This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Braelynn 2 days, 23 hours ago.

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  • #108223
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    Hi,
    Not sure if I’m posting in right topic area. Literally I’m out of the abusive relationship but it feels like I’m very much still in the midst of things.

    Feeling rubbish this morning. I had very little sleep and was up at silly o clock preparing more stuff for the police. It’s draining going over and over stuff and it’s actually making me feel nervous and nauseous.

    His family have been texting and FaceTime to speak to my child but I’m trying to hold them off until I see where I stand with my solicitor tomorrow. I don’t know what I should allow/not allow and every time I see message/missed call I get anxious.

    And I’m feeling anxious about all the evidence I have to provide. Although I know that it’s him that’s put me in this position and every professional I’ve spoken to said I’ve done the right thing, his family are blaming me for ‘dobbing’ him in. They’ll be using every self-righteous excuse to minimise his behaviour.

    This is a lonely place right now as I’m on my own. But I keep telling myself at least I’m not being abused xx

  • #108228
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    Yes, it’s a lonely time where your at right now, I remember that too. At least you are not being abused as you say, but it still feels like it when you have them on you like a pack of wolves after what’s theirs as they see it? Your baby! I remember feeling that years ago! Things will settle in time, you will know the situation better, once you’ve talked to your solicitor. Good luck💞💞

  • #108234
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    That’s exactly it Hazydayz! He can’t contact me but the fam are sure going to keep the pressure on.

    thanks for your comforting words. It’s so overwhelming all that I’ve got to do over the next few weeks/months. Splitting up with a normal person is stressful enough but this is something else and I have the investigation as well xx

  • #108251
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Hello and Welcome here! I think I would tell his family, not over the phone, maybe in an email that right now with the situation being what it is, you and the kids are fine but contact will be limited while things are being worked out. That you will allow some face time here and there but you will contact them about that. This way you are putting the ball in “your” court. I would also say that for now you need your space so the constant texting, etc., needs to calm down or you will have to block them. That’s not you being mean, it’s you having boundaries and they need to respect that. They are being his little minions here and you know that. So, tough beans if they don’t like it.

    This is a hard time, everyone goes through it getting out. I hope you are journaling because that helps, helps to get things out and on paper for you to see and helps you plan, etc. Music always helps me, music that lifts your spirits up. If I play dancing music for example, I don’t care how down I am, I will start dancing or want to. I will be in bed and hear something and start dancing in bed. I’m a nut, yes I am…

    You are going to find out soon here regarding your rights so hang on! Have you tried our live chat? Go here…https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

    Please realize you have every right to put up boundaries regarding his family. You got out so hang on here with the process and write out all the questions for your solicitor, don’t be shy. Take deep calming breaths…in through the nose deeply slowly expanding everything you’ve got, hold it for a few seconds, then force it out very very very slowly through your mouth saying ahhhhhh as you do it. Do this until you are calm, it works.

    You need to stay focused and on track but you also need to take time out for yourself and do something nice for you, hot bath, good music, good food, watch a funny movie, interesting youtube video – something to give yourself a little break. You have to pamper yourself somehow every day. No buts about that one, okay? Do you have any friends or family/support group at all?

  • #108253
     iliketea 
    Participant

    @lifebegins, its going to be ok. Probably the adrenaline has worn off from the first week and you’re left exhausted and flat. So now is the time to recharge. Definitely get your questions down on paper and everything you want to discuss with the solicitor. I’ve found solicitors love to talk, so try and make sure you are heard and have everything answered before you leave the room. Don’t let them fill the time with all their chat though…get yours in as early as you can. Treat it like a business meeting, a pitch, you need to get your point in first…

    Once you’ve ticked that off, REST. For an hour or so.

    Then maybe if you can do some exercise, fresh air, change of scene. Countryside if possible, somewhere open with big views, your eyes need to stretch, you need to see there is a world out there, and this is a small blip in the universe that you have got and you will sort. Not to minimise just to say, you’ve done the first massive bit.

    The annoying hassling family. They’re going to be doing that for a while yet I feel. I think its going to happen to me too. They are controlling too. He had to have learnt this behaviour from somewhere and the apple does not fall far from the tree with domestic abuse…Try to ignore them. You don’t owe them anything. They owe you respect. They owe you a lot of sorry’s. They owe you boundaries. They owe it to you to shut up right now and leave you to rest and recharge. No woman in their right mind would go through all this for nothing.

    SO, sorry, bossy boots on again!! haha. Stay strong. You will be ok. This will be ok. You have got it. You will sort it. Deep breaths. And how about a bit of visualisation? If there a place in the world you love most in the world? Or something that happened in the past that made you feel free and happy. Go back there in your minds eye. Lodge that picture. And breathe. Keep posting. We’re all here, you’ve done so well. xx

  • #108274
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    Thank you Braelynn and iliketea. I really needed your pep talks today. Was feeling so low this morning.

    I sat down with my child to watch a film all cosy on the sofa and promptly fell asleep for an hour. Woke up feeling like a new woman.

    Yummy dinner tonight and baking a cake. In peace. Without worrying who’s coming home like a big black cloud!

    Thank you both 🙏x*x

  • #108287
     iliketea 
    Participant

    So so glad! Xx

  • #108288
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Awesome!! Sometimes we need to do a “restart and reboot” so to speak. Those old patterns just love to try to get going again in us and we have to physically stop them, we really do. This life now isn’t about doing the old patterns but ohhh how they love to pop up and say, oh yes you do! You really really do! Uh no, you really really don’t. Because the longer you get the good feelings from being free, then the evidence won’t tolerate the lies anymore. The paint on the pig doesn’t look attractive to you anymore and you can put paint and brushes away and go – Nope, not doing it anymore. It’s a pig, going to let it stay that way. I see what I see, know what I know and that’s that! I may have been deceived but I’m not stupid. I will own my wrong choices and all that and now, I’m making new ones so that little self critic can bite me! Poof! Be gone!

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