26th April 2016 at 9:03 pm #15439
Hi everyone, I’m not really sure whether I’m doing the right thing being here but here goes…I’ve been with my partner over a decade and i would say things have always been the same really. He has an awful temper and he cant control it at all – he’ll tell me he knows its bad/wrong but he doesnt know how to stop it.
Anyway, I suppose I’ve always thought what he does is normal as i dont know any different really, but recently I’ve started to feel that I’ve had enough and that I don’t deserve this… and then of course I feel guilty for thinking that way!
I would say the damage he’s done to me is more mental than physical but there has been both really.
I guess what’s brought me here is yesterday… a bad day…and I’m fed up of these days…i just want to be happy, and not be constantly watching what im saying, doing, spending, where I’m going (or not going!) etc.
I wonder if I’m overreacting…
26th April 2016 at 10:03 pm #15450Moonflower1Participant
Hi Miss Nobody.
I don’t think you are overreacting. I too live with an angry man who says he cannot control his temper – he calls it ‘frustration’ and says he’s always been that way. But I don’t agree that they can’t control their anger. I bet yours doesn’t shout at his work colleagues or friends. Mine only shouts at people who cant/wont shout back me, our children, occasionally his mum and sisters. They use their anger to control us. We all tip toe round them not daring to upset them and set them off.
I can’t offer much in the way of advice – I’m sure someone much wiser than me will be along shortly – but just wanted to say hello and say you are not alone.
Have you spoken to anyone about what you are experiencing? I have recently been speaking to a counsellor and it has helped me a lot. Having someone say that what I am experiencing is wrong and listening to what I have to say feels very liberating.
Take Care xx
26th April 2016 at 11:40 pm #15468AyannaParticipant
Please ring the helpline and tell them what you are going through. They will advise you which services to contact. There is also Rights of Women for any legal issues and the Women and Girls Network who are ever so supportive.
You do not need to put up with an abuser. I am sure you do not overreact. You have tolerated his sick behavior for so long and you forgot what it means to live peacefully and without fear.
You have every right to live without any form of abuse. You did the right thing to come on here.
Slowly gather information, read the posts, keep posting here.
You will learn again how a healthy life should look like.
There is also the Freedom Programme, which you might be interested in at a later stage.
Has your partner ever tried therapy for his behaviour?
Most of all stay safe. If he threatens you or becomes violent call 999 immediately. x*x
27th April 2016 at 8:15 am #15481
Thank you both so much for replying, it means so much – I know that might sound stupid but its a very lonely world at times and just to have a place to talk is a big deal to me.
You’re right Moonflower1, its only ever me and my daughter who really sees his true colours although i know his mum has an idea as she often asks me if I’m ok.
Ayanna – I’ve tried to get him to seek help, even just talk to someone but i truly believe he doesn’t see it as a problem like I do. I think that I’m partly to blame for this as I’ve allowed him to be this way towards me for so long that he obviously knows he can get away with it – he says its me that makes him this way.
I just know now that I’ve had enough, and that its not right x*x
27th April 2016 at 9:31 am #15495LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum! I am so pleased to see that you have had some supportive replies. Please do try the helpline number as soon as you get a safe time to ring. It sounds like you really are at a crossroads in your relationship where you have realised that a lifetime with him is not going to be happy and the helpline can help you think about your options. It is interesting that in your post you do not say that he wants to change and has spent time attending anger management counselling and perpetrator programs, perhaps that suggests that he thinks that his behaviour towards you is acceptable. He is very much choosing to be abusive and choosing to behave in this way, it is not your fault at all.
Please phone the helpline and let us know how you get on.
27th April 2016 at 9:44 am #15498
Thank you Lisa, he has said in the past that he’ll change/get help but its all false promises. He definitely doesn’t believe what he does is as bad as i try to tell him, I’m probably partly to blame for this as I’ve let it go on for so long without holding him accountable x
27th April 2016 at 10:00 am #15501Moonflower1Participant
Hi Missnobody, I hope you are feeling a little better today. I agree being in an abusive relationship is a very lonely place. Until recently I never told anyone about what happens to me so was all inside my head driving me crazy. I only recently joined the forum too and it has been a revelation that the things that happen to me are happening to others also. You feel so isolated and ashamed you feel that it is only you who feels like this.
