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that the new abuser in my life again is now my eldest son. Its horrible and embrassing cause it took so long for me to get ex out of my life and now my son who just switches from being bearable to back to acting exactly like his dad. I can see his using same tatics to drain me by hurting me via my youngest by keeping winding him up and insulting him. I have click on that it makes no difference telling him i am disgusted in his behaviour and do not want to know him as he says he doesnt care, i have asked him why he is staying with us if he cant be respectful and he says its by his own choice.,He blantly says he doesnt care about no one and will do what he wants, i personally just hope he goes back to his dad or back to [detail removed by moderator], just want a peaceful life. Bad enough with work being so low with out him causing stress. Think will send my youngest to stay at my parents for while just to get him away from the atmosphere. Am reading up on abuse again to learn new techniques how to deal with abusers, trying to stay strong and not give him any money to go [detail removed by moderator] and let him realise he has to earn his own way, what a selfish boy . I have said twice to him i dot want to have any ties with him if this is how he behaves, i know it hurts him even though he says he doesnt care, he just provokes me more so am trying to avoid saying that line, just hurts me like crazy to see him hurting my youngest with verbal abuse . i just feel like i cant focus on nothing , dont know if it s the money stress or my son impacting me more, hate all this feeling low and negative. All i want to do is sleep all day and forget about everything, but that wont pay the bills that are rising and my rent
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so had another argument , told him i just want him to leave and he cant live with us, as expected he refuses to leave, have told my younger son to stay at the house house, he refuses to leave to, am so stuck . If i call police to remove him , my work contracts will all end, will have no money to pay rent, end up back at my dad who chooses to control me too. will have no money to pay for divorce, just found out got refused legal aid help, is a dead end all way round . Just told my son refuse to speak to him as he is been rude and disrespectful, explained the seriouseness of his actions and impact it will have on my work, and guess what it will be my own fault if i speak up and lose my contracts if i report him, what is a person supposed to do to get rid of the abuser when the abuser is your child and will effect your work being lost if you report him,…. just feel so helpless and oh the classic line of my son you always blame other people for the problems in your life , first it was dad and now its me. I just stated im glad your dad is out of my life and will be glad when u are out of my life, i know that is out of order saying to u own son , but cant help it , he is breaking my peace, anyone with teenagers or older kids please give me guidance how to deal with my son
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sorry just have to rant today, after both my sons having a massive argument with each another, dont care if it was physcial play, both ignored me, got my stress levels high, left them to it , but are now acting as besties and chatting away …. my youngest is now lecturing him he needs to apologize for upsetting me. just cant work it out
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Hi Con
Sounds like your having a rollercoaster ride with your children.
Teenagers can be awful at times, growing up isn’t easy.
Then in with the mix they and you have an abused past, they have learnt behaviour of their father. Also if your anything like me I over think what they are doing.
Just carry on what you are doing, your a great mum
FS
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Hi Confused,
Sorry to hear you are going through this, it sounds very difficult. I’m not a mum myself but I used to work with kids and teenagers. In my training we were always taught to use positive behaviour management, which I know sounds obvious, but I found it to be very effective. Once I started using it I noticed the children and teens responded to me with a lot less challenging behaviour. The basic idea is that you motivate the child/teen to cooperate through reward, rather than focusing on the bad behaviour, which just tends to create more of it. It could also help repair your relationship with him, to get him back on board and on the same ‘team’ as you rather than the battle situation that is currently happening which sounds very difficult.
There is a great book that my mentor recommended me called Managing Challenging Children by Gerard Gordon. The focus is children, but it might be worth a read, it really changed my whole experience of working with children and helped me manage the difficult ones much better (and I met some real characters believe me!!) You could give it a try, it’s very cheap second hand.
It sounds like you are getting very drained by his behaviour, so I would return your attention onto yourself, to build back up your strength. Have very clear boundaries. I’m not sure what to suggest about him moving out, perhaps some of the other ladies with teenagers can advise. One of my neighbours has a difficult teenage son and there used to be a lot of rows. He lives at home whilst working as an apprentice, and they let him use the garage to bring his friends round. Things seem to have calmed down for them now, I think him having more independence and responsibility and some compromises have helped a lot.
