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    • #62740
      Blackfish
      Participant

      I have been with my partner for over (detail removed by moderator). We are not married and we don’t have any children.

      Over the last (detail removed by moderator) years I’ve watched my partners confidence dwindle, which isn’t helped by my low sex drive.

      (Detail removed by moderator) years ago we made a decision to move into a family members home and take on another relative of mine as a lodger so he was not displaced. Things took a sour turn and my family did bury their heads in the sand when we told them how horrible this person was to live with. They didn’t take action as they didn’t have to live with the problem and felt we were probably being over sensitive and exaggerating.

      Things took a bad turn and resulted in us having to leave the house as said lodger made many threats.

      It meant I didn’t talk to most of my family for several weeks out of hurt and anger.

      We moved in with my partners parents who have been fantastic. But I don’t feel home, and everytime my partner drinks or we have the slightest row, he makes sure I know it’s not my home.

      He’s always threatning to end the relationship and always makes a point of telling me that the relationship will end because of MY family.

      We have been out of the situation for over (detail removed by moderator) now, living with his parents and he still can’t let go. He still brings it up several times a week, makes crude jokes about my family in front of people and calls them names. I wanted to build bridges with my Mother which I have started to do but he says he doesn’t understand it and thinks I’m an idiot. He’s also said when we have our own place again she will never be welcome, and if we have children, she should never be able to see them. I want to spend time with my Mum but I’m made to feel guilty about it and feel like I have to hide any conversations with her. Once, he heard me on the phone with her and said I was spineless for acting like everything was OK.

      My rock through all of this was my sister who was a great mediator, gave advice and helped.

      (Detail removed by moderator).

      He also wrote off another friend of mine when I mentioned that she had said she felt he could make her uncomfortable with the crude jokes about my family. She’s now banned and an idiot as well.

      (Detail removed by moderator)

      He is constantly asking me what I’m doing on my phone, and I have to show him the screen.

      (Detail removed by moderator)

      I’ve never once cheated on him. I’ve never intended to, even started to.

      I’ve always considered myself very strong, but I’m constantly walking on egg shells and feeling like I have to hide conversations with my family. I want to visit my Mum and I’m scared to as she lives far away.

      If I leave, I have nothing. All my belongings are either at his parents or in shared storage, and I know it sounds silly but we have a dog and I’d miss him so much it breaks my heart as I wouldn’t be able to support him as if leave I’ll have t stay with family who are not local and I wouldn’t be able to get to work. My job doesn’t pay enough for me to rent privately in the area. I’m just stuck in this house feeling eternally shameful for something I haven’t done and increasingly cut off and guilty for talking to my friends and family.

      Is this abuse? Is it controlling? I’ve tried pointing it out to him in arguments and he tells me if I call him controlling one more time ‘we’re done’ or tells me I am completely overreacting and its a row, nothing more. Or points out all of my families faults and tells me I’m belittling his anger.

    • #62771
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Blackfish,

      Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting, I know it can be hard for the first time. The behaviour you explain by your husband does sound abusive and controlling. Turning a situation round to blame you and threatening to end the relationship are both commonly used abusive behaviours. Emotional abuse can be very subtle and difficult to recognise but it is extremely debilitating.

      You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. Nothing you have or haven’t done has caused this and unfortunately you cannot change his behaviour.

      Please consider calling the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk to a female support worker in confidence; they won’t tell you what to do but can talk through your options and signpost you to other relevant organisations. For example, there are organisations that provide temporary foster placements for pets, which may be helpful for you in future.

      Kind Regards and keep posting,

      Lisa

    • #62829
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi and welcome to the Forum,

      Keep posting. He’s isolating you from your family and friends. That’s the purpose of his criticism of you when you are in contact with them. He wants to alienate you from your support. This is typical abuser behaviour. Google the Power and Control wheel and the Cycle of Abuse and you’ll recognise similar dynamics in your relationship.

      Keep reading the posts on here also. Knowledge is Power.

    • #63171
      Blackfish
      Participant

      Thank you all for your help. It took another few blows but I’ve left the situation. I don’t have my beloved dog 🙁 but I’m doing ok and feeling mostly positive with bouts of sadness.
      Thank you for the support and guidance.

    • #63174
      KIP.
      Participant

      Well done for recognising and leaving an abusive relationship. Things will get better it just takes time and zero contact. Be patient and kind to yourself meantime x

    • #63187
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi Blackfish,

      Well done to you ending the cycle of abuse. We are the only ones who can stop the cycle. The abusers rarely do it as they like seeing us hurt, upset, guilty and lonely.

      Be careful though that he doesn’t try to hoover you back into a relationship or contact with him. Block him on phone, social media and be aware he may try and indirectly contact you via a third party. I’m afraid you’ll have to stop contact with his family also.

      Keep posting on here for support to get though your sad feelings and any grief. One of the hardest things (actually probably the hardest) was getting out of my abusive marriage. You have done an amazingly difficult thing but you see with time you will see how you will thrive.

      I’m sorry for you having to leave your dog but you definitely did the right thing.

      Keep posting as its unlikely he’ll respect your wishes to get out of the relationship with him. But once he sees your determination to not engage with him he will be forced to move unto another person he can hurt so he can feel powerful.

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