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    • #29436
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      I’m sorry, I know I should be supporting others but I’m just feeling utterly lost. I look at these posts and think how unfair it is that wonderful women are having to put up with this stuff. My little girl is having a hard time with a vile little bully and I didn’t want to leave her at school today. She’s such a happy little thing around me and her big brothers but the dynamics of nasty people at school are really difficult for her to navigate. She had a good cry this morning and a cuddle and we talked about ways to cope with unpleasant people but I want to wrap us all in a bubble and stop the world ever getting in. I feel like I’m out of control again emotionally. I feel like maybe it’s my mental health that’s the real problem. I know I’m premenstrual which at the best of times makes me anxious but I feel today like it’s just out of control. When I’m at work I cope, I have no choice to focus, although people are telling me I don’t look well. I’m struggling to eat again. I have very very little support. My few friends are busy with their husbands and families. The rest of my friends I have lost as they believed my ex when he told everyone I was nuts and he was trying to help me because he loved me. This included a daily constant belittling and questioning of my every move and motive. He has been “getting help” what’s been lovely and seemed to be taking the problems seriously but last week he started again. Blaming for things I hadn’t done and not listening when I said it was lies. I’ve distanced myself again but it’s very hard. My mother and sister were horrible to me because I “dared to breath the same air as him” and accused me of being a dreadful mother. I have also asked them to stop dictating to me and as a result I have lost them. Although things were strained and they were hyper critical and affecting my relationship with my kids being without them, knowing I have literally no support out there is so frightening and overwhelming. I’m not feeling well physically as I’m struggling to sleep or eat and I’m in a constant state of hyper vigilance. I’m worse when I’m on my own and that’s every day I’m not at work. I can’t see a way through this. I want to but I can’t just now. I feel weak and pathetic and incapable of happiness like I’m broken. Both my mother and my ex husband both told me I’m incapable of happiness which is horrible, because I objected to things that made me unhappy. Now I just feel like maybe they are right? Maybe I self sabotage and everyone has problems in their relationship but my reactions are just too extreme? I seem to despair a lot just now. I feel like I’m spiralling diwn a whole. I even woke up from a nightmare last night were my car went down a massive hole I couldn’t see until it was too late and I couldn’t get out. I just kept panicking about people thinking I’m totally inadequate because I drive myself there and it was stupid and I couldn’t get out. I don’t know how to get my head in another place. The day to day stuff is overwhelming me and while I appear cheerful around the kids I’m falling deeper inside. X*x

    • #29438
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Hi ENF

      It’s normal for you to feel this way, particularly as you are still in contact with him and you have to get the house sold that you own jointly with him. As your name say you are still not fully free from him.

      I remember childcare being an issue but I think that you should try really hard to attend a women’s support group or the Freedom Programme. Freedom programmes often have creches. You can also try to get a specialised DV/DA counsellor from an abuse organisation/charity.

      In the meantime you can call the helpline to talk about what is going on in your head.

      Don’t pressure yourself. Just do the bare minimim to survive and try to distract yourself from the negative thoughts.

      Still early days for you as you still haven’t fully extricated yourself from his influence.

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