Feeling like an aged Cinders while he charms the neighbourhood

[Freedomfighter]

I’ve been slogging my guts out for months trying to get house cleaned and decorated. Using Christmas as excuse, but thinking of future and value of house too. Meanwhile he’s out chatting to neighbours. It was really brought home to me as I was writing the Christmas cards. Most are addressed to my husband ‘and family’. It’s my fault, I’ve been so ashamed at state of house and it’s broken windows etc I either keep my head down and rush inside or if feeling brace just smile or say hello.
He has no shame. He told me off Christmas Eve for being a miserable b***h and for my attitude towards him.  (detail removed by moderator)He didn’t like it and gave me such a withering look. I should have backed off and heeded his warning. I was so angry I just kept blurting out sarcastic comments and having a dig. I had to make myself walk away in the end. I could feel myself boiling inside. Trouble was it took such an effort to sit quietly and rest I ended up crying. He rubbed my back and patted me on the head like he does to the dog!!! I cooked him food, a healthy meal, he refused to eat it, said he’d promised to go to his dads and their Christmas party! Seriously, why do I bother?

[KIP.]

Sorry to hear this. Abuse made me hide inside a shell. I lost social skills. Feared he would humiliate me in public. And his confidence increased each time mine withered. It just gets worse x

[Janedoeissad]

I used to do the sane as KIP. I didn’t want the neighbours to ask something which would set him off, so I kept my head down. I’m still doing it now. Even though I left. People who see me who know me have to physically stop me to get my attention.

My ex used to say our house was a dump when it wasn’t but I used to ignore neighbours so they didn’t invite themselves round.

It’s not nice and you deserve much more than the way you are treated. Don’t ever feel like you are less. You are brave and have been strong enough to deal with his abuse all this time

Big hugs

J x

[iwillbeok]

Hi Freedomfighter, I am so sorry to hear you are having to put up with this. X

Mine was the opposite – no social life whatsoever. Hated ‘people’, only ‘friends’ with people who could serve some purpose. He was so rude about people behind their backs. Couldn’t (or wouldn’t!) remember people’s names. We were his whole world – it was suffocating. Couldn’t have people round as I was ashamed of the mess the house would always be in, and would worry what people might say to him. He hated to socialise as he was so fed up with small talk, I also think in hindsight he didn’t even like the ‘big’ talk as others would disagree with him and then he couldn’t be the big know-it-all.

Sending you strength. Merry Christmas x

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks ladies, although there are some differences mine is a limelight seeker and loves nothing better than standing around chatting to neighbours, people walking by, total strangers etc he also rips them to pieces behind there backs. I find myself defending people I barely know. I hate going out anywhere with him because he embarrasses me being so loud and scathing about others. If I try to quiet him he totally humiliates me, even if I stay silent and just walk away he’ll yell all over the place and attract as much attention as possible pointing me out so everyone looks. Thanks for reminding me why I’m planning to leave soon. I’ve been getting a little lost in the pantomime which is my life at present. I’ve been going with the flow, pretending nothing is wrong so he doesn’t suspect what I’m up to. I haven’t been able to go on here because he’s either glued to my side or I’m working like a fool to get everything ready.
I must keep writing in my journal too, I realise I haven’t been doing that either. I’ve just let myself get lost in the fantasy because he’s been nice and thoughtful and saying how much he loves me and has missed being close. He’s been saying he wants to take me out, he’ll pay for Christmas dinner out next year, weekends away etc
The reality is, he is exactly the same, promising me the world, doing very little to help, just enough to say he has done something, but really just making a big deal of very little, while I do the majority of the grafting. I’ve been grumpy and snapping because I’m so exhausted and in so much pain. Then he makes me feel like I’m being such a b***h
Nothing’s changed! He’s still selfish, still doesn’t believe he should do chores, except going to the shop to buy something i need, but disappears for hours hoping he done everything by the time he gets back.
Thanks for keeping me grounded, reminding me of the real world. He’s been offering to help, but always times it beautifully so I’ve already done most of it, or makes such a meal of the simplest things, or such a hash of things I get exasperated with him then he says ‘I’d better leave it to you I’m just making you mad’ classic putting the blame on me.
He’s bringing his father round. Dreading it! I can’t stand the man. He’s the one who taught my husband how to be the charmer to the world and a liar, deceiver and manipulated like himself. Wish me luck, I’m going to need it! Hope you all had a good Christmas, thanks for the reality check

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