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Hi, I have posted before a while ago. I am still in the same situation (number removed by Moderator) years nearly. Deep down I know it’s emotional abuse but why can’t I walk away. Every birthday and Christmas ruined. I promised myself last year if it was the same I would walk away. But he lives in my home and I just get silent treatment. But he texts me and always turns into him being nasty. How do we communicate with these people. I said the words “I’m done” but he is still at home and I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. I worry I’m women hood clock is ticking and I may not have children. But do I want children with this man why can’t I just make a decision and stick to it
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I am so sorry you are going through this. You ask yourself the question: “Why?” “Why are you still in the same situation?” “Why can’t you just make a decision and stick to it?’ And there are so many answers to these questions. Maybe because you need help and you can’t do it on your own. Maybe because you are isolated (and abusers often isolate their victims from friends and family, making them believe they have no one to turn to for support). Or is it because you grew up in a family where abuse was normal, making it hard to recognize when a relationship is not healthy. There are so many answers to your questions because each case is different and each human being is different. Have you asked for help?
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Thank you so much for replying, yes you are completely right. I grew up in an abusive environment I take care of my mum now as a result. My family and friends are incredibly supportive I do talk to them now they all say to leave/kick him out (I’m worried about were he will live) but at the same time just support which ever I choose but always see the upset and disappointment in there face when I say oh he’s being really nice at the moment.. boom within a week back to it so them I feel embarrassed, being diagnosed cptsd I have off days myself ( but of course if I mention this I’m just playing victim) I’m not a person to mope I cope and get on with with day to day tasks, but it’s so difficult when coming home to silent treatment, I say the words I am done and then feel guilty. I was in a previous relationship which was violent I got out thank goodness but I’m not sure if the emotional abuse is worse it’s bizarre.
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Oh, he sound kind of like my husband. It hurts so much being ignored, being given the silent treatment… that might be why it’s hard to leave. The silent treatment creates a kind of desperation, that makes you want to stay, anything to make him break his silence. At least, that’s the way it is with me. It creates a kind of push pull feeling. I guess it’s the trauma bond.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Silence is such a painful weapon.
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You mentioned wanting to have children, but think of this. Do you want your children to feel this pain? I hope I’m not stepping out of line when I say that. Its just that, a lot of things you’ve said hit close to home. My abuser ignore me too, he ruins my birthday, our anniversary, everything expect days that are special to him. And before I realized he was abusive, I wanted children too.
But after I realized that he was abusive, I imagined him getting mad and ignoring our children. How would my child cope with the pain? How would they understand that their father is hurting them for pointless reasons? Children don’t understand that. I as an adult, have difficulty wrapping my head around it. I’ve watched videos on abuse, I’ve read books and articles on domestic violence, and still, it’s difficult to understand emotionally. So how should my child understand this? So I decided not to have children. I don’t want my children to hurt.
I don’t mean to tell you what to do. I just want to point out that if he is hurting you, there is a high probability that he would also hurt your children. I’m sorry if I’m stepping out of line by saying this. I just wanted to voice my opinion.
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I ask myself so many questions. I have read that you feel sad, over and over again in the same situation, almost like a hamster on a wheel; just going round and round. But the hamster is stuck in that cycle because the hamster decides to continue running. If the hamster stops running, the wheel stops too. I want to step out of that wheel.
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I think that you don’t need to feel guilty. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be free of pain; emotional or physical. Wanting him to leave your home is not a bad thing. He chooses to hurt you. He didn’t have to make this choice. So there is nothing wrong with kicking him out. You don’t deserve to be hurt. Don’t feel guilty about wanting to keep yourself emotionally safe.
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