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    • #146943
      roadtohealing
      Participant

      Its been weeks now, so long since the last big argument that I don’t even remember what the argument was about, not that it would matter because nothing seems to matter anymore, the arguments are all meaningless, they all merge into one, they hold no content, they’re just a product of his low self esteem and bitterness towards life and all his own failures, and I am just his ‘Emotional Rubbish Tip’!

      This is something he does to punish me for speaking up for myself or even having an opinion, the oh so dreaded ‘Silent Treatment’. I feel invisible, non existent, I try my hardest not to give him the satisfaction of seeing my pain, but sometimes the pain is almost physical, I often wonder why do some people end up in kind loving relationships and others end up like this? I sometimes wonder whether I have done something wrong in life to deserve this, I know I haven’t but it’s a thought that keeps entering my mind despite my logic telling me otherwise.

      Withdrawing communication is just another one of his ways of abusing me, keeping me on edge and off balance, I’ve lived like this for so long that I only feel as though I exist when I have a chat with other people, sometimes even strangers out and about even in a supermarket doing the weekly shop. In a way I’ve kind of isolated myself because all his ever done is mock, contradict and humiliate me in front of others so gradually I began to withdraw socially from others as a way of protecting myself, and now I find myself stuck in a rut with nobody to talk to, and even if I wasn’t isolated just how much can you tell others about your situation without feeling weak and ashamed?

      He’s stopped being intimate with me for years now, however he takes it up a notch by undressing and sleeping in another room too when the silent ‘treatment mode’ is switched on, which seems to be happening more often as time goes by. I never really liked him touching me, how can you when one minute you are being insulted and then the next you are being intimate? But when human contact deprivation is used as form of ‘punishment’ against you it really knocks your already damaged self esteem.

      I feel as though I still have so much life to live, and it’s wasted on him, I would love to be loved and wanted like I once was in previous relationships, I’ve forgotten what is feels like to be wanted, not sexually, just wanted for me being me, I miss that feeling so much.

      Stonewalling, gaslighting, take your pick, telling me I am ‘sick in the head’ as he puts it after saying and doing things and then denying them all, and yes I do feel as though I am losing my mind after so many years of vindictive mind games, having my soul destroyed and being reduced to nothing.

      Today I haven’t been able to just ‘brush things off’, today I have really needed a hug or kind word, today I haven’t been able to stop my tears from flowing, today has just been another day.

    • #146974
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi roadtohealing

      I know its not the same, but sending ((((hugs)))) to you in hopes you won’t feel so alone with this. All of us here understand the feelings you describe, and it can feel quite bleak being made to feel so isolated yet in a relationship. I suppose the fact of the matter is there’s no relationship and this is the loneliness you feel. Its cruel to stonewall this way, and gaslighting can make us doubt our own minds. You are suffering the normal reactions to this abnormal behaviour.

      To do this as a punishment is so cruel, and is emotional abuse, and its very effective at causing the pain you feel. If you’ve been together a while, he’s probably shown you that this is who he is, and how life with remain whilst you are with him.

      There are those out there who would love you for who you are, and not use such cruel abusive tactics against you. You deserve better than this.

      YOu are important and your belief in yourself is vital to building your strength for facing however you are going to deal with this. Do keep talking, and posting here. Do you have other supports around you like any close family or friends that might be trustworthy to share some of this isolating burden with?

      I do hope that you can feel stronger from reading and writing here.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #146975
      Cedarlemon
      Participant

      Hi Rth,

      Like TS I am sending you virtual hugs ((())) as I know exactly where you are coming from x They hate you having an opinion, sticking up for yourself etc, you are only there for to suffer with their emotional/physical poison 😡 They twist things so much that you start to believe there is a man in the moon if you know what I mean .. yes you do deserve so much better than this abuse x they seem to think it’s ok to dish out punishment as they see it and it’s all so mentally draining and exhausting … I am so so happy I found this forum because I really thought it was me and although I don’t post much it really helps by reading the posts and to know and understand the cycle of abuse x I hope you can carry on posting, take care xx

    • #146978
      tiredofitall
      Participant

      Hi RTH
      Every single word resonates eith me. I’ve lived that life for a long time and about (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago I snapped. I’d rather be alone and in control of my life than to continue to be treated in this way by someone who says they love me. I too have often wondered how I managed to end up with someone who treats me this way. But reading lots on this, they choose women like me who are compassionate and forgiving because they know we will put up with a lot more because we want to understand them. I hope you know that it’s a safe space here to share how you feel with no judgement. I’ve had lots if people tell me they had no idea what I’d been going through. How could they? I’m great at pretending. Partly to protect him but mostly because i knew if they really knew they’d wonder why I stayed. And that shames me. So I kept it hidden. Sending hugs to you.

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