13th September 2020 at 10:30 am #113592
I’m having a bad day. Been out for a little while and I have good days and bad but I feel like I’m obsessing about my ex for the last few days. Not that I want to get back with him but that he’s off having a great time and moved on and I’m here feeling rubbish.
Also that his family and friends blame me and have excused his behaviour and he’s basically got away with it all as he wasn’t charged in the end so it seems to all he’s vindicated (although the police don’t think that and said to me to use this opportunity to finish it for good as he’s not a nice man and I don’t deserve what I’ve been subjected to). He’s also got people feeling sorry for him because of his mental health issues. I know he’s an accomplished liar and feeding them a line but it’s galling. And I hate people thinking badly of me when I didn’t do anything wrong.
Thank god we’ve got this forum to vent as I also don’t want to keep on at my family about this stuff. I feel like I’m constantly bombarding them with my problems as I’m also dealing with the legalities of leaving which he’s making difficult. I just need a day off my from the constant thoughts in my head about all this! When will they stop? Xx
13th September 2020 at 11:54 am #113605fizzylemParticipant
I could have written your post; if I spend time thinking about everything he’s got away with then I think I would implode. But then my rational brain kicks in and tells me there is no happy ever after for him, he is who he is and will never change, and this only means lies and chaos, ill informed decisions, destruction for anyone he comes into contact with, criticism and judgements on self and others, there is no real intimacy in any of his relationships, so how then can this ever be fulfilling? It can’t.
Remember, you have lived it, you know exactly what this is like and all this brings. The best form of revenge is to have a good life, to put him out completely, to lead your best life, but this does take time and sweat to get. I find I only really think about him when life feels too hard, when I feel I’m not taking time to enjoy the present and smell the flowers, when I’m tired and frustrated and thus can’t achieve the things I want to do. When I’m content in self and in life – I don’t give him a thought x
13th September 2020 at 1:46 pm #113611iliketeaParticipant
Hi @lifebegins, Im so sorry to hear you’re feeling low today. Can you get out into the sunshine? Or just potter around at home doing mindless self-indulgent things if you don’t feel like seeing the world? Watch a film? Or go window shopping? I was feeling like this this morning but made myself listen to some recordings of him and oh my god – BAM – got rid of any of these feelings. I know he’s an abuser (I’d even been doubting it a bit) – and anyone who doubts it, or is nasty and judgemental about me can take a running jump. In one of the recordings I say (detail removed by moderator) and that’s it really, isn’t it? Bottom line. Between you and him, if you weren’t happy, you have the RIGHT to leave the relationship, whatever the reason. Even if you wanted to go off with someone else, you have the RIGHT. SO, forget the flying monkeys, he comes from that family, they are probably of the same mindset, they made him after all, so its bound to be the reason, empty your head of their pointlessness and rise above it, you would not want them in your life anymore anyway. Especially if they’re condoning his behaviour. I had the same with the police, they said it would be impossible to charge him unless they had a photo of a black eye in the last few months, they said get out and never look back, sadly its the current system. Sage advice.
I hope thats helpful in a small way. Go with the feelings. Are you having counselling? Perhaps try and do the online Freedom programme? The group ones have all been cancelled anyway, or find out if there are any running on zoom if you want people contact. This last week Ive just wanted to silence and no people. I’ve managed it today. Sometimes you have to do what YOU want to do. Even if its sleeping, just go to bed and sleep. Ive been clearing out and selling cr*p on Marketplace, really really therapeutic, anything that might remind me of him, even though it was all mine anyway, and then buying new stuff with proceeds, junk swapping. Its great. Ive changed my whole house around, it has really helped to stop the reminders.
Sending you a big hug. Always here, slightly comatose at the moment but always here. Keep reaching out. WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS!! Look how far you’ve come. It is for the best. For you and your child. Remember that. xxxx
13th September 2020 at 1:51 pm #113612iliketeaParticipant
What about binge watching something on Netflix, totally self indulgently? Or go to the garden centre and buy up plants and bulbs and get down and touch the soil listening to the radio or a podcast. “Fortunately” is really funny – great distraction It will get better. I promise. Was it you who said write a list of all the things you want to do in the future? Have you done it? Plan all the holidays? Even if you never get to go on them. xx
13th September 2020 at 2:23 pm #113613
Thanks Fizzylem and iliketea. You’ve given me the pep talks I really needed today. I need to start living my best life for me and my child without him in it and that is retribution enough.
And I can’t do anything about the flying monkeys so what’s the point getting upset by it? They’re the ones who should be feeling bad about their behaviour towards me not the other way round.
I really hope karma exists for all of the above!
I just wrote a list of things to be thankful for (I love lists!) and you know what, there is a lot of things on it. And I kind of had a revelation writing it that not being with him anymore is one of those things. So I need to celebrate that not feel bad/sad.
I’m going out for a lovely lengthy walk now in a beautiful setting which will really lift my mood I think.
And another thing I’m thankful for is you ladies and this forum. Don’t know what I’d do without you 💕
13th September 2020 at 2:52 pm #113616BeautifuldayParticipant
So sorry to hear your having a bad day 🙁
I have bad days and good days , I can’t really give much advice on the subject of after leaving a partner as I’m still stuck in a toxic relationship atm but what I would like to say is Well Done that you’ve made it out! Feel proud of yourself. These weeks and months after are going to be hard there is no doubt about that BUT just think you are free to do what you want when you want and to live your best life! 🙂 take each day as it comes .
The other ladies have given excellent advice above. I would like to say walking helps me a great deal getting out in the fresh air , breathing deeply a good long walk I bought some walking shoes and I try to get out each day If I can.
Also watching boxsets and reading too.
Stay focused lovely and focus on living your new life! Its hard but try to forget about him or bring all the horrible things he’s said to you into your mind this isn’t nice i know but its what I do to keep me in reality.
13th September 2020 at 10:54 pm #113634
Hi @beautifulday, thanks for your response today. The walk certainly did me the power of good along with the positive words from you and the other ladies- I’m feeling so much better tonight!
Take care and keep strong 💕
14th September 2020 at 11:17 am #113653
A late good morning to you Hazydayz. Thanks for thinking of me. Keeping busy today to try and keep my mind off things! Hope you caught up on sleep 💕
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