Feeling mean for wanting to leave

[Starflower]

I have been married for a good number of years. Hubby and I have done some awesome things but after years of different things I am finally looking deeper into our relationship and struggling to see how I can stay.

Is it abusive? It really feels so but your opinions or understanding would be appreciated. The lovely stuff no longer makes up for the bad stuff; I’ve just had enough and I need to leave but I know I’m hurting him by wanting this. He can’t see that the roots of our relationship are rotten.

Over the years he has called me names relentlessly, shouted, threatened me with hurting me but countering by saying he’d never hurt me, embarrassing me/putting me down, manipulating conversations so arguments end up my fault, using my families name as an insult, the list goes on.

I am hurt, confused, very sad and feel like a huge weight is hanging around my neck. I struggle to talk as I’ve been shut down before, and feel like I am too damaged to carry on with the relationship.

I am, however conflicted because he isn’t a monster and I genuinely don’t think he has purposely gone out of his way to be abusive to hurt me. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling, he can be and is a really lovely guy. It’s just not for me anymore. I think I’m set on my decision but we’re attending a counselling session together. Hopefully they will help ease the split.

Thank you for the opportunity to share x

[Cheesequeen]

Hi. I think we might be in similar positions. I have been married for a long time and although some really awful things have happened, I feel like they aren’t ‘bad’ enough or ‘often’ enough to be make him an abuser.
I have been doing a lot of reading on codependency recently and I’m starting CBT in a few weeks. That has helped me to understand why I play his behaviour down so much and keep making excuses. Maybe if you have a read online about your characteristics it will help you to understand yourself more? It has helped me so much to start questioning my judgement and consider how I react to him. Every question you ask is one step closer I am hoping.
Good luck with your counselling. Maybe you could ask for a private call or session? Xx

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