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When you say he’s with someone else, he’s fine….he’s not you know. If he was he wouldn’t need to rub it in your face. If he thinks being with her doesn’t bother you that’d wind him up no end. He wants you to feel like your easy to move on from because that will keep you down on the ground. Friend’s I know who’ve been in your position say they move on do it to another woman repeat. He’ll be doing it to her before long and it won’t be her fault either. Has he got any ex gfs he tried to convince you were crazy?
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He didn’t make out she was crazy, but I always felt like he loved her.. I always felt like she held a higher place in his heart than I did. I know when I’m out of this I will feel a lot better and free. Right now it’s torture. My mental state isn’t great as I only left (detail removed by moderator) ago and this new girl came along (detail removed by moderator) after.
It’s not shameful to not know you were abused.. abuse is a terrible thing and it’s trickery. They get inside your mind and unless someone points it out how would you know? Mine was emotional sexual and physical. So mine was obvious but still I wanted to stay because I loved him. But my friends where saying I looked broken I looked dead behind the eyes, and my daughter started to not want to come home at certain points which was heart breaking. I’m sure we will all get through this and look back feel so happy!
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Mine was emotional and sexual, psychological. I didn’t think it was abuse because he never hit me. It’s madness! That’s horrific that he’d do that to you. He’s definitely trying to mess with you and sadly he’d probably already had her lined up before you were finished up by the sounds of it. If they’re moved in already then that should be a red flag to her!
All my friends and family knew he was abusive. I’m learning to talk about the extent just now and my closest friends are shocked I’ve never said anything before now but they definitely aren’t even surprised how bad it was. Abuse thrives on secrecy that’s why we need to get our strength back and not keep it in. -
Being on my own is wonderful but I remember in the early days how I thought I’d never recover from this, I didn’t want anything to do with men and I dreaded being on my own. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days. Social expectations of having a partner or husband I think cause huge problems. I’ve been on a few days and have a male friend but they fit into my life. I’m happy and confident again and I can tell you although I’m alone I’ve never felt as lonely as I did with that man. The nights I would cry myself to sleep and not want to wake up in the morning. That kind of lonely was sound destroying. You won’t always feel this way. You’ve been through a terrible trauma of the mind and that’s going to take a while to recover. It’s really a matter of rewiring your brain and thought process. You absolutely don’t need a man in your life to feel happy and fulfilled and I was with mine for decades x do something nice for yourself today x
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I remember that awful panic. All sorts of triggers will be going off. My ex would come to my street. It’s like they want to be seen by us. Start a journal of when and where you see him. Of all the shops he can go to he’s trying to get back into your head. If it was me I’d say well away from anywhere he’s likely to be but these men have no shame. You will need to take some time to recover from the shock. Make sure you’re safe and curl up somewhere with pillows and cushions to hug. It sounds like he’s obviously not moved on if he still hanging about where you live. There’s a stalking app you can download just to keep a list of times and places you see him.
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Hi KIP, do you know the name of the stalking app? Not that we can go anywhere now but I would like to have it when (if!) things get back to normal as 3 times in the weeks leading up to lockdown I saw my partner in weird places he would never usually be but were on my daily route, as if he was checking up on me. Would be useful to have just to keep track. Thank you.
Hugs to all x x
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The Scottish Women’s Rights Centre (SWRC) today launched FollowIt App, a mobile app designed to help women in Scotland record stalking incidents and assist them if they want to report this crime to the police.
The app was developed by SWRC in partnership with media co-op as a response to the challenges many women face in trying to demonstrate the pattern of behaviour they experience.Not sure what country you’re in but if you google I’m sure you will find one that suits.
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He lives right by me really.. he could have not drove past my house to get there but maybe he didn’t think.. she went in and I could see him hiding on the back seat of the car.. he was sat up but god knows why he wasn’t sat in the front maybe it’s to not been seen. I don’t know but it was 100% them. There is another shop they could have went to. Iv called domestic abuse helpline as I needed to talk it out to someone I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was going to pass out with a panic attack.
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The first time you see them its a big hit, but there will be no first time again now, so this you have already taken, it’s under your belt, now you just need to let it in, bit at a time and get used to the idea, eventually we adjust knowing he is with someone else and this feels ok. I have no feeling around her or him or them now and if they do come to mind I remind myself that she is now living in the hell I once used to. I know what he is like, he doesn’t just miraculously change when he’s with someone else, he’s still the cold, callous, manipulator with not an ounce of generosity in his heart, the man who sees all women as inferior, there to service his needs. I hope she does enjoy the honeymoon period H, because what comes next is misery, or even better, I hope she picks up and responds to the red flags and gets away now while she still can.
Lonely I can do, I’ve turned lonely into solitude, contentment, which I think meditation helped me to get going with in the beginining, it helped me to gain control over my thoughts, see that they are just thoughts, have thousands of these a day and they come and go, they often mean nothing, I feel I have more control these days over my thoughts, can choose what to think, if I get low I have more abilty to do something that helps, rather than sit in it. Takes a bit of time, committment and practice that’s all, and it also comes after attending to the heartbreak first. Wanting to change how you feel and wanting to help the self kicks in eventually.
Sounds to me that you’re feeling lonely and heartbroken, which is hard to bare for a time for sure, for me it was about riding this out, getting through and out the otherside, so hang in there. No contact was a huge help here. You will feel much better when you feel emotionally and mentally free of him – so anything you can do to get to this place do it. I found writing a journal, lists, letters never to send all helpful in the early days, helped me to process my thoughts and feelings, feel the losses, identify reality and what were delusions, get to a place where I understood what happened, why and the part I played, to what I will do now taking these new found understandings forwards – always – the lessons I learned.
This man is dreadful, always remember that. You will grow and even thrive eventually, you have now given yourself a shot at success again. I’m single and happy and feel surrounded by love now, I’m never lonely even though I’m alone a lot of the time – there are true, genuine, joyful folk out there who love having you in their lives – who are nothing but kind, loving and respectful all the time, when we choose who we let in wisely this is what happens – make a promise to yourself today that you will always choose wisely from here on in and it will be ok, better than ok – life will be wonderful and better than anything that went before x
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Had another thought, the antidote to feeling worthless is self care.
It’s amazing how one act can leave you feeling just that little bit better, 3 acts and I can feel in better physical shape, my battery is now topping up and emotinally I start to feel yes I’m ok, I can do this! After a month of this there really is no going back, you now know, feel, believe ‘I am worth it! This is what I need – this is important’.
Always starts off with just one act, try it, try to aim to give yourself 3 a day – or more if want to, it’s the ‘every day’ part that you’ll need to focus on ticking to begin with.
When we feel empty inside, feeling we have nothing left to give, it is because we forgot to care for the self in all this, we didn’t attend to our needs x
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Thank you for your kind words, I will aim to to do that each day if I can, right now I am in the from bed to sofa stage and not doing my hair or make up etc. I keep reminding myself this feeling isn’t forever it’s just right now. It just hurts so bad and they seem to be every thought in your head. I find myself thinking surely he has moments he’s sad or he thinks about the life we had? But looking at research online they say they don’t. Which is upsetting.
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