Feeling sad

[Headspinning]

I’ve gotten out and I’ve been doing ok in the main. Been between (detail removed by moderator)and have started legal advice to progress matters. I feel worse when there is contact as it invariably leads to an argument. He’s tried to restart things, he’s had major strops. We had a short lived reconciliation then he fabricated a big drama which led to a lot of upset.

Whilst he was never out and out violent during the relationship, when I look on paper at the things he has done and the ways he has treated me poorly it’s a no brainer. Argumentative, self centred, domineering – pretty much ticks all the n********t boxes of putting me on a pedestal only to knock it away and resent me for my lack of perfection.

I’ve told my friends and family most of what’s been happening and they are all very supportive to help me exit relationship. I’ve probably told the, more than I should (albeit it’s all true), maybe as a safety tactic to stop me going back.

(detail removed bu moderator) I think I am going to be advised to get a divorce now on unreasonable behaviour grounds. Basically to stop him having claim on some assets if he doesnt sign a minute of agreement.

This has set me back hugely. Whilst I am currently happier out of the relationship, divorce seems so final. I’m getting flashbacks of some of the good moments. Holidays, wee in-jokes, hugs. It just made me really upset and burst into tears. I can’t look for sympathy as my friends and family have heard all the bad stories and unreasonable behaviour.

What do you do when you still have that emotional attachment? An you ever be fully sure you are doing the right thing – and if your not how do you press ahead anyway?

I don’t understand this wobble – think it’s the finality of what’s coming. Feel like I’m boxed into a corner – I’m needing to push forward in spite of how I feel as I need to protect assets for the kids. But in an ideal world it feels like I’m not ready and I would have rather had time to grieve.

I’m trying to remember some of the bad stuff to help me block out the good memories creeping in.

Anyone else relate to this? How did you get through it?

[KIP.]

Here’s the sting in the tail of domestic abuse. We have to grieve for the relationship we thought we had, for the good times of which I’m sure there were many, as that’s how we get hooked back in again and again, and we must grieve for the future we thought we would also have with these men. There’s also no closure. We don’t get to sit down and discuss things in a rational way. “Life gets easier when we accept the apology we will never get”. It helped me to write down all the bad incidents and how they made me feel. But the best and quickest way is time and zero contact, to take things hour by hour and day by day. Any contact is toxic and will drag you backwards. Write down three things each day that you’re grateful for at the moment. Watch out for PTSD, I had a couple weeks of euphoria then PTSD hit me like a truck. Then it’s a rollercoaster. Just know that these feelings will pass and it takes two to make a relationship work and the very first time he abused you, he gave you permission to walk away. They’re nasty and vicious when they don’t get their own way and even when they do get their own way. Try to be grateful you’re in a position to walk away. It will get easier. You won’t always feel this way. The fog slowly clears and you begin to realise you never knew this man, liars and cheaters and lowlife cowards. Eventually you will embrace life again and enjoy your abuse free life. Meantime, just be kind to yourself and keep reaching out. Do something nice for you each day x

[Headspinning]

Thanks KIP
I think I’ve been feeling so angry and indignant focussing on the bad stuff and that makes it easier. And I have no shortage of people willing to listen and agree that he has been totally unreasonable.
Then last night I was on my own and I just felt really sad that he couldn’t be the person I thought he was going to be – because we would both have had a much nicer life. And when he wasn’t being an idiot we did have good times, normal times, affection, kindness, fun. And those times are gone now. Ive chosen to walk away so I need to accept I walk away from it all. I am going to have to take decisive action to finalise things which I find so sad. If I don’t I leave my kids financial future at risk if something happens to me – as my legal spouse he would inherit. I can go through the logistical steps I need to take but find myself not in sync regarding how I am feeling emotionally. Wish I could press the pause button to allow myself to come to terms with it.
I guess I need to go through the full spectrum of emotions to get through it.

[KIP.]

