Feeling lost

[Harriet123]

It’s been over a year since I broke up with my ex. It’s been a tough ride since, constant breaking me down still, saying I’ve ruined our daughters life, making out I’m not good enough etc. going to take things legal as I finally am getting the courage to.

He stole money from me, took loans out in my name, gambled all of our money, would make up emails and claim people would come and take our stuff if I didn’t pay for something now (but it was actually going in his secret accounts), he hit me on two occasions quite badly and other times outside of that, he would get angry at me, not talk to me, call me names if I didn’t have sex with him so that I’d end up having to do it else he would just be nasty until I did. He also on two occasions of him hitting me asked for sex afterwards. He had (and assume he still does to an extent) an alcohol problem and gambling problem. Not to mention the constant daily abuse calling me names, controlling what I wear, not speaking to me if I saw my friends, telling me all I was to our daughter was milk and the list goes on.

That is abuse right? I’m not just being over sensitive and an attention seeker like he would claim.
But why do I still have doubts in head that people will even care about that.

I am SO scared, more than anything in my life of my daughter being around him and the long term affects he will cause her. Let alone having zero trust in him being able to stay away from the drink and gambling.

He takes over my mind still, he makes me question everything. Whether I am good enough for my daughter, even though In reality I know I am more than enough.

I still have to see him at pickups/drop offs and I have such bad anxiety every time I have to see him because he is so unpredictable.

When does it end? When does he get bored of being nasty to me and making me feel uncomfortable.

[longjourneylife]

So sad to hear this. Surely he should have supervised visits. The unpredictability and his behaviour ( and that he’s hit you) is enough of a reason he should not be alone with your girl and you should not have to face him.
As awful as it feels now, remember, it’s a step ahead of where you were. X*x

[Eggshells]

Hi Hariet123

Yes, it is abuse and it is extremely harmful to you and your daughter.

I’ve seen KIP recommend solutions so that women don’t have to see their abusers or have any contact with them.

She has mentioned contact centres before which I believe are particularly helpful if you are worried about your daughter’s physical or mental safety.

Another recommendation is to use a 3rd party for contact and to do pick ups and drop offs. This is often a good friend or close family member.

As long as you have any form of contact with him, he will continue to abuse you.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Harriet, yes your partner is abusing you, physically, mentally, financially are some of the abuse you have listed. You are not over sensitive and neither is your partners drink, gambling or any other excuse a reason to behave so badly towards you.

Sadly it takes so much out of us to get away and once we do it takes time to actually take in all the years of abuse (once you see the abuse you can’t unsee it.

You asked when it gets easier and when will he get bored. For me (and a lot of women) he didn’t stop until I went zero contact. Our children are teenagers, they made the decision to not see their father, I haven’t seen him for some time now and that is when I feel stronger, not seeing him. When I first separated from my husband he kept coming g home (made up all sorts of reasons), he told me he was suicidal and I felt so guilty and worried about him. Then I learnt it was a tactic abusers use and the last time he said he was suicidal I phoned the police to do a welfare check on him. Suddenly he felt better. The anxiety I felt during the short time he was in our lives after separation was awful. I woke up and realised i cannot co parent with him as he was/is toxic and affected both me and our children.

You have separated which is amazing, the inner strength came to me once I started to put boundaries in place (something I didn’t do when we were together and he would get in my head).

Could you arrange pick up/drop off at a family member or friends home? Start planning zero contact (it is pointless discussing with an abuser as everything is used to their advantage). It is scary as he will not agree but you do not need his permission unless you have some sort of separation or childcare agreement in place?

You sound terrified of him being around your daughter, I do not know how old your daughter is, mine is a teenager who is waiting for trauma counselling from CAMH’S as is our son…. I tried to sheild them from the abuse when they were growing up and now they are older they talk openly about their dad’s behaviour. I feel awful that it has affected them but abuse does affect children, they pick up from a young age.

I have been out of my relationship a similar amount of time to yourself and I only started to feel better since zero contact. My husband also said I had torn our family apart, how coould I do that as he loves us all so much and he started counselling blah blah… he didn’t change… we were married for over 2 decades… they do not change they get worse.

It gets better once they are out of your life as much as you can possibly get them out of your life.

❤️

[Lisa]

Hi Harreit123,

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It’s good you feel able to come here and express what you are going through as there are others here who clearly understand and have offered some supportive advice.

You are experiencing abuse and there are services that can help you address your concerns about child contact.

Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Their Family law advice line can advise around domestic abuse; divorce, finances, cohabitation and property in relationship breakdown; parental responsibility and child arrangements; lesbian parenting. They are available on 0207 251 6577 (Tues-Thurs 7-9pm and Fri 12-2pm). They also have a line for women in London on 020 76-8 1137 (Mon 10am-12pm and 2-4pm, Tues-Weds 2-4pm, Thurs 10am-12pm and 2-4pm).

The National Association of Contact Centres offers advice on child contact centres. They are available on 0115 948 4557 or contact@naccc.org.uk (Mon-Fri 9am-1pm). Their website has a search function to find local centres: http://www.naccc.org.uk

The Coram Children’s Legal Centre provide free legal resources with advice and information on all aspects of family, child and education law, including relationship breakdown; parental disputes, duties of children’s services; child protection. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480 (8am-6pm, Mon-Fri).

You have also expressed experiencing financial abuse. The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Thurs 9am- 5pm).

Money Helper provides free and impartial advice around money. They can be contacted on 0800 138 7777 (Mon-Fri 8am-6pm) or live chat (Mon-Fri 8am-6pm, Sat 8am-4) via their website.

StepChange are a debt charity, that provide free, confidential and expert debt advice and money guidance, recommend the best solution or service for your circumstances, support you while you deal with your money worries for as long as you need their help, and campaign on your behalf to reduce the risk of debt problems and the harm it causes. They are contactable on 0800 138 1111 (Mon-Fri 8am-8pm, Sat 8am-4pm) or live chat via the website.

I hope this is helpful. Please keep in touch here to let us know how you are getting on.

Take care,

Lisa

[Author]

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