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    • #78393
      Getmylifeback
      Participant

      A few week ago id made my mind up, i wasnt putting up with the verbal abuse and controlling anymore.
      Roll forward 3 weeks and im in a bad place mentally. I know i should go to the doctors bug im scared to as hell find out or ill have ti lie then will act guilty.
      I was away for a long weekend , kids were at mh parents as i cant relax when hes got them on his own. Hed never hurt them but its more hed be on the phone all the time orr id be worried he wouldnt read my daughter a story and she sometimes struggles to sleep.
      Whilst away i had one round of abuse as i didnt answer the phone when he rang me 4 times at 10.30pm as hed been out but i was asleep and had put phone on silent as was sharing a room with a friend.
      Id decided enough was enough, had found a nice house on rental market as i couldnt stay here once i say its over.
      Came home and my little dog, my baby and my shadow was poorly. Took her to the vet monday morning and ended up having her put to sllep as she was so ill. Its broken me completely, she was part of my world.
      So im still here, heart brioken.
      Hes being so nice apart from when he got drunk sunday night and i got the verbals and told i need to get a grip over losing my baby as he was grieving too and its not all about me.
      My tricillomania is horrendous. I feel so anxious and now when i sit down and force myselc not o touch my hair i feel so panicky.

    • #78399
      fizzylem
      Participant

      So sorry to read you’ve lost your dog; it sounds like it’s been a traumatic ending and very sudden. At first I thought you were going to say he did this. Give yourself a bit of space and time and you will no doubt pick up your exit plan again as soon as you feel able.

      It’s good to read you’ve had enough and have decided that you deserve a better life and to be treated with respect and kindness.

      It shows us how heartless he can be attacking you for grieving; we’re not allowed to be ill or vulnerable hey, if it effects his needs being met; these men tend to hate having to be there for someone emotionally, as they simply dont get it and want you ok so you can resume looking after him. He sounds like a pig x

    • #78413
      Getmylifeback
      Participant

      Thank you.
      He wouldnt hurt our dog, he really was as cut up as i was that shes gone. Shed been poirly for a while but was on medication but just went rapidly down hill.

      What i find so hard is that hes generally being nice and wanting to do more with the kids.

      I feel a b***h as i can see him trying but after so many years of ups and downs my heart isnt in it and i feel nothing. Theres no emotional connection anymore. Im snapping at him, i dont want him to touch me.
      When im upset thinking about my dog i want to be alone or with my kids. I dont want him to comfort me.
      So now im the horrible one.
      I just so wish id plucked up courage to do this when things were bad as now i feel im giving up now when hes trying.
      When im here at work im fine. Hes stopoed ringing me at work (for now) but i know if i saw his nane on my phone or when i get in the car to go home that anxious feeling returns.
      At home im on edge, always have to keep busy. If i know hes out for a night or away im fine but the feeling returns when i know hell be back.

      Ive booked an appt at the docs next thursday. Im due a smear anyway so im going to say its for that. Im petrified though ive got to discusz my anxiety as i just cant control the trich anymore. I know ive been bad but realised last night ive s massive thin and partially bakd patch at the back of my head. I can just about cover it now with my hair up but not for long if i dont get a grip on it now.
      I know its of how hes treated me but im scared itll seem pathetic to the doctors. And if i do say it to them will it definitley stay just on record, they wouldnt pass to social services etc?

    • #78414
      KIP.
      Participant

      Try to contact your local women’s aid for help. All your headspace is taken up trying to appease him. Leaving little room for rational thinking. You know he is the cause of your anxiety and treating the symptoms is what I did for decades. Treat the cause, start again and work on a safe exit plan. Google The Cycle of Abuse, Gaslighting, abusers keep us trapped using guilt but you have nothing to feel guilty about but you need help x

    • #78426
      fizzylem
      Participant

      GMLF, you’re so stressed and anxious you are unconsciously pulling your own hair out; feeling so stuck in your situation, out of control, powerless, feeling you do not know what to do, going over and over it in your mind, terrified of making the wrong decision or any decision – of cousre this is a stressful situation for you dealing with him and the end, especially as you know he is unpredictable and often out of control. It is also further stressful because you know any decision you do make will impact on the family.

      Like many before you, we are fooled into believing that we must stay and endure it for our children; so not true, research shows that those children now grown up say they wished she’d left him a long time ago, so we didn’t have to be part of it too – they were miserable – we were miserable.

