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Today has been the worst day so far. I wanted a car to just run me over literally. I was crossing the road just wishing the car would speed up and hit me. Crying all day but trying not to make it obvious to kids. I was positive and then I had to close my tax credit claim to a single parent. To be told I now need to apply for universal credit which is harder work, and can take up to 5 weeks to get money. So I applied today but have to book an interview. Which they were closed. Atleast tax credits open weekends. Had tax credits answered the phone a week ago I would of just been able to start a new tax credit claim. I’m sure they didn’t answer purposely. I just want everything sorted. I think maybe I should go doctors to deal with the feelings Iv been having. Although I don’t want them to say I’m incapable of having my children or that he should have them. I also overthink everything which gives me major anxiety and worry. Right now I just want it all to end. Im just full of hurt. It’s the benefits thing that’s tipped me over the edge with it all. I also think I’m a little strange and maybe selfish as I don’t get upset about my Nan being in hospital or my grandad passing away. I figure everyone dies at some point. But yet I can become so low from a conversation or feeling like Iv said the wrong thing or someone unfriendly me of Facebook. I know I need to stay strong and try and get through it but right now it’s a big struggle.
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Hi distraught, I just want to let you know, you’re not strange, not’ feeling’ anything with regards your grandparents is perfectly normal. Being with an abuser, it numbs down all our feelings. I dont feel love for any family members not even my grandson, why? I thought I was callous unfeeling fir so long, I now realise that all my good emotions have been made to be rubbish, not important,discredited. Showing any emotions to and for other people makes our abuser feel bad about themselves, makes them insecure. To make themselves feel better, they make us believe(wrongly), that by showing others any empathy, we’re not caring about his feelings, we’re putting others before him. Once we’re totally away from him and his needs,we should start to ‘feel’ again.
IWMB 💕💕 -
Thank you iwantmeback, it does make sense. I suppose this is what I’m doing and the only people I feel anything for is my children. He has said things to me about me not supporting him or being upset for him. When I had post natal depression he would say what are you crying for and walk out. I’m never allowed to be ill because he’s always in more pain. Or if I’m tired, he’s always more tired despite me being up all night with the children. Things that I thought weren’t that bad are now seeming to all fit in with it being abuse. My friends are right Iv adapted myself and things have felt better with him because everything becomes normal. When actually Iv just become deeper and deeper into his trap.
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Sorry you’re having such a tough time, Distraught. I’m having the same worries with Tsx credits etc myself. It is awful. I sympathise. Please be kind to yourself and show yourself some compassion. I hope you can resolve your benefits situation soon. It’s tough but whatever it takes to get away from these men, it’s worth it.
Take care
Eve
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