You sound like a great mum so don’t give yourself a hard time, teenagers can be extremely difficult, manipulative etc. Do your best but make sure you are looking after yourself, resting, exercising and sleeping well to give you the strength to cope with it all.
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Hi HUn
Thxs for all the wonderful tips , i will def look into that book , and yes maybe try to do positive praise again . You seem very good at your work . maybe u cna guide me wioth my next scenario, he wants to get an aprrentice but in old town where we lived b4 , but expects me to pay for accomodation , have told him to applyf or help with council and do that way but exepcts me to pay, am currently saying no, which he uses against me then says will support myself by going on wrong path, again i am saying that is his choice
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Hi Confused,
I think it’s very positive he wants to get an apprenticeship, as it shows he is looking to the future and building a life for himself. That deserves praise in itself. You could also use it as a chance to practice some of the positive behaviour management techniques.
So for example, you could create a time for the two of you to sit down together and have a look at the application/housing/something else connected to it, that he needs help with that you can help him with (try to do it when you other son isn’t there, so it that you can focus on your older son during the set time). He will probably appreciate the positive attention and time spent focused on him. You could help him make the council application, or create some sort of compromise where you pay for his bus fair but not the accommodation or whatever seems like will work best for you. It could be a sort of informal contract ie. he finds housing and sets up the apprenticeship and you agree to pay his weekly bus or something like that. Then each week you check in with how he’s doing and help him iron out difficulties to keep him on the right track. If you can get him talking about his goals and dreams you can both create a plan of how he can achieve them, which should help change the dynamic from being a battle to being a team.
If you phrase it in a way that suggests that you have faith in him that he will make a success of it, that you are proud of him for seeking an apprenticeship, that you trust he is responsible now and that you’d like to support him transition into living independently, he is more likely to respond better and you will both hopefully feel better about it.
Teenagers love the thought of freedom, independence and earning money so it’s a good time to encourage that and show him the benefits of it, ie. maybe he could save up for a trip with his friends (depending on age etc).
Hope this helps, and don’t give yourself a hard time, it must be very challenging after all you have dealt with. xx
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Hi Confused,
My heart goes out to you.
I was given some very good advice from an older lady who I know who had been through controlling relationships, divorce and single motherhood.
She said to me to not cut the kids too much slack- to parent them as normal. Teenagers are challenging and the best of times, but these kids have seen us abused and might try on the power games too. Like a scratched record, and without getting drawn into an emotional argument, repeat that you won’t tolerate his behaviour. Give him a wide berth- they need to learn that they will be left to their own devices if they can’t be civil and respectful to us.
One thing I did at the beginning, when my kids were venting their anger onto me, was to call in outside help. A lot of people might shiver at the thought of this, but there are family support services and family crisis teams who respond to a request from you ( so it’s logged as you requesting short term help- not that you are unable to cope ). I had someone come into the house and talk to the boys about their behaviour, etc. Though my ex apparently snorted at this to my kids, and tried to laugh at me that I couldn’t cope, I didn’t care: my priority was to let the boys know that whatever unhealthy behaviours went on in the house would be shared with the outside world. And that I would get support.
I didn’t want my kids to continue my ex’s way of being, thinking that whatever nasty behaviour went on behind closed doors wouldn’t be aired in public. As we know, abuse thrives on secrecy. I wanted to blast that whole dynamic.
While your son thinks he can lord it at home and mimic his dad without anyone else finding out , he will be more likely to think he can continue in his ways. Just like we have exposed our abusers publicly after putting up with their cruelty for years, I think we must ‘expose’ our kids’ abusive behaviours too, if we feel that it is going beyond normal teenage challenging behaviour and is abusive.
I didn’t want my kids to think for one second that I wouldn’t speak out.
Please don’t feel embarrassed. Shame about our situation is what stopped many of us revealing abuse for many years, but the shame isn’t ours. It belongs to the perpetrator.
Hugs x
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