Feeling so alone right now

[TrappedButterfly]

I feel like I’m posting here a lot recently but I have never felt so alone. I am at rock bottom. I really feel like such a failure.

Against advice on here and outside of here, I went back to the family home so my husband could spend time with our little one there. It’s the first time I went back to the family home since I left.

The one person who I thought understood what I was going through, and has supported me throughout, has now turned against me since finding out.

She has accused me of putting my husband on a pedestal. That I have forgotten what my family has done for me. That I am putting my needs in front of my little girl, and that she can’t believe I am contemplating taking my child back into an aggressive environment. Concluding that she hopes I have a happy life.

Maybe she is right. Maybe I am selfish, that I am bad mother. I am such a fool. I hate the fact I try to see the good in him. I hate wanting to see a future with him as a family. But I can’t help it. I keep falling for his charm. Believing that he can change. Maybe I am stupid. Maybe this is the life I deserve.

Right now I just want to run away with my little girl so we can start completely fresh. Away from everything.

I feel like no one understands what is going on in my head. I feel so lost and I hate it 😞

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel,
I want to say well done for posting and being so open and honest
I do understand and I am sure many other women on here do to, you are not alone
Honestly I think your friend maybe right, however I understand that it is a process and a journey and we can only leave and stay left when we are ready
I to left my ex and then went back to him… it is very common
I would say from what you are saying that you are experiencing trauma bonding… I am not sure if you have heard this term before but if not please do some research on it … its very powerful and feels like love and heart ache
For now though I think the most important thing is, is that you and your child are safe… if this is not the case you need to leave and get support
Please start to put some love and selfcare into you… this will build your confidence, strengthen your boundaries and in time empower you … if you have left him once you can do it again
Don’t be to hard on yourself that is only going to add to you feeling lost
. Forgive yourself, start a fresh day and really listen to what you know in your heart is best for you and your child
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you so much. I think I was hurt by her words because deep down I know she is right too.

Even though I felt a sense of dread going back there, he was so nice and that’s what made it hard. He made me believe we can get through this. What we had was good.

But I am now back where I am staying, away from him.

I just hate I am now craving all the good times. Even though the last memory there was me being so scared of him trying to escape.

I definitely need to do a lot of work on myself. And I can’t ever go back there like that again. I don’t know what I was thinking. I did not realise how much I bow down to him 😔

Will definitely be reading up on trauma bonding tonight.

Thanks again. Xx

[Darcy]

Just take it one step at a time my darling … lots and lots of selfcare
I am glad that you are away from him again … its hard to stay strong with these men so take it slow and go easy on yourself
The more you put into yourself the more your confidence will grow and your boundaries with him will strengthen … believe me, Ive put my own work in
Id really recommend reading or listening to Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life
Its very early days for you and this is a process and journey but you will get there
D xx

[nbumblebee]

“Maybe she is right. Maybe I am selfish, that I am bad mother. I am such a fool. I hate the fact I try to see the good in him. I hate wanting to see a future with him as a family. But I can’t help it. I keep falling for his charm. Believing that he can change. Maybe I am stupid. Maybe this is the life I deserve.”
I couldve wrote this. I understand you are not alone. No matter what he does what i can see now i cant leave either, you are not alone.
However i do have to say dont go back not now youve left its so easy for me to say it and im such a hypocrite i know that but you left for a reason try and remember that reason how he made you feel so bad that you had to leave.
I dont have much advice i really dont but you are not alone x

[TrappedButterfly]

Even though I would not wish this feeling onto anyone, I am so glad someone can relate. Please don’t call yourself a hypocrite though. I know how hard it is to leave. How much hold they can have over you. The tricks your mind plays in trying to make you stay. How much you try to convince yourself that this is just normal behaviour. It’s so so hard. I just count myself lucky in a way that after a series of events all close together, I found the strength to leave. It took me ages to get here again and I’m trying my upmost best to stay away this time. But I get so close to going back. “He’s not that bad” “he has a heart” being the main culprit.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. Xx

[nbumblebee]

Reading honest stories like yours from those who have left give me hope and strength to wake each day and face him. Hoping one day it will be me posting that ive left so from the bottom of my heart Thank you for sharing.
Just keep reminding yourself of how bad he is not how good and the reasons why you left in the first place. Stay safe stay strong xx

[TrappedButterfly]

I am so glad these posts are giving you the strength and hope to face him and I really hope that one day soon, I will see a past from you saying that you finally found that moment and strength to leave.