Separate the legal from the emotional. For me the divorce was just a piece of paper. It’s the emotional bond that’s harder to recover from. Take the advice of the solicitor. Plenty time to grieve and analyse after this important stage. Many men make divorce difficult expensive and hurtful. Mine was a nightmare of accusations from him! So grab this chance to get things moving swiftly and without the expense of a lengthy process. You may not feel so sad when you see what he writes about you. Those happy memories are yours to keep. Just like many other happy memories with other people in your life you no longer see. You were happy, you brought the happiness. You will be happy again. Believe me if he did inherit, your children would get nothing from him x

[KIP.]

Remember to change the beneficiary on any life insurance policies, your works pension etc.

[Quietgirraffe]

I am having that same feeling of wobble. I too wish that I could have taken more time to think over my decision before leaving, and worry about whether I made the right decision. Unfortunately I don’t know that there’s any way we can convince ourselves that we made the right decision until the passage of time proves it.

But here are some things I’m trying to do to help myself see that things are so much better without him. Maybe these would help you too: take some time out of each day to do something that brings you joy. Especially try to do things you love that you wouldn’t be allowed to do if you stayed in the relationship. Reach out to friends, perhaps people from whom he isolated you, even just for a quick chat up chat. Write out the bad things he did so you can go back and read them and remind yourself why you left.

Making the break completely final feels scary, I I know. But try to think of how you’re going to feel once everything is truly finalized, how much weight that will take off your shoulders. Ask yourself if you think you will be able to truly find happiness if you go back. If you would have the freedom to fully be yourself and enjoy life. Because no relationship is worth the price of our freedom. It’s scary to leave the familiar behind, but doing so will open so many new doors for you. Freedom is worth feeling a little bit of discomfort from wrenching yourself out of the familiar, harmful patterns of your old relationship.

It’s hard yes, and there will continue to be ups and downs, but you can get through. Just remember that you are worth so much more than how he has treated you.

[Tickleribber]

Hello I’d just like to say that I’ve held on for very many more years than I should, because there were still elements of the relationship that were very good.

However I now wish I had had the strength to get out much earlier, as I’m realising I wasted a lot of years only to find that now, at a stage in my life when time isn’t on my side so much, there’s nothing left I’m enjoying, and I feel like it was never really a relationship at all. I was just being used, and not valued at all, and that’s going to be the rest of my life unless I can find a way out.
Oddly how I reached this conclusion was realising how thoughtfully a couple of platonic male friends speak to me and treat me, complete contrast to how my OH behaves.
It’s important I think to hold on to good memories, but realise it’s entirely possible to make better ones in the future in the next phase of your life.

[Headspinning]

Thanks folks for the responses. I’m definitely struggling this week because it would have been a significant relationship anniversary this week and it’s making me remember happier times and be sad that the hope I felt was not realised.

I didn’t actually make the decision to need the relationship- he created a drama, escalated it and I think he left to make a big and dramatic gesture. Before I knew it we went from having an overblown argument about something really minor to a few weeks later he was living elsewhere and had changed his Facebook status to separated and contacted my family to tell them we were getting divorced. Since that time I have uncovered info from his past regarding some previous convictions and recently since we have been separated he has been using joint funds to pay for online dating sites and pirn(!) who does that?!

The pace at which my life has changed alobg side the world changing has freaked me out.

Yes he has tried to win me back a couple of tunes but I wonder to what extent it’s his comfortable life as opposed to be he misses. We had a short term reconciliation which he then turned into a drama when he thought he had me secured again so I have resisted further attempts and instructed a solicitor.

I wish I knew if I ever really meant anything or was I always just a meal ticket. I like to think that for much of the time it was genuine, he did enter into it with positive intentions, but somewhere along the way his sense of self importance and entitlement took over. I wasn’t the perfect person he thought he had met (who is!) and once married he didn’t think he had to try so hard. I don’t know.

When you come out of these situations and someone has let you down so badly how can you ever trust your judgement again? I’ve been getting flashbacks recently to happier earlier days recently and it makes me sad for both of us that it couldn’t be sustained. And I consider his track record he has a string of failed relationships before him that all ended in verbal abuse – so it’s clearly not me at fault.

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions and positive thoughts. I’m hoping a side effect of the lockdown will be I have no alternative but to go through the grieving process!

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