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    • #33958
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since he discarded me. I should be keeping in mind that he has lied to me and manipulated me. I should realise that I’ve been so worn down because of the relationship I was in; it’s been like trying to please someone for whom nothing is good enough. I should remember being worried and afraid that he might be a sociopath.

      But I can’t right now. I’m romanticising him. Last night I discovered videos from our trips together. I watched them smiling and even laughing as though nothing has been, or is, wrong.

      I feel deeply lonely, I’ve completely lost myself. I feel like I’ve been sucked up through a straw. His family don’t want to know. His friend won’t acknowledge my messages anymore. This really alarms me. I wish I could go to her and talk to her. We were talking fine, I don’t understand it.

      I feel like everything I do is wrong and drives people away. This is one of my biggest fears. I spoke to him at length about it before, and it’s like this whole time maybe I’ve been responsible for pushing him away. Maybe I really am too flawed and weird of a person to be with even as a friend, and he’ll be better away from me.

      It’s like there’s an anchor in my chest, I feel so heavy and tired with everything. I want to get very far away.

      I’m even too exhausted to analyse him as a person, his behaviour and his words. I’m tired of trying to figure out whether he’s really a sociopath and has been emotionally / mentally abusive. It’s easier in the end to believe it’s inherently my fault that I am in this situation.

      Last year I frightened myself by flirting with a guy from work, I was so lost and lonely and my partner was neglectful. I spoke to my counsellor about this and she said I was looking for “positive strokes”. I still feel like a bad person for this even though nothing happened.

      When I tried expressing affection to my partner a couple of months ago he joked that I was “thirsty”. I asked him if he really meant it and he said that I was. I’m just desperate I suppose?

      I noticed that my dad put some money into my account for xmas. When I saw this I burst out crying. I haven’t seen my dad in years, him and my mum had a messy and traumatic split, and I often feel that fears of abandonment stem from this.

      I just feel like a shell walking around, I have nothing left inside.

    • #33965
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hey HUn

      Sorry to hear u feeling low, have u consider taking cousnelling to discuss your feelings, please focus on why u left this guy, he clearly manuiplated you and made u doubt yourself, remember u deserve to be treated with respect, maybe your in denial , i think u need to process your feelings, have u any friends or family that could support u, or just talk to us ladies on here, i think we offer the best support as we have experienced it.

      • #33993
        phantasmagorical
        Participant

        Hey. I’m in counselling but I have mixed feelings about how I’m getting along with it. My mind has been all over the place. I had packed up all my things to move over and be with him, then the night before his dad called me to say he’s been lying about X, Y, Z. We haven’t had any contact since. I’m so hurt and confused at everything he’s done.

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