Feeling like i dont even want to breathe anymore

[ineedtosurvivethis]

I must apologise to those first who have been there with kind words when I have posted up before after a huge break up with a (detail removed by moderator)! I did listen, I just got hovered back in and was therefore lost in the riptide of his insanity.
Unfortunately, I was weak that I went back, I tried my best keeping my distance but that seemed to make him more eager for my attention, then when he had my attention, I was subsequently deemed ‘too clinkgy’ or ‘needy’ . He and I met up intermittently where we would just meet for a few hours and then it turned into overnight stays. Then the routine of his behaviour rapidly came back.
I feel such a fool.
He thinks I am the one with the problem, that the whole village think it (due to his smear campaign) and that I am the one who needs counselling and, get this….he wants to come in the sessions to sit there and to listen what I have to say to a counsellor so he can be satisfied with the process that I am the one who is mental. The counsellor I have spoken to was concerned about HIS behaviour and cottoned on quite quickly. They mentioned doing a session, I ran it by him and he shrugged it off, only to bring it up in arguments weeks later. Totally frying my brain in the process.
When he and I speak on the phone he raises his voice and is so critical and if I question it back all I get is the phone put down and the silent treatment. I think it is the most frustrating and immature thing he does and if I leave him be he will contact me the next day and act as if nothing has happened.

When I stayed over recently, we were waking up and he asked me to pass him his glass of water. I passed it him and a tiny bit splashed onto the bed. Oh my god, the hell that was unleashed then was venomous. How could I do such a thing? It wasn’t an accident he said! I did it on purpose and he got out of bed screaming and shouting at me in such a rage. I hadn’t seen anything like this before.
I was so perplexed and stunned at the ordeal I didn’t know if he was joking or being serious. Unfortunately it was the latter, I was done for basically.
He came at me in such a rage, I pushed him away and he went mental further. I tried gathering my stuff up to get out of there and he put his video phone on videoing me saying I had hit him! I rushed as much as I could. Noticed he had hit his face and was then videoing things saying I had done it! I just left.
A while later he and I spoke, he said that he now has video footage that he may use if I don’t do as he says. I feel completely lost and trapped.
The police are already aware of him and have done an emergency MARAC meeting. I’m questioning whether I tell them or not about what happened so they at least have a report that he did what he did because knowing him, if I put a foot wrong he may go to them and say I have abused him.
It gets worse, he would ring me daily to see what I am doing (still does) and if I say if I’m doing anything he will go mad and say ‘if I want to make things upto him I should stay in and think about what I have done’
HE makes out that I am the abuser, the one with the problem and I have just ended up feeling emotionally violated, confused and lost. He will make plans then cancel at the last minute and disappear, playing games with my head and making me feel inferior. I wouldn’t mind but he isn’t an oil painting and I know I can do a lot better.
He has just completely messed with my mind, he is still spreading things around the village but I play dumb to this. He follows me when I go out driving in my car, I noticed it the other day and had to stop at a well lit petrol station just to see that I wasn’t going crazy and he followed me in there. I drove off, he rang me acting nonchalant and I asked him where he was and he said ‘oh I’m at the petrol station’ then laughed. Then acted as if nothing had happened afterwards. So I started to doubt myself.
He will have his days of being nice for a few hours, then it will go into pure sadistic ugly nasty rants. I don’t know what to do, I feel completely lost, trapped and unsettled. I’m starting to question if things really happened and I live so close to him that I don’t know how I’m ever going to get away from this without hurting myself or dying.
I don’t know whether I’m able to help myself anymore, I’m past the stage of caring. This man is brutally savage and raping me emotionally that I don’t know where else to go from here.

[Tiffany]

This sounds awful and terrifying. I would be reporting everything to the police and considering going into a refuge a very long way away! Can you end things again, with police support and go completely no contact? Call the helpline and work out a plan which keeps you safe. This man is obviously dangerous. Please do everything you can to keep yourself safe. None of this is your fault.

[Anewbreath]

Hi ineedtosurvive this,
Have you considered establishing no contact? It will be difficult to do with him so close but I believe you can still do it. Ring the hotline, see what they advise. Keeping detailed accounts of your interactions with him (past and future) may also be useful in the future. Relationships should make us feel good, not drive us insane. He is already building defense / blackmail against you. You need to start recording your side of things. Talking to the police about your options right now regarding his behaviour may prove useful to you as well. All the best.

[ineedtosurvivethis]

Thank you. Yes the Police are well aware. He is dangerous and he keeps saying its me!
What gets me is that he thinks this behaviour is normal????? He is going out of his way to brutally ruin me and then is nice to my face. I get so confused because I think he is going to change. But he won’t. When he is in this moods, it takes days, maybe weeks for him to come out of them. No contact is a no go, because he just will go to extreme lengths, he says the Police say its me and that they are supporting him, which I know is absolute tosh because they wouldn’t have referred him so quickly to MARAC. They don’t take things that lightly they saw the signs, they know he has unpredictable, dangerous moments. Ive tried no contact, he will do everything in his power to stop me from continuing it. WA has been a great comfort for so long, I don’t know what I would do without them right now. They understand that I have to keep him at least in the loop of a message so that he doesn’t go too far. I know what he is upto. Worst thing is that, he keeps posting cards and letters through my door saying its from people who are watching me at the moment. The penny kinda dropped when he told me weeks before that people are watching me from where I live who he gets ‘information’ from. Information I might add is completely untrue but he chooses to berate me for.
As for the Police they have been pretty good, but since the referral has been made they don’t have much involvement. I wish I could know what to do but I am confined to many things because he will just explode if I do anything else. Just sending a reply message at least makes me a bit more comfortable than him following me around or pushing stupid dumb letters through my door from other people.

I should know better than this. I’m so angry with myself for letting it get this far!
He acts so sweet in public, that people cannot believe he is this monster he truly is. I am getting a Dictaphone tomorrow so I can record any rants that he makes because when he does, its truly horrifying.
Thanks to you both. I need some confidence right now. I’m at a total loss of what to do.
xxxx

[SunshineRainflower]

I would report all incidents to the police, ring the helpline and make steps to leave asap. He sounds very dangerous and you don’t want him getting you arrested for abuse, I hear this is a common trick of abusers and is totally evil although it sounds like the police would see through it if he is already known to them.

Google trauma bonding and (detail removed by moderator) in abusive relationships because it sounds like that is what is confusing you, as well as the fact that abuse is very confusing in general. If you can see the times he is ‘nice’ as all manipulation it helps to see them more clearly for who they are. Also, don’t blame yourself, these men are expert manipulators and liars and all of us on here have been fooled by one, it doesn’t make us bad or silly or weak, we are just human and we saw the good in and cared for someone who didn’t deserve it.

[Author]

Posts