Feeling like a busy fool who exists but doesn't have a life

[SunshineRainflower]

How do you stop yourself from feeling like a failure? This week I have been so busy but feel like I’ve achieved very little in the grand scheme of things. But what is much worse is that I have felt this way for many years. Ever since having a breakdown due to work stress, depression and anxiety many years ago I have struggled to get back into society, contribute and feel good about myself.

This week I have put more things on ebay, sold and packaged things up, done multiple boring trips to the post office, tidied and cleaned the house for multiple tedious, intrusive, depressing viewings, searched for and found a house, applied for the house to rent but now have to get a load of documents to prove income, done washing, cooking and looked after my cat who has been terrified of all the house buyers. I have also had a haircut, and have also been trying to finish this darn course I started ages ago related to my business which I desperately just want to finish. I have also been on the phone to agencies to return to the type of work I used to do, and found out that the people that registered me last year in each agencies has now left so I have to drive all the way back over to one to re-register, and another has messed up this document I need to do this type of work and I’ve had to try to sort that out, even though it was their error.

I feel like my summer has been rubbish as it’s mainly been spent decluttering, ebaying, job hunting and house hunting. I’ve barely done anything nice, haven’t been away anywhere or got much sun, or done much socialising or even walking. What’s worse is despite that tedious effort, I haven’t been invited to one interview yet, which worries me and just compounds those feelings of worthlessness, like I am not needed, don’t fit in, that nobody cares whether I lived or died.

I’ve been struggling again with increased anxiety and depression, and have started to go to bed really late again then I feel terrible all day. I don’t quite know why I go to bed late but it tends to be when I’m feeling depressed, I just don’t really care about anything, and then it feeds into the depression cycle. To keep going all day I just want to drink a lot of tea, and then I get that over caffeinated feeling with a racing heart which fuels my anxiety.

I can’t afford the gym anymore and anyway I feel like I don’t have time to go as there are always so many stupid tedious admin tasks to do. I am feeling pretty miserable about starting work because I’m already depressed and exhausted and struggling to get everything done. I have not done any work on my business all week as I have too depressed and tired and like there are too many other things to do, and then I feel like a failure.

I feel like I really need:

1. Some exercise
2. Some sunshine and time outside in nature relaxing
3. A nice bath
4. Some social time
5. To work on my business again and prioritise this as to have a successful business would be wonderful and help with a lot of my current problems

I guess I have felt like a ‘busy fool’ a lot of the time over the past few years – always busy yet somehow achieving very little and not really going anywhere in life. After my breakdown I learnt to increase my self care but the downside is that I feel like I’m always doing domestic things like food shopping, cooking, washing, decluttering, ironing on top of also trying to fit in exercise, socialising, hobbies and all the rest of it it doesn’t leave me much time to do paid work and ‘be a success’ rather than just exist. It’s so depressing because I keep hearing about people from school who are now film producers, successful business people, lawyers, psychologists, architects and I feel like the ultimate loser despite working incredibly hard my whole life. I suppose most of them chose one careerpath after school and have stayed on it, whereas I tried about three different careers and many many more jobs and only in the past few years found what I wanted to do and unfortunately it is in a sector that is hard to break into.

I think I just needed a moan. Thanks for listening. If you have any tips of how to feel less like a loser that would be good, thank you.

[Lightness]

Oh my goodness Sunshine

I can really relate to this. Well, certainly you are neither a fool nor a loser. I suppose one of the things we need to remember is that yes, we have peers from school who have gone on to do x y z – but they probably have not had the challenges that we have had. Had we had support and love around us we too might be in their shoes.
We need to pay attention to what we are telling ourselves about our worth.

I don’t really have a lot of insight to share in terms of helping you but I do want to tell you that you really are not alone in this.

We will get there, one day at a time. I look forward to having just one day when I don’t have to think about what happened and when my body feels free of it all. I look forward to throwing my head back and laughing fully. I look forward to having a holiday – not just a days leave to do chores. I look forward to having a home.
It feels like so long ago that I lived a normal day. But we will get there because we are determined, because we will heal and because we do matter – to ourselves first and foremost.

Lx

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Lightness, I didn’t think anyone would be able to relate to this post so it has made me feel a lot less alone knowing that others can. I am very bad at ‘comparing and despairing’ with other people, every day it really freaks me out what others have achieved. I feel upset that I haven’t got further with my life, mainly held back by depression and anxiety and abusive relationships. I am determined to keep going and achieve what I can, whilst also keeping my anxiety and depression in a manageable state. Thanks for replying xx

[anna]

Hi Sunshine,
Totally understand your feelings. Here are some suggestions to help with your thoughts about feeling like a loser. Here goes, be warned its quite a long list but you did ask! Oh and yes from my experience of myself and others I support in a self help group they help a lot. Please feel free to do any or none!

