Feeling low

[Japan]

I really don’t know what to do anymore, I feel emotional all the time I’m starting to think I have something wrong with me I just feel like crying but even if he sees me cry he doesn’t care. I’m posting on here because I just feel so lost, my boyfriend never initiates contact with me such as a kiss, hug or holding hands it’s always me touching him and I sometimes wonder if I didn’t touch him would we even touch, I know I must be a clingy and annoying girlfriend but I just like to feel close to him and to know he loves me but he never says he loves me and I tell him all the time and he just says good and I have to say do you love me and he says yes stop going on. I always have to ask for a kiss and he says later and when I say please he gets annoyed with me, but later never seems to come with him. Or he will say I don’t like you being near my face. He always wants me to massage him which is fine but I start to feel like that’s the only reason he wants to see me is because I do something to make him feel good, I feel like he can’t ever just lie with me I always have to do something to please him. He never compliments me anymore and he always says names in a jokey way like come here you big round thing but after a while of hearing these names it starts to have a negative effect and I said (detail removed by moderator) babe why do you always say mean names to me and he said because you don’t deserve nice names and I said that’s not very nice and he said well you did ask. Every time I go round I feel like he just wants to get rid of me, he’s always like are you going home now as if I’m too much trouble and he’s always saying I’m annoying him. I’m always the one to ask to see him and I just feel like I have to watch what I say all the time I feel scared of him, he cooks dinner for me which I really appreciate but when I try to help he just sighs and says I’m getting in the way, he makes me feel useless, even when we watch tv together and I choose something he will be like I don’t like this change it and I feel like he doesn’t even pay me attention he just sits on his phone. When we talk about future plans he always talks about himself and doesn’t even consider me or what I want, he is like this with me because of the past because before he was physically abusive so I left and saw someone else but I ended up getting back with my boyfriend and once before I couldn’t take it anymore so I went out with friends when he said I wasn’t allowed because there was boys there so I ended it with him and one of my male friends walked me home and he found us and threatened us both and we broke up another time when I went to work away so he holds the past against me and basically makes me feel worthless. I just love him so much and I can’t walk away because I hope each day will be better than the last so I feel trapped because I feel so down and low in myself, is there any help or advice that can be given when your living in this kind of situation ? Sometimes I don’t know why I go round once I’m there but when I’m apart from him I just want to be back with him and I don’t understand why I feel like this ?
Please help, thank you in advance Xx

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. It would be good for you to talk to the national domestic abuse helpline and if you google trauma bonding you will see that perhaps it’s not love anymore but a trauma bond and an addiction to the way this man once made you feel. Psychological abuse is a terrible messing with your mind. He is controlling and the fact that you’re scared of him speaks volumes. You should never ever be scared of your partner. They’re supposed to cherish and protect you. These men wear a mask in the beginning, pretending to be Mr Nice just to hook you in. Google the cycle of abuse and see if that helps. And read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You are looking for validation and love from a man who is incapable of giving you that. Ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship. On average a victim of domestic abuse returns seven times to their abuser before finally leaving for good. It’s time to take a step back from this violent dysfunctional individual. Abuse will always get worse and you deserve better. Ending a relationship like this is a dangerous thing to do so when you decide it’s finally over then make sure you are safely away from him.

[KIP.]

Your low mood could also be depression. Victims can feel extremely depressed and anxious as they feel a huge sense of helplessness. Learned helplessness from our abusers. Speak to your GP about what’s going on. They should be able to signpost you to help x you really need to look after yourself because he has shown you he won’t x

[Lottieblue]

Hi Japan are you living together or apart at the moment?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Japan, there’s nothing wrong with you apathy from your body recognising the abuse before your head and heart has. Crying is nature’s way of healing and also recognising something is wrong with us even when we ourselves don’t know what it is. Constantly living with negativity had a serious detrimental effect and impact on us. Can you speak with your gp, let them really know what’s going on. Be honest, they can treat ther symptoms but without knowing the root cos what they may advise or prescribe won’t work. Keep posting sweetheart, IWMB 💞💞

[Japan]

Thank you all for your help and advice it really means a lot to me and makes me feel better about the current situation. We aren’t living together but I go round everyday and sleep round, I’m really worried that he is talking to someone else as he is very secretive with his phone and I’m too scared to even ask because he will turn it round on me and it cause an argument but in my head I’m going mad about it but I have to keep acting like I’m ok. It makes me upset because he didn’t use to be like this I know this might sound strange but I think when he used to hit me he actually loved me more and now he says he doesn’t care enough to hurt me. He always says that I’m unstable and I’m the one who keeps changing and it’s my fault he is how he is but it’s only because I can only put up with him being like this for so long and then I get stronger and think I can’t do this anymore so I don’t see him as much and I try to do more things for myself so he says I have changed but it’s only cause I’m standing up for myself and then he is nicer but then somehow he lures me back in and I’m weak again and I want to see him constantly so I guess I am changing and maybe it is my fault but he just says you will change again soon and your interests will change and then you won’t wanna see me for a few weeks and I will think what’s the point in being with you when I could have someone else and then he says well I don’t care anyway. Thank you again everyone 💞

[Anonymous]

Hi Japan – you are going through a very natural process here. It’s part of our “awakening” and it is a step at a time. We have to come out of our fog and separate ourselves from the other person since codependency and trauma bonding have actually made us think/feel as if we are an appendage to them. But all self-centered, self-serving personalities like this – create this in their victims/prey. You lose your personhood and if for whatever reason in your growing up years, you were not able to grow a good strong self identity then all the better for them. They will gladly create one for you that suits and serves their purposes, after all what they really want is your good energy in whatever form they can drain it out of you. When they are done, they will gladly leave you in a heap on the floor and go on to their next victim. Take strong note of what he said, “well I don’t care anyway if you have someone else”. He doesn’t care, he’s not able to care, isn’t who he is and isn’t how his mind works. You have attached your self worth to how he sees you, needs you, etc. So of course when he’s done with you now and has moved on, you are shattered, your reason for being – was him.

I think the hardest thing to is see the illusion and forgive ourselves. They are good at what they do, experts in their field. But when we are able to back away and see what “reality” is and be willing to compare that against what we wanted to see, needed to see, i.e. the illusion then and only then do we have a real shot at getting away and staying away. We have to create our own “wholeness” instead of looking for someone else to fill in all the gaps. If we don’t, then we are horrific prey for people like this. They see us a mile off and zoom in to be oh so lovely to us for a brief period of time, sucking the very life out of us doing it. I’m sure you have noticed how the price tag and interest rate attached to anything good from him has become over time.

We have these little or large earthquakes in our life sometimes because our true authentic self, which is very much in there……..is shaking us, trying to wake us up, alerting us to danger. I would caution you not to reach out to him anymore and to stay away so that you can become more clear headed, educated by doing alot of reading, and replacing thoughts that are all about him and serving him – with ones that are all about you and serving you. We can become addicted to pain, to accepting the tiniest morsel of nice treatment as if we are a dog locked up in a cage and are way past the point of knowing what life is without being treated this way.

You’re at that crossroads now where you are realizing things, you are waking up, you are listening to that little small voice and you are reaching out. You don’t have to understand everything this minute, it will come as you can receive it by educating yourself and seeking counsel. Those tiny little morsels that are really poison will start to make you so ill that you won’t want them anymore and won’t crave them. Sunshine is bursting into your world my sweet! Embrace it, follow it, you can walk free of all this but you have to stay away from him so your mind/body/spirit can heal and become healthy. There is a Book List on here that might really help you!

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