24th February 2016 at 12:36 am #10307
So night time comes and once again I’m awake torturing myself with thoughts over and over again and I just can’t stop.
I feel disappointed in myself for letting things get this bad.
I feel angry that even though I’m split from him, I’m still not free because he’s there in my brain.
I’m a failure to myself for letting him treat me so badly that I don’t even know who I am any more. I don’t leave the house and when I do i have to be with someone otherwise I can’t do it, I panic when there’s a knock st the door, I’m constantly looking over my shoulder – that’s no life!
I’m a failure to my children for putting them in a position where they’re going to be forced to be away from me to spend time with a so called dad that they barely even know. They’re so little, my heart literally breaks at the thought. I know what it’s really about and trust me – it’s not about seeing the children.
I’ve got no idea of how I’m suppose to think or act any more because this has taken over my whole life. I don’t know how to be happy or enjoy anything because it’s a cycle of constant hurt anger fear anxiety and disappointment.
24th February 2016 at 7:28 am #10314Confused123Participant
Just of to work but wanted to reply quickly, how u feeling is totally normal, its not u that is a failure. When i left those r the exact words i said i feel like a failure. Its not u hun, he took advantage of u and your kindness, which lady wants to receive this abuse, they just trick us. It doesnt matter how long it took u, in end u recognise abused and u took yourself and your kids out of that situation, now is second stage where u need support to get u strong again and help u get over this,i would recommend no contact as much aspossible if not 100% , read up on abuse so many books out there, will text u later names andn get counselling , it helps so much, i know us ladies think we cant do no contact cause of kids but u can get a non molin place and still allow child contact ,i never knew this, no contact is so important to make u strong, they do have a massive hold over us and we need support to fight that,i only yesterday spoke to him by mistake cause of this pull, i find people telling me and reminding me i cant speak helps loads. U wioll get through this talk as much as u need to u will find loads of support on here . two book quickly why does he do that by lundy bancroft, u must read and another one is the dominator by pat craven
24th February 2016 at 10:02 am #10316
I know you’re right, it’s just hard to shake the feelings!
A lot of women I’ve spoken to on here have said about books that helped, I’ll have to look into this! I had a break from counselling to give birth, but hoping it won’t take too long to get back into!
I really think no contact will help, it’s just hard at the minute as we’re going to court soon. There’s no family members on either side willing to help with contact because of what he’s done to me. Our oldest is very young, and the youngest has not long been born. He has no relationship with either, nor does he have any idea of how to look after them so he currently still comes over to the house weekly (waste of time to be honest cos he doesn’t do anything he just sits there) cafcass said this went in my favour because it shows that I’m trying to put the children first. Just want it over with even though I’m dreading what the court will decide x
24th February 2016 at 10:32 am #10319Confused123Participant
Its not easy but in time it does get better, keep posting on here whenever u need advice,positive advice and support from surviviors always helps. if u unsure about anything just ask us and we will try to guide u, good luck with all court hearings
24th February 2016 at 2:16 pm #10330
Thank you for your support, it means a lot to finally have people who understand and not just tell you to get a grip! X
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