Feeling like it was all my fault

[Starmoon]

Like i shouldve been more grateful and more positive. Mayeb im too negative and dragged him down too much

[KIP.]

Every time you accept the blame and the guilt, it means he doesn’t have to. Self blaming is a huge gift to an abuser. The abuse was not your fault. He chose to behave that way. He had a choice. Time to be gentle with yourself. To self care. To build your confidence to never ever accept abuse again.

[Borntobefree]

Hi starmoon
Do not blame yourself..abusers should not abuse in the first place .I felt like you for a while
Then I remember all the things he did to me

It wasn’t love it was torture

[duvetday]

Hi Starmoon,
None of it was your fault. But I understand why you feel this way.. It’s natural. But yeh..it’s definitely not your fault.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Starmoon,
They always make us feel like we don’t try, we’re the one who’s difficult . That we are negative, we drag them down.
Try thinking about an incident that makes you feel like that, but think about it as them pulling you down, or is he blaming you for something he’s doing. That’s what I’m currently doing because I started thinking was I not being fair, not giving him a chance. He told me I was ungrateful, he was working his butt off but I didn’t appreciate him. Of course I felt guilty. Then I listened to the advice on here about mirroring and writing down everything that was happening, and how they blame us etc. When I really sat and thought about it, I was the one working my butt off. Yes he was working hard for him (making a big show of doing a little bit). He was the one acting all irritable and angry one minute then laughing the next, then back to shouting abuse at the TV (pretty sure it’s me he’s telling to F off, but blames it on tv). But I felt guilty because he told me it was me being ungrateful and expecting too much. It’s not me, he’s just lazy and abusive and then blames me. It’s hard to see at first because they brainwash us into believing it’s all our fault.
But try asking yourself if he’s blaming you for something He is doing. I’m seeing it all the time. He even tells me not to let people manipulate me, while he does it. They really don’t have any sense of guilt or shame. Don’t know if they can’t see it or don’t like others controlling Their Property! Don’t know if he’s crazy or just evil and devoid of feelings, maybe just not human, but try it.

[Starmoon]

I hate that after years of this, i still feel it mustve been my fault. I really dont know whats unacceptable. Maybe a was too picky over the things he did? Im even starting to wonder if my perception is tptally off and that i have no empathy or low empathy.. maybe i was selfish anendidnt see things from his side enough.. like when we visited him when he worked away… was i selfish for arguing with him over not getting tine with him

[Author]

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