Feeling isolated

[Silverbirch]

Hello. I’m feeling isolated and ashamed. I’ve joined an online group but just feel worse. It does help to hear the other women’s experiences so I know I haven’t been imagining it all, and I joined the group to feel a sense of solidarity, but that isn’t happening. I feel even worse about myself . The facilitators are lovely but I just don’t know if it’s wise for me to stay in the group if I’m feeling worse about myself .

[Sungirl]

I too felt similar when I first posted on here. I really wanted to read people’s stories as I was trying to find out and learn about my situation. But at times it was overwhelming and so I would stop
Using the forum. My husband isn’t physically abusive and is generally nice to me and we get along. He can be controlling though which I previously didn’t really realise. He is also very manipulative and nothing is ever his fault. There are so many small things he does to get his own way. I used to think he was stubborn. It’s now really affecting me and the kids but I won’t leave the house. He said he won’t leave so we’re stuck for now until I have the courage to do something about it. We haven’t spoken properly for days and tonight he’s booked a table for dinner. I really don’t want to go.

[Silverbirch]

Hello Sungirl, I’m hoping that you are finding a way to keep what sounds like a delicate balance at the moment, especially about going out to dinner. It sounds like you feel pressurised rather than invited. I remember those happening a lot. Now I’m out I never have to do anything unless I really want to. Stay safe and find ways to get your reality supported and affirmed. X

[cakepops]

I can relate to this. I once went to a local dv group, and I felt totally out of place. Without meaning to sound bad, my background was very different from them all in terms of education and jobs etc. It made me feel like I ‘shouldn’t’ have ended up in the position I am in because my background has been more ‘privileged’. It made me question myself and hate myself even more.

Where I live being a single parent is very unusual and I feel looked down upon in general. I’m sure people don’t mean to do this, but I am being left out of groups and activities that I used to be involved to that are all happily married couples and their kids. I don’t think it’s personal, it’s just that people like to stick together with others the same as them. Over time it’s got easier and I’ve found more friends.

Stick in there, you will find people that you gel with in the end, and places where you feel able to get support.

[Silverbirch]

Cakepops, thank you. That line – it made myself question myself and hate myself even more … I totally relate to that.

I’ve been back in the group since I posted and although I still feel ‘privileged’ and not as connected as I’d have hoped, I’m still continuing because I’m learning so much from participating. When it all comes down to it, the stories each person is telling are true in my own lived experience. I can see how my ‘privilege’ actually contributed to me staying because of the cultural and social and economic and ‘religious’ pressures. So I can see an activism coming alive in me; abuse happens to anyone, the pressures to cover it up or to stay are legion.

I do hope I can find a group where I feel I really belong and where people have similar lives/ experiences to mine. But until then I’m learning a lot and I am moved by the plight of all of us women.

[Anonymous]

Hi Silverbirch,

I totally agree. Abuse can happen to anyone. Class and culture don’t make a difference. But certain religions, cultures, or classes might influence the mindset of the woman in a way that makes them susceptible to abuse. Abuse isn’t about physical harm. A man can cause the same amount of fear without even touching the woman. If he can control without physical violence, that’s even better for him as he can get away with it.
I could be wrong, but being ‘privileged’ might prevent women from seeking help. There might be an image to protect, and they might be convinced they should be grateful for their lives.
No woman should suffer in silence. Any survivor of domestic abuse needs support after what they have been through.
I also felt bad after group sessions. The tactics of the abuser are tailored to the women. And although the goal among abusers tends to be the same, how they execute their power can be very different. For that reason, sometimes when women would share stories of what their abusers had done, it reminded me of why my abuser accused me of doing. They are so good at turning everything around on us and deflecting.
I’m happy you continued with the group and came out with a new understanding.
Best wishes for your recovery and future. Thanks for sharing with us xx

[Silverbirch]

Wow. Thank you Ocean. I feel understood and affirmed. I appreciate what you say and how you say it x

