Feeling like I’m making a big deal out of nothing…

[Anonymous]

Am I crazy?
Recently I heard from a professional that abusive men believe the image they work so hard to convey. Delusional, right?
There are so many people who see how wonderful my ex behaves while they are watching, and they think he is amazing. And I’m currently wading through the abyss, and believing the lies so eagerly supported by those in the position to help.
Then this familiar thought creeps in…
What if it’s me? What if I’m the delusional one believing my own lies?
I have people in my life that know the truth and try to get me to focus on all the incidences where my ex caused pain and harm with an expression of sadistic pleasure.But even that facial expression fades away in my mind and I see his smile and hear his laughter, remembering the man I loved. All the hope I had for our lives together, and for the father I desperately wanted for my children. When I see that face and recall those memories, my heart fills with sadness, grief , and guilt. I think, it must be me. Maybe the bad isn’t as bad as I think, I mean that is what he told me over the years.
While I battle to protect my family, I am being swallowed into the darkness where I feel there is no return.
Surely if it was true and bad, we would be protected. Right?
Thank you for reading through. I feel lost and don’t want to burden my friends with the same doubts over and over again.
And thank you all for sharing your stories. It’s the only thing that keeps me from falling into that pit, as I read through and see my experiences. They are so similar.

[ISOPeace]

Ocean I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. It sounds really tough. No, you’re not crazy. It sounds like a really heavy burden to carry. A burden that he put on you. Perhaps the trauma bond is still quite strong.

I don’t believe you’re making things out to be worse than they were or that you’re delusional. Not for a minute. Delusions are to protect people. If an abusive man believes his lies, it’s because he can’t face the idea that he’s not the kind of person society approves of. He wants to believe that he’s a good person. Let’s just say for a minute that you were the delusional one. How would you be protecting yourself? Whose side of events have kept everyone safer? Your version has lead you and your children to safety.

When you wonder whether it was that bad, would you honestly want your daughter to have that kind of relationship? If not, it’s sign that things weren’t ok and that it wasn’t a healthy relationship for your children to see or live with.

Unfortunately our culture and systems make it easy for abusers to get away with it. I’ve read a bit about it and there are various reasons suggested e.g. abusers in powerful positions (e.g. politicians and lawyers) manipulate the system, people don’t want to believe that they or people they know will get caught up in abuse, so they downplay how widespread it is and that it can happen to anyone, even non abusive men benefit from our patriarchal culture and the idea of men being more dominant perpetuates abuse. There’s an article online called something like “How society gaslights survivors of n*********s” by Shahida Arabi. Links often get taken down so probably easiest to Google it. Sadly survivors of abuse often don’t get the support and protection they deserve.

I read somewhere that survivors of abuse often need to have their experiences validated many times. We’ve spent so long having our thoughts, feelings, judgements etc invalidated by our abuser that we constantly doubt ourselves. It takes time to undo all that messing with our reality. It takes a lot of the opposite experience (i.e. having our experience listened to compassionately and accepted) for us to process what we’ve been though.

The beauty of this forum is that you can’t overload anyone, because there are so many people who can respond. Keep sharing. You help all of us who read it as well. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Anonymous]

Hi ISOPeace,

Thank you for replying to my post. It means a lot to me. And you are always very helpful. I finally looked up trauma bonds, and that makes sense. Unfortunately I can’t stop contact, and the current situation is really messing with me. Something happened recently with my ex that caused me to freeze, then my heart began to race and I wanted to run. I suppose it was the trauma rushing back. After being really annoyed with my ex for what he did, I started feeling sorry for him. And that’s when I was reminded of ‘good times’. Experiencing that led me down that downward cycle. It helps to see it for what it is.
I hope you are well xx

[nbumblebee]

@ocean I have no words of advice im a mess but I wanted to say you are always one of the first to comment on a post offering advice and support and you are amazing. Never doubt yourself or what youve been through or how strong you have been.
Maybe its time to talk to a counsellor? Talk about what you went through and how you are feeling now maybe they can help with the doubts?
Honestly youve been a tower of strength to me and others you really should be proud of yourself.
Hugs xx

[Author]

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