Feeling so down

[Shazza]

Hi All,

I hope it’s ok to post here. I have posted a few times on the ‘is it abuse’ forum. I feel like i know now that it is abuse (though saying that, i change my mind daily and often end up blaming myself).
I cant do anything right at the moment. If i ask him anything this weekend he has literally ignored me or pretended not to hear me. The next minute he is in my face demanding that i speak to him, calling me horrible things and blaming all his unhappiness on me. I feel like i have to ask permission to do anything right now, even going for a shower seems to annoy him. He seems to think im being selfish if i jump in the shower or want to get some food etc. He constantly tells me that im selfish and that im a horrible person and it is really getting to me.
I feel so down all the time recently which im sure everyone here understands. I feel like i want to runaway from the situation and then the next minute feel totally trapped by circumstance. I have some numbers to call to get some advice but havent been brave enough to call them yet.
He has successfully made me feel like i am a rubbish human being and that i am the problem herr.
Sorry for going on, thank you for reading. Sending everyone here much love xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Shazza,

Sorry you are feeling like this, I remember those feelings well and it’s not a great way to feel.

Abusers do have good days. It doesn’t mean they are not abusive any more, it just means they are an abuser who is having a good day. Sometimes they are just having a good hour! We’re never good enough for them to be happy with us for long though, they always find something to complain about to bring us down. His behaviour is so typical of the abuser behaviour and the cycle of abuse. It’s not just us they’re unhappy with though, they are unhappy within themselves, they are negative people, they give out negative energy, they sap our energy, but they are also capable of putting on a performance for other people that they are ‘a nice guy’.

You now know it’s abuse though, you are right the first time in your post so don’t have any doubt about it from now at all and don’t change your mind.

The thing now is… what are you going to do with the knowledge you have learned?

Doing nothing at all means that this is your life for the rest of your life. No one can rescue you from him. No one can rescue anyone from abuse. We have to leave it.

At what stage we leave is individual to every single one of us. You may ask yourself “How CAN I leave when I’ve got nowhere to go?” for instance.

Please take the next step and call one of those numbers to speak to someone. The person who answers will know you are nervous, scared, unsure, hesitant. It’s not a ‘business like’ phone call. You’re not going to be judged if you don’t speak straight away, or if you get your words jumbled up because you’re so nervous, of if you start to cry. Many of the support line workers are ladies who were once in your shoes and know exactly what you feel like. Just dial the number and see how you are when someone answers. It may even be an answer phone asking you to leave a safe number and a safe time to call you back.

You are at a stage of gathering information and options. That could be enough for you this week, just knowing you have some options and how to achieve them. Just take one step at a time.

xx

[Shazza]

Thank you wants to help. You are absolutely right about them putting on a front to others. He does this even with people he tells me he doesnt like and they come away thinking hes wonderful.
It’s been another terrible day here and i just dont know how much more i can take of it.

I dont want this to be my life anymore, i want to get out. But im also terrified that i dont have any options and that i am trapped.

I’m gathering the courage to take the next step and call some numbers. Like you say, i need to gsther info and go from there x

[gettingtired]

Hey, sorry to hear you’re struggling. You’re not alone 💗 WTH is right, abusers do have good days and that’s a problem as it really helps in keeping us stuck. Have you listened to any videos by Dr Ramani on YouTube? I’d really recommend them for helping to understand trauma bonding, n**********c and toxic relationships etc. There are lots of excellent book recommendations on the forum too; Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft and Healing from Hidden abuse by Shannon Thomas to name a few.
Do keep posting and talking to others on the forum as it really helps in realising you’re not alone and that there are others out there who understand xx

[Shazza]

Thank you getting tired. No i havent listened to anything by Dr Ramani, but i will now- thank you. I definitely need to have a read of some of the book suggestions too. It def helps posting here as makes it feel less lonely x

[nbumblebee]

Hey, you really are not alone there are many of us that are in similar situations and really do understand how you feel. We got you now.
Finding courage to write on here takes alot and you did that so now next step is to call one of those numbers and get some advice.
You dont have to give your name or any details you dont want too and can just talk at first.
If it takes you 2 3 times so what? Just give it a go.
You sound so unhappy and life isnt good for you right now so reaching out can only make things better right? Read posts on here read books suggeated arm yourself with as much info as you can it will help you make sence of what is going on. Keep reaching out keep talking you are not alone x*x

[Shazza]

Nbumblebee thank you. This has made me feel less alone, it is such a supportive forum full of such strong women.
I will pluck up the courage to make some calls. I find it daunting though. I find that even thinking about it my mind goes blank and i have no idea what i would say. I dont know why that happens, so much bad stuff has taken place, but as soon as i think about making a call it’s as if my mind just goes completely blank. I dont know why. X

[nbumblebee]

Write it down before you call. Write everything you need and want to say down then read it to them. The people on the phone are used to it and will support you all the way one moment of bravery is all it takes and it could change your life give it a go if you cant do it the first time try again another day its ok. They will listen and understand. Good luck xxxx

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