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About a (removed by moderator) ago I felt strong enough to suggest separation.
In my mind he agreed and it was sad but we knew it was the right thing to do.
In reality he disagreed and told me we need to try harder told me he would kill himself if I left, cried and cried and stayed up all night and vowed to do anything it takes to fix us and telling me he isn’t a bad person and he only ever loved me and cared for me. He literally can’t do enough for me right now.
Now I feel like have I been making it all up? Has he been this good all along?
I also feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. One minute I am ready to leave the next I am being convinced to get stuck in and fix it. I’m not in the right frame of mind for either now.
And he is also hyper aware of everything I am doing now so me having that conversation has backfired because now he seems to be watching me more closely.
Why did I say anything? Why did I let myself imagine it would be easy?
I feel so down and lost and it’s making me really depressed. I keep crying.
I feel guilty because I know I have hurt him but also so confused about what to do next and also still angry and resentful because now he gets to be the good guy who is trying to fix us and I am the bad one who isn’t ‘all in’ trying to fix it.
I don’t know where to go from here đ xxxx -
He’s using the Monopolised Perception.
You resisted him and decided you needed to leave him so he has changed his tactics. He’s persuading you now that he needs you, you can help him become a better man, you’re the only woman he has loved and who understands him and he now needs you to help ‘fix’ him. He is pathetic and lost without you and he now sees you as the strong one. However, to help him, you may need to change too, you will need to look at your faults too, the list of which may grow!
He’s now making you feel bad. You are now feeling awful that your wishes to leave him are making him feel like this. He is guilt tripping you. He is showing you a vulnerable side and working on your nurturing nature to make you reconsider your thoughts. Was he really that bad? Could I help him become a better man? Is it really my fault he’s like he is? He’s making you doubt your instincts, he is confusing them, and now your judgement about why you wanted to leave him in the first place is clouded.
He’s actually on to you now. He knows you want out of this relationship and he is panicking he could lose control. He’s playing to your emotions. He’s turned it round, he’s turned it back to him. It’s no longer about what he’s done to you to make you want to leave, it’s about what you’re doing to him to make him feel this down and upset.
Don’t fall for it. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re not going mad.
It’s called Monopolised Perception.
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Thank you @Kitkat44 hope you’re ok. Hugs to you xx
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Dragon, you stick to your plans to leave him if that’s what you really want. If you think he may change this time and you want to give it another go, that is your choice too. Statistics say that it takes 7 times to leave an abuser before you finally leave for good. I left slightly before 7, but still gave him too many chances.
Really though, the only way to change your partner is to change your partner!
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