Start a meditation practice. ( dont worry I dont mean hours of silence in the lotus position unable to move!)
If you go on youtube they have thousands of guided meditations lasting from a couple of minutes to over 1 hour. These are guided. (Which I would recommend for a beginner) I suggest you try the sleep ones first as you have to go to bed every night and sleep so easy to do. Get snuggly and comfy in bed, set your alarm write a list of anything you need to do the next day so you can concentrate on the meditation. They have beautiful sleep meditations, floating among the stars, skating with a loved one in a skate park, walking on a beach, you name it. I have used these meditations for two years ( they are all free, though you can buy them too if you want) And wonderful, relaxing, full of imagination and most importantly fun. They have some for trauma and ptsd basically every problem you can possibly have as a human being will be covered by a guided meditation.
Within 4 to 8 weeks you will see a huge improvement in how you feel about things. It will also help you to sleep.
Though as you have commented on previous mental health issues avoid the meditations that focus on lucid dreaming, or spiritual ones that suggest out of body experience or meeting a spirit guide as that may make you feel anxious or worried. And in a very small amount of people can trigger a mental health issue. simply because they rely strongly on an imaganitive componant. But everything else go for!
Also i suggest listen to positive affimations but yet again avoid the ones that say I am confident, I am beautiful or whatever as that just reminds you dont feel like that at this moment! Instead go for ones that are bridging phrases such as ones that say I am becoming confident, I am becoming happier as they recognise how you feel now but allow you to see you can feel different in the future. (detail removed by Moderator)
Instead of setting yourself targits, I must go to the gym I must do such and such which will make you feel bad if you dont do them. (you need to be kind and compassionate to yourself. you have had a hard time.) instead of that think about being not doing.
An example about being not doing is to play ( yep im an adult suggesting to another adult to play) Get a big plastic box decorate it and put fun stuff in it that makes you feel good. My own has a scrapbook of photos of people i love photos of places i love images from magazines i like, anything to make me smile. I have a bubble blower, a cuddly toy, mindfulness colouring book a cd of nice music. Its yours do whatever you like hide it away if you may worry what people think.
Get out in nature if you dont want a long walk thats fine, The other afternoon i spent 2 hours watching bubblebees on the cornflowers in my garden.
If you are spiritual or religious you could go sit in an empty church or suitable religious building that aligns with your faith and take in the holy peace if not suitable with your beliefs find somewhere like a quiet wood, stream, or other place for quiet contemplation. ( the other day my husband and I saw a lady praying well we assume she was praying or meditating who knows! on a dramatic cliff top overlooking the sea!
Do something nice each day for another person. ( you sound like a lovely person) and when we do something nice for other people it reminds us we have value and are nice. ( im sure you do lots of nice things for people already, but dont give yourself credit for that or realise how tiny gestures make a huge impact on other people) Nothing time consuming or dramatic, just something small like letting a harrassed mum with a screaming child ahead of you in supermarket checkout. ( i remember a nice man holding my hand and getting me a cup of tea when i was struggling with depression, other people saw i was unwell at my self help group, i was sat with my head down and obviously struggling but he reached out and helped and i never forgot that kindness though he probably forgot all about it)
These are just some suggestions that people in my support group got me to do and I found this had a follow through in getting me to do the things i wanted in my case learning to garden, going to a hobby group, and now deciding to do study for a job i want to do. So now I pass on the suggestions that was given to me. Maybe one of them may resonate with you and you might want to try it. And if none of those things appeal thats okay too. Its mainly about reaching out to a community and knowing other people understand the boat you are in and care (which we do.)

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you so much Anna, your reply was so kind it made me cry! I love the idea of a playbox, it reminds me of a similar idea from one of my favourite books. I will give this a go in my new house and store it under the bed!

I did used to meditate but have got out of practice, but I think I will start to bring it back into my day as it really does help and 5 minutes can make all the difference.

I love all your other ideas, another poster on a previous thread also had some great ideas so I will combine the two posts in a document, print it out and put it on my wall for ideas of good things to do when I am feeling stressed, anxious and unhappy.

Thanks again, I was very moved by the kindness and time you put into replying, it’s very much appreciated and reminds me that there are wonderful kind souls in the world. xx

[Anonymous]

Your post made me cry… I recognise a lot in it.

I keep asking myself “how could I have been so stupid to waste the best years of my life to someone who treated me like s**t?”.

I feel like the most dumb woman in the world for letting someone ruin just about every part of my life…

And the worst thing to realise is probably this: that it all comes down to low self-esteem. If I had valued myself more, I would have looked for someone who valued me just as much or more.

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m so surprised people resonated with this post but it’s nice to feel less alone! You’re probably right about the self esteem, however, for me it was because I was bullied a lot as a child and didn’t have a good childhood so the messages I got from others were repeatedly that I was not ‘weird’ and ‘too shy and quiet’ and ‘not good enough’ etc. I certainly didn’t feel particularly loved, respected, encouraged, valued etc, perhaps it was the same for you – it is not our fault we had low self esteem, but now that we recognise it we can take steps towards building it up for the first time.

[Serenity]

Hi Sunshine,

I can identify with your post.

I feel that I exhausted myself over the summer, dealt with a whole mass of triggering situations, and people have been trying to beat down the boundaries I’d so successfully set.