It’s so hard getting out. I have left numerous times now and I really hope this is the last.

Even though there are so many similarities between peoples stories. Every journey is so different.

We are all here to support each other and the great thing is that no one here seems to judge.

Please stay safe yourself. Sending you so much love and support xx

[Twisted Sister]

you’re really not alone with this, on here, or out there.

You’ve done a very difficult thing, in leaving. I think its normal to have many conflicting thoughts and emotions going on at the same time when you make that decision to leave, and at that point the one that wins is the one to leave, but there are so many other conflicting emotions that fight to be prioritised as well, like the love you felt for him, like the belief (that is strong) that he could just stop abusing, and he may well promise this and say he recognises he is violent to you and it has to stop, which is exactly what you want to hear, after all you just wanted the abuse to stop.

Its a big melting pot of all the strongest of emotions isn’t it, and being in his company again and hearing the words you longed to hear, make it very hard to still hear the voice that says how scared you are, how you can’t trust him not to hurt you again, how very frightening it was to be trying to escape his abuses, and protect your little one.

you’ve done it though, and you’ve realised whats been going on in your heart and head throughout the visit and are now talking about it, trying to understand, and you will, and it will get easier, this battle of addiction to him, it will decline the less you see him. Like smoking a cigarette starts up the smoking addiction cycle again, so does getting a fix of your perpetrator.

Keep strong andbrave as you are.

warmest wishes ts

[TrappedButterfly]

You summed it up so perfectly. Thank you.

The belief that the abuse can just stop is the worst thought. I know it can’t. I’ve gone back a number of times now and the same cycle happens. Yes it’s takes a little longer to get to the peak. But the end result stays the same. He is still that angry person who is quick to bring me down when he can.

I will never forget that mix of being so scared of leaving him and that euphoria of thinking yes I have done it.

If it’s not for me, it’s for my daughter knowing that she will never grow up thinking that his behaviour is normal.

Thank you so much for your reply xx

[Grey Rock]

I don’t think there are many people who leave successfully the first, second or third time. According to the lady I spoke to at women’s aid the average is about 7 or 8. For me it was about the 5th time. I suppose I learned something new each time I left though so that final time I was able to be more effective in my escape and I’d read and watched lots (mostly Dr Ramani and Melanie Tonia Evans) so his hoovering was less effective, I’d learned to recognize and avoid flying monkeys, and I knew from experience that the person he pretended to be when trying to get me back was not the real him. Maybe he wished it could be, but it was an unsustainable act and the nasty him always emerged once I was back there.

Like someone else said, the likelihood of being trauma bonded is very high at the moment. Also there will be aspects of the abuse that seem kind of normal at the moment. If you stay away and work through this (it’s almost like an addiction we have to break free of) things will start getting better. The Freedom Program really does help lots of ladies with all this. I’m one of them. Women’s Aid were a great help too, as they understand what you’re going through.

I also lost a few friends, and definitely infuriated others with my going back. I think they’re so relieved when we get out that us going back is their worst nightmare. And often we struggle to understand why we can feel like we do ourselves after all.

Please do stay safe. Try making a list of ways that this man negatively impacted your life, and remember that none of those things will be different, no matter what he promises. In fact they tend to be worse fairly quickly.

Take care.
GR

[TrappedButterfly]

It really is like an addiction. I think this is my 4th attempt. The last time I got to being away this long I ended up going back. So I really hope I stay strong this time.

I have never heard of the Freedom Program so will definitely check that out.

Quite a few people have already said to me that they are starting to see the person I once was before I met him. So I totally get them being afraid of me going back.

I definitely need to keep reminding myself of the person he is and think back to the times I have gone back and how nothing changed.

Thank you so much for your reply xx

[Author]

Posts