23rd February 2020 at 4:26 am #98274
I’m feeling sad at the moment but trying not to panic also. I really want to move in the nott to distant future as I’m paying way too much in rent and bills and where I am now. I asked a close family member if they would consider being a guarantor, as last time I looked at moving I would have needed one and I would have thought it’s still the case. I said I worked never ask then for any money and have always paid my rent. I tentatively asked again if they’d had time to think about it and they said they’d forgotten al forgotten all about it, which I’m pretty sure means no. I’m also fairly sure it’s the partner of this person who will not want to do this for ne. I know it’s a lot to ask someone, but this is a close family member and it’s just so disappointing. I feel like I did when I left my ex many years ago, that no one really wants to/can help me. It just makes me feel stuck and helpless like I did when I first left. I know I feel actually nowhere near as bad ad that, but it just brings it all back how I couldn’t leave with any security even though we jointly owned a house. He wouldn’t stay on the mortgage and I wasnt working (he made it to difficult) so the was no way I could take it on and I was, as we often are when we first leave, in the fog, confusion and shock of realising I’d been in an abusive relationship for many, many years and also wanting to put the immediate welfare of the children first, which In proud to say I did and am still doing. It’s really the one thing that I haven’t been able to resolve in a way that I cam get any closure from as I’m still suffering financially and it’s never going to get any easier, in fact probably only worse. The one thing where I feel his punishment still touches me. It still has the power to make me feel angry and exhausted.
I was explaining, in a kind of potted version, mgt situation to someone who claimed to understand abuse the other day, but they just looked st me like I was stupid. I’m not doing that again in a hurry.
This is supposed to be a celebration weekend for me but I just feel deflated again.
I probably shouldn’t have asked this person, it’s not their fault or responsibility at all, and I will genuinely have no bad feelings towards them if they are saying no (though it will probably confirm my instinct that their partner is likely lacking no empathy for my situation).
This had turned into a long outpouring so thank you for listening. I’m going to try to get beck to sleep now and hope venting has helped!
23rd February 2020 at 3:41 pm #98307LisaMain Moderator
Sorry to hear you’re going through all this. Have you been in touch with your local domestic abuse service? They may have some support available- maybe be able to give you some advocacy with potential landlords or give you some help in trying to find somewhere to move into.
There’s also a charity called Turn2Us who may be able to help- they’re a support service who help women access any financial help they may be entitled to.
Hope you’re feeling a bit better now and managed to get some sleep,
23rd February 2020 at 5:20 pm #98317
I did speak to my local women’s aid not long after I split up with my ex, many years ago and the didn’t seem to be much help they could offer me. I’m thinking that so much later on there’ll be even less because I know how stretched they and there are definitely women who have more urgent needs. I will think about contacting them though. I’ve used turn2us to find out what benefits I was entitled and it was very useful but I don’t think there was anything other than the standard benefits that I could claim. Again I will take a look. Thank you for replying Lisa.
23rd February 2020 at 6:15 pm #98322SunshineRainflowerParticipant
I just wanted to say I can relate to how you’re feeling about finances, and how difficult it is to stand on our own two feet, with wages being low and rents being high. It’s the main area of my life that makes me feel low, ashamed and powerless too. I would love a well paid part time job that I could live on without worrying, and that would give me enough free time to look after my health.
Is there any way you could increase your salary in your job, get a new job or retrain in a new area? I think it’s absolutely possible for us to be independent, it’s just a big challenge especially when you’ve experienced abuse and are still processing it and possibly have mental health problems as a result.
When I was looking for somewhere to live, it was a nightmare and so stressful, but I just kept contacting different agencies about different properties and eventually found somewhere. We just have to keep going after what we want and believe it’s possible.
If you spoke to different rental agencies, and private landlords, you might find one that would take you on without the guarantor for example. You could use references to show you’re a good tenant. I know how hard it is and it’s so frustrating when everyone tells you ‘no’ but keep going. In situations like this I always think of JK Rowling who was unemployed on benefits writing Harry Potter, and all of the publishers turned her away apart from one. Imagine if she’d given up and hadn’t found that publisher. We just have to keep going.
23rd February 2020 at 7:03 pm #98324
Thank you so much for that. I was thinking about it today and it’s possible if I work full time, which I am really going to have to do, I might not need one. I think when it comes to thinking about moving and finances, things have been so difficult I just always think the worst and get quite despondent and go into a bit of panic mode.
I am determined to do it somehow, so I will just have to keep plugging away.
I’m sorry you’re having difficulty with this too. I’ve read what you’ve been writung about relationships and I remember reading your posts in time past and I can see that you are further along on your healing journey and it sounds like you are focusing on keeping yourself safe, and as you say, living independently, which is a great thing isn’t it?
Thanks for your help today. I appreciate it.
25th February 2020 at 9:49 am #98397White RoseParticipant
Hi Eve long time no write!
Hope you’re feeling a bit better. I’m sure lots of us are feeling down at the moment due to weather, weather, weather more weather, floods, dark days as well as the issues from our past.
No one says you have to get over it one you’ve left, the hangover effects last so long.
My ex was out of the country for several months last year, we live in the same town and although I was’t aware that the possibility of seeing him was hanging over me while he was gone I felt so free, but when I heard he was back I crashed BIG time, panic attackes, became a recluse and that’s years later and I’m still not back to my usual self.
Have you approached your bank for a letter of support for rent? If you’ve got a few years with them and your bills get paid and you show you can manage your money (even if it’s tight!) they might be able to help? Or employer?
I hope things work out for you soon. Love to you and your daughter xxxx
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