I am feeling stronger though and I am determined that I am going to find a way out of the relationship. Even not for myself than I owe this to my daughter. She is now at an age now that she understands what is going on and I’m afraid it is going to have a long term effect on her. I have explained my concerns to my husband but although he agrees it not right he doesn’t stop the shouting, arguments his terrible behaviour. I know his behaviour frightens her and she gets very upset. But he blames me for making him shout. I have choices apparently and if I made different choices he wouldn’t need to shout!!! It’s pathetic really, I really think he has a mental illness but to outsiders he is the perfect husband and devoted father.
But enough is enough and I am going to ring WA today to see what my options are. I have set myself a goal of the end of the year to sort this mess out. Hopefully by then me and little one will be living in our own lovely little house in peace and calm. That’s my dream.
Hopefully you to can find the strength to call WA too. I’ll post later to let you know what they say to me.
27th April 2016 at 11:11 am #15504WanderingCloudParticipant
Your story is so familiar, the monitoring of money, shouting, threatening demeanour, they are all ways to take control of us, to keep us in our place. You are right in that it is a lonely place to be, the abuse becomes the normality though deep down we know it isn’t right but we think that over time, things will get better. Having spent (detail removed by moderator) decades in my marriage, I can honestly say that it never gets better and never will. I am now in a position where although there is large element of control, he doesn’t get as angry but this isn’t because he is changing, it is actually because he doesn’t need to, he has exerted so much control over me, I am fully trained to comply. Sad as it is, that is the truth. When you read various threads on the forum, you will identify with a lot of what is being said. The sex issue is very common amongst us. When we don’t give them sex, they become angry, they become angry because we haven’t given them sex and therefore one of our coping mechanisms is to be so tuned in to their needs, we give in to their sexual demands as we cannot face the nasty temper that will follow if we don’t. That is how well trained we all are .
You will begin to notice far more things now about him and how he operates and you may go through a range of emotions from sadness, guilt, anger, resentment. You need to begin looking after your own mental health now and that of your daughter.
I understand why you question whether you are over reacting or to blame in any way, this is a natural reaction to try understand/justify why they are as they are but please don’t think you are to blame in any way or in any way accountable for his actions, you are not, only he is. xx
27th April 2016 at 8:31 pm #15558
Hope all went well Moonflower, I’m not sure im quite ready to ring the helpline just yet… I guess I’m still a bit unsure as to whether I’m doing the right thing. I can really relate to what you were saying about your daughter, I have 2 and that is the obe thing that is spurring me on to get out as I dont want them in this environment.
Wandering Cloud – thank you so much for responding, it really does help to hear I’m not the only one in this kind of situation.
I have to say how right you are about noticing things – I dont know whether I’m just being picky because I’m upset with him but I have noticed some smaller, less obvious things today that I would have normally otherwise ignored, and they have really got to me.
For example, I was talking to my oldest daughter in the kitchen (about bra colours of all things – she’s recently started wearing them) and he came downstairs from the toilet and said “what are you whispering about?” So obviously I said “we weren’t whispering, we wrre just talking” and his reply was “I heard you when I was upstairs and as I came down you lowered your voice so I didn’t hear you”….I was just a bit stunned really and didnt really know how to react to that so i just repeated that we weren’t whispering, so he stomped off into the living room muttering “you’re always whispering”….!!!!
I mean, its a small incident really but I really noticed it today, and it really kinda showed me the kind of person he is – he is in quite a good mood today but still needs to make sure he makes me feel like s**t at some point during the day! Phew rant over haha
28th April 2016 at 11:02 am #15623SiddensParticipant
I’m also new and just found this site a few days ago. Its been a lifeline and I’m so grateful for the support. Its very difficult to accept what is happening and its easy to feel alone but after reading others stories I’ve found so many to be a mirror image of my own.
I totally understand how you feel. The temper then the false promises. I believe my partner doesn’t believe he has a problem and only promises to never do it again to “make up” then the cycle starts again. My biggest regret was accepting the first outburst. I set a president. I allowed it. Its easy to make allowances for someone you love though. I kept on taking the hard times and trying to justify his behaviour as he had money worries, ill parent etc. When really there is no excuse for that behaviour.
I hope you get help and strength from here
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