[Anonymous]

Xx

[iliketea]

@cakepops & @silverbirch totally hear you on this one! Same here. This last couple of weeks Im just embracing it. Life is too short and I’ve realised now I’ve changed my mindset Im really enjoying the peace and quiet! No more trying to keep up, trying to pretend I’m the same as the marrieds! I think afterwards it takes time to find a new group of people who understand what you have been through, or, if you don’t want them to know, just happy for you to be you as is, single, children, whatever that is. Beyond the labels of married and all that comes with it. Stay strong, concentrate on YOU, and what you do have. Its really helped me to change my mindset away to what I think Im missing out on, or being left out of. I even spoke up to a couple of women who were just not there for me but always expected me to be there for them. Didnt go down well but I have felt SO good without them in my life anymore! I think sometimes its hard to know who and what is draining you, its almost like you have to start from scratch and then build it all up again with the non-toxic and then like minded people. You’ll find them @silverbirch. xx

[Silverbirch]

Really helpful and positive Iliketea – thank you !

[cakepops]

The way I’ve tried to see it with dv support is that just because we have had similar experiences in terms of abuse that doesn’t mean we will have much in common in other ways.

I also try to compare with the historic sex abuse scandals which have been so well publicised. People like Jimmy Savalle got away with what they did because they were rich, powerful and well connected not despite it. Obviously this is an extreme, but abuse thrives in secrecy. People expect abusers to be unintelligent thugs, so when they see bright, articulate and well educated people saying they have been abused by others who are similar, it just seems too unlikely to them.

Part of my situation was that I would do and say anything to protect my ex and what people thought of him/our family because ex would get angry if anyone thought anything badly of him. So when people discussed their relationship problems I would always stay quiet. Therefore when I chose to end the relationship people couldn’t understand it because all they’d ever seen was me smiling and happy photos etc. I still struggle with that mentality a long time later – I hate to say anything negative about him or talk about the ongoing issues with child contact etc.

Others in the group I met seem to have moved on very fast to new relationships too and that’s not of interest to me.

Keep on chatting to people and hopefully you’ll find one person that you click with in the end. I have become quite close to one other mum in a similar circumstance to me locally and it’s made a huge difference even though it’s unlikely we’d naturally be friends otherwise. I still really miss having a wider circle of friends, but hopefully I’ll get there eventually.

[Silverbirch]

Hello cakepops, I’ve been thinking about what you wrote about protecting your ex and why. It is very familiar to me. Some of it is/ was fear driven ( wanting to avoid his anger, as I still try to do even at a distance). But some is definitely social conditioning, and perhaps maybe misplaced or misguided loyalty. What is helping in the DV group is seeing the same perpetrator behaviours being played out in all of these different lives, whatever the background or education or privilege. The strategies are from the same playbook. The sense of entitlement, the coercion, the moods, the threats, the aggression, the refusal to take responsibility for their own behaviour. Seeing this really helps me move from a position of shame and self blame towards a place of anger. What happened to me took up decades of my life and was absolutely wrong. There was no excuse for it. I can see that much more clearly now, even though I may not yet have found kindred spirits. So I do feel some solidarity, which is good.

Wishing you well.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you beachhut – I’ve been thinking about leaving the group but I do want face to face group support because until now I’ve dealt with this alone. I might speak to one of the facilitators and see what happens. Thank you for what you wrote – it makes sense. I feel bad because I’ve had more opportunities than the other women in the group and so there’s another level of self attack going on. This is what’s leading to a sense of being even more isolated. I wonder if this will ever end , this internal destruction.

[Silverbirch]

That makes sense beach hut – we carry guilt that we have nothing to be guilty about … I’m going to contact my local women’s aid and see if there are other groups in my local area. I will give this other group one more session and see if I feel more of a sense of belonging and connection. If not maybe I need to find another group. Thanks for your words x

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