Feeling numb

[Anonymous]

I left my relationship (detail removed by Moderator) days ago and I feel like I’m in a bit of a dream. I’ve had to come stay with a family member out of the city I live in as my friends didn’t have space.

Right now I’m experiencing quite constant low level anxiety and having nightmares. Over the course of the relationship I think I experienced quite a lot of psychological abuse. It was a constantly intense on/off again, hyper-critical, he never helped with the house/chores, moving goal posts, crazy-making double standards, jealousy, harassing (at times) controlling/secretive behaviour and what felt like gaslighting. I was constantly worried about him as he often told me he was suicidal and I feel like throughout the relationship my idea of “normal” or what I considered acceptable has completely worn down and I’m confused about my responsibility. He would go away and switch his phone off, withhold all kinds of normal things from me and blame me for his own commitment stuff. He would often make special occasions miserable and had a pattern of being like this (as described above) then finding problems to pick at (about me) and would take it all out on me until I felt I needed distance. He would then apologise and I would believe it – he would tell me the things I wanted to hear and it would start again and get worse each time. There were of course times (and sometimes for a while at a time) where he would be supportive, caring and make gestures to make up for bad times… but this is a given in these dynamics (otherwise why would anyone stay).

I didn’t like myself in the relationship either – I was quite reactive, at times angry and really beside myself upset at times. I was constantly walking on egg shells wondering what was going to upset him from one day to the next, always watching my own behaviour around others in case it triggered an argument… I was constantly thinking the relationship would be over any day – I sort of forgot how to be me or what I liked about myself. The ridiculous thing that decided things for me (and led me to end things for good) – was when I looked at his journal (I know – I’m not proud of this) and found all these horrible things he’d written about me and how he relates to women). Some of it was about my appearance, some about the things he’d lied about. I didn’t tell him I’d seen it – I just planned my exit as I had my answers to the questions I knew he wasn’t being honest about.

Just before I left – I was always on the brink of tears and feeling like I was suffocating. Now It’s like a switch has gone off and I’m just functioning on auto pilot. I just feel quite numb and it’s hard to concentrate for long periods at work and I have no idea what the next few months will be like. Is it normal to feel so disconnected? I can’t really believe I just spent this long going through all of this.

We’ve sort of broken up “mutually” and amicably even though I was the one instigating (even after everything). He’s done this thing before where he feels it’s appropriate to be friends and is treating me with respect from a distance (txting, asking how i am etc)? he’s still trying to talk over txt and I’m replying like we’re on good terms – but I feel absolutely exhausted and depleted from everything that happened. He seems to think we were just a bad fit (which of course is true to a degree) – but I always had to reassure him in the relationship that I wouldn’t cut contact if we broke up and I somehow feel obligated to uphold that… I know it doesn’t sound right and it’s obvious just to cut contact… I feel like I’m protecting him from what I really think and I would somehow be a monster if I were to hold up a mirror to him. By doing this I feel like I’m living in two different realities.

I don’t have any desire to “make him see” my side of this or convince him he was abusive… I think it would be futile and I still somehow feel so sad for him that this is how he is? I think he’s got capacity to be different for someone else maybe or he’ll find a bit of peace so can treat others better once he’s able to address his demons… But I’m certainly done with it all at this point.

Does any of this make sense to anyone? I find it so hard to talk to people about this stuff, explain my choices and not beat myself up for making decisions that hurt me… I think I’d really like to speak to a specialist counsellor or something?

(Detail removed by Moderator).

[Author]

Posts