      A contented mum goes a very long way when raising and teaching a child how to be content in the world. Would you want your children to feel trapped and to endure this with their partners? No, you’d be praying they got out and as soon as possible. Show them this is the right and only way to be. Show them they need love and respect in all of their relationships. Children learn what they live. So if he has anger issues, he is teaching them how to react and blow instead of how to deal with anger appropriately; he is also teaching them disrespect for self and others.

      No, SS are not interested in you having anxiety or depression – can you imagine how many children they would need to see if they were, everytime a parent presented with this at the GP? Hundreds of thousands. SS are only interested in the child’s welfare, not the mum’s, there would need to be some serious neglect occuring for the GP to raise any concerns e.g. they are witnessing violence or mum has a problem with alcohol or drugs.

      Everyone experiences anxiety and a depressed mood at some time or another in life, ‘no one’ can escape this – most of us can still parent well enough until this passes. Your anxiety is a very natural and expected response to living with an abusive, controlling man, and feeling miserable and trapped in the relationship.

      Your anxiety becomes visble in the tric. hey – its like a call for help. What you really need to do is ‘talk’ with others to ease your anxiety by working out what you need to do and thus the tric. will stop. Whatever you think and feel needs to come out – at the moment you are trying to supress it and keep it down and in and to yourself – which only makes it worse.

      KIP’s right, it is about treating the cause, by leaving him. Once you are out and safe, then you can learn ways to manage the stress and anxiety to stop it from spiralling out of control, which you can do when there is no serious threat anymore – should you still feel anxious – quite often what occurs is we struggle to determin what is a real threat and what isn’t for a while afterwards – because we’ve ignored what the anxiety has been trying to say for so long, a kind of reset needs to occur and we learn to listen and respond to self – always. BUT at the moment your anxiety is trying to serve you, it’s telling you to fight or take flight, but instead you have frozen – doing nothing to get away or fight. You don’t want to fight him, you want to get away hey.

      It’s scary to leave and a lot of work, but the answer right now really is to feel the fear and do it anyway because this is right for you; which also means it is right for your children as well inccidently.

      You need plenty of support to make this happen; yes speak to the GP, be honest, speak to a therapist and also get yourself a WA support worker from the local charity. Above all else, don’t take risks, your exit needs to be a safe one – the WA worker can help you workout the best way to get out and do whatever it is you need to do.

      Physical abuse is easier for others to see, psychological, emotional, financial abuse is not as easy for others to see, some never see it, so find out who and who won’t support you, those who don’t fine, walk away, stick with only those who do. It is utterly dreadful to experience, and often more so once he realsies he is losing his grip on you and you are leaving – they often up their game at this point. You have no control over him which you have learnt, which is why it’s so very very important to acknolwedge you can not do this alone and need a team of support x

    • #78592
      Getmylifeback
      Participant

      @fizzylem
      You really havd explained it incredibly well, thats exactly how im feeling.

      Im so petrified if i leave hell turn the kids against me or they will choose to stay. Id rather be dead than without them.

      Ive been ill this weekend, ot a bug but i think its also all the stress over my home situation and grief losing my dog (detail removed by moderator).
      This morning i did a cooked breakfast and washed up whilsf he sat on his arse watching tv. I said i needed to go into town to supermarket and he said well all go. I said i didnt want to drag kids round just go quick and back then he reckons im being funny. Just did online shop (detail removed by moderator) as havent the energy to argue.
      He then (in THAT voice) says how am i this week, has he annoyed me or do i love him. I saix dont start all that and he then says well what do i expect and says im mentally unstable and cant cope with daily life.
      That did it, i was fuming and just ignored him.
      He also said hes keeping away as doesnt want our bug , so rather than help me with kids etc he stays out of germs way.
      Selfish b*****d!!

    • #78593
      Getmylifeback
      Participant

      I genuinely do feel so low though that i do feel depressed. Yesterday morning i just kept crying and felt so low 😪 i tried to talk to a friebnx about how im feeling but stopped short of how bad i feel. Hes got in my hesd that i dont know who i can or cant trust

    • #78636
      fizzylem
      Participant

      He’s really done a job on you hasn’t he. You need to lighten your load by talking to someone. I can tell you right now I know you have done nothing wrong at all whatsoever, there is nothing he or others could possibly hang you for!

      It’s one step at a time in the right direction that you need – you’re getting overwhelmed and frozen still by turning it all over and over in your mind hey; if you’re worried about who to talk to then the best place to start is the WA helpline as it’s confidential and there just for you x

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