It dawned on me the other day that some of us might be thinking that we need to be a certain way- productive, busy, social-
in order to prove to ourselves, and maybe even others, that we are survivors and that the abuse hasn’t beaten us. We try to get back to being the resourceful and productive people we used to be, to eradicate any sign of trauma.

But maybe we aren’t being true to ourselves by being this way. Who says we need to run, if we can happily walk?

Maybe we are longing to get back to certain aspects of ourselves before we met our abuser, and those things are important, but maybe the abuse has changed us, and we need to address and embrace that.

For example, my experience of abuse and people-pleasing in general has taught me to be loyal to myself above all. I know crave a quieter life. Not an isolated life, but I have didn’t so many years putting other people first, I want to spend more time and energy just exploring myself and my interests, to simplify my life and only focus on certain things that really matter to me, rather than try to juggle it all. Peace and simplicity and doing what I love are going to be my new priorities.

X*x

[Falling Skys]

Hi

I think we all feel failures and its hard it keep positive all the time.

But all you have done for a better future is out standing.

I have a mirror of positivity. I have written positive things on post it notes and as i get ready for work or having a bad moment i read them.

It sounds silly but keep reinforcing positives help. They range from me having a wonderful future to always finding a parking space.

FS x

[Confused123]

hey hun

i get asked was i really that naivive? I just answer yes must of been , abuse blows u away in a way u can never imagaine unless u experience, yes the time they made us waste on them does hurt us loads, i just try to focus on how forward i have moved since left ex and would recommend u to do the same, we cant change the past but we can change the future. It doesnt matter u didnt have the summer u wanted and was busy doing what u had to do to survive,,,,, and guess what u did survive, apt yourself on your back for your progress. slowly we will rebuild our self esteem

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you so much for your replies ladies, I was blown away by your kindness. Have had a migraine this weekend so just getting back to normal today. It’s made my anxiety worse so I’m just trying to be kind to myself, do what I can and look after myself.

Today I went for a walk and posted a few ebay sales, paid my deposit for my new place (I finally found a place to rent! Yay!!), did some ironing and I’m nearly ready to send off a speculative application to do part time work for this local company which I feel would be a great match for me. I also bagged up more stuff for the charity shop (I seem to have so much unecessary stuff, it’s so freeing to get rid of it all) and made a few phonecalls to the agencies. Not much but better than nothing. Migraines always leave me so drained that yesterday I could barely even sit up so it’s an improvement from that.

I’m just struggling with anxiety, I’ve started to have panic attacks in supermarkets again and even going for a walk. They seem to be triggered when I am away from home and sometimes make me feel like I’m suddenly desperate for a wee yet the feeling goes as soon as I get home, it’s awful. I had them really badly a while ago so I hope I can get on top of them again as I they massively interfere with being able to work and do basic life tasks like food shopping etc.

Anyway thanks all for listening and relating, I’m so glad to have found a place where people understand.

[Confused123]

Congratulations hun on finding a place , i know how much stress u was under to find a place, see these things just happen for a reason, better things r on the way . not sure how to advise u about the anxiety, hopefully some one else will be able to advise u

[Janedoeissad]

People have suggested some great stuff here but for me, I find I need to plan in happiness. For example, each year I will leave a £5 note in my coat pocket so I find it the next winter. It seems silly but I forget every time and get so excited when I find it.

What I am trying to say is that happiness does not always come and find you, sometimes you have to go and get it yourself.

I also find watching Ted Talks on you tube so inspiring. One of my favourites is leading with lollipops. It discussed the fact that you have probably had a positive impact on someone’s life and you never know.

I also write a gratitude journal. I sit down every day and write 5 things I am grateful for. If nothing else that list is usually 1. I am breathing 2. I had food today 3. I have a roof over my head 4. I have an awesome cat 5. I have clothes to wear. I then go on to add as many other things as I can. I can normally get to 10. The things I am grateful for are not huge things, sometimes something like “I went to Starbucks” makes the list.

The other thing is, start planning in the things you want to do. If you want to go for a walk, plan it in so you can look forward to it.

Finally, be kind to yourself, talk to yourself how you would talk to someone else. Tell yourself you did a great job ironing! If you have a panic attack, tell yourself its ok, its not a problem.

No matter what horrible thing my partner says to me, I will always talk to myself nicely. I will literally sit there whilst I am being shouted at saying “don’t listen to him, you are awesome, he just can not see it”.

Have you also looked at NLP. I have read a short introduction book and I LOVED it. Its all about increasing confidence and little tricks you can use to increase confidence.

I hope this helps. Sounds to me that you are doing a fab job of living day to day. You’ve just achieved one of your goals, to find a place to live. CELEBRATE! You have to focus on your achievements, do not ignore them, no matter how small.

[lover of no contact]

well done sunshine, a wonderful achievement finding a place to live. You are achieving loads and taking all the actions. All these actions you have taken and spent the summer doing were necessary and will all add up to a self-supporting life with no abuser in sight!

[Author]

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