he had done no wrong!

      Unbelievable and depressing. When actually I have so much to be positive for. But this keeps dragging me down. It’s been months now. When does it feel better?

      🙁

      Xx

    • #61650
      KIP.
      Participant

      It gets better when you have zero contact. Can a family member drop your child off and arrange contact? You need to understand how abusers work. They will never admit guilt. They get their power from making you feel dreadful and when you carry the guilt they do t have to. That’s how they make themselves feel big and important. They are totally selfish and don’t care who they destroy in their quest to retain control. At this point I would be cutting contact with your child and him. You can bet he is saying the same to his child as he is to you. No matter what age his child is. One of the first posts i read on this forum has stuck with me. A woman was driving with her abuser husband in the passenger seat and their two kids in the back when her husband started an argument. He was losing the argument so while she was driving he put his hand behind her head and smashed her face/nose off the steering wheel. She managed to keep control but It stuck with me because so desperate was he to get control back and the upper hand as he saw it that he would have killed all of them. Including himself and not a thought for his children. This is how they work and I would advise any woman who has children with an abuser to limit contact to the bare minimum.

    • #61651
      maddog
      Participant

      KIP’s so right about zero contact if possible. I prefer to communicate with my ex through text or email. At least that way he can’t say things and deny it.

      My children are pretty nasty to me as well, especially when they’ve seen their dad. It is really upsetting to see and experience the same from my children as from my ex.

      Are you in touch with WA? I have spoken to my outreach worker which was a huge relief. We spoke about SS, and their use of words. I was advised to take no notice and whatever scheming plan my ex is up to, he will be digging a bigger hole for himself. They don’t stop digging. It’s all they know.

    • #61653
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      There isn’t anyone to do handovers, none of my family would ever want to see him again and I wouldn’t want them to have to either and I’m pretty sure my name is mud in his parents house where he’s temporarily living even though the problem solely lies with him!

      I just don’t get how you move forward when you can’t go zero contact with someone you have children with and the fact is if he took me to court they would say the fairly standard every other weekend one day during the week and half the holidays or whatever it is so I’d be worse off than I am now if it gets to that. So I don’t get what I can do. But he does seem to use the contact about and to do with the children as a chance to blame deny project minimise hoover love bomb gaslight or whatever he’s feeling at any given day. He’s the victim I’m despicable. He’s left with nothing and I’m oh so happy in my new life that I’d planned all along

      Honestly, it’s just ridiculous how deluded they are. Or make out they are. I’m so drained of it all.

      xx

    • #61654
      KIP.
      Participant

      Utter rubbish comes out their mouths. Don’t even try to work it out. It’s designed to confuse and take the spotlight off their dysfunctional behaviour. if he ever took you to court for access then you deal with that at the time. Meantime they threaten all sorts of nonsense. Hang up on him every time he goes off topic and block him when your child is with you. I can tell you he will abuse you this way for as long as he can. They don’t change and even when you’re divorced they still feel they can treat you like dirt.

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