Feeling so low and confused

[timeteam]

Hi, I have just hit a brick wall today. I have been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) and it has always been turbulent but there was always such a good side to us to. We have never lived together and I have 3 now grown up children. Over the last (detail removed by moderator) things have just deteriorated and I have become so isolated. He now questions everything, criticises what I wear, why do I wear this or that to work, my music choices, my decisions, things have got physical in the past, he has a really bad temper, shoving to the floor, screaming in my face etc but never a direct punch or anything. The last few months have got worse and we argue constantly, last week as I wanted to pick my daughter up from the train station and even that provoked verbal abuse. His view of women is completely different to mine, his view of what a man is also, l have shut down contact over the last week but suffer from anxiety and the lack of contact is fuelling to the point I can’t eat, sleep etc. Last night was another huge argument as he rang me, I actually feel dead inside, exhausted and mentally in anguish as despite all of this I still miss him, nothing has been finalised so life is in limbo and my anxiety spirals. I am just sat here not knowing how to release myself from this toxic circle. It’s like mentally I am scared not to be in this as I don’t know what I’d do without it.

If anyone can give me some clarity I would massively appreciate it. x

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. You are also gripped by the FOG of abuse. The Fear the Obligation and the Guilt. You don’t really miss him. You miss the good him that comes out to keep you hooked into the relationship. Breaking free is like breaking a drug habit. The only way I could do it was total no contact. No contact means no mind games. I know it brings huge anxiety but if you can give it time, the anxiety gets less and less. I promise x text him not to contact you and to give you space. If he continues then you may need to consider involving the police. Ring the helpline on here too x

[SunshineRainflower]

I second everything KIP says. Initially we crave and miss them despite knowing they are like toxic poison. It is basically like an addiction, the abuse creates an addiction in us through the intermittent reinforcement they use. It’s like being addicted to heroin, we have to go cold turkey and it hurts immensely at first but as the poison drains from our body we start to see them more clearly and grow in strength as we recover. It takes time. I felt the same as you, missed him terribly and felt like I craved him so badly at first, but I knew that I was not safe with him and had to honour my gut feeling and honour my life. All abusers also have that ‘good side’ as they use that to reel us in. My ex appeared to be the perfect boyfriend and I felt so incredibly lucky at first. Sadly this is part of the cycle of abuse, they know we would never get involved or stay if they were always abusive to us. It keeps us confused and bonded to them.

Shoving you and screaming in your face is already physical abuse, hitting is only one type of physical abuse. It sounds like he has worn you down after years of being abusive to you. Give the helpline a call and tell them what’s been happening, they can help you talk through options. It feels scary at first but if you decide to go it alone you will survive and thrive, he has just convinced you that you need him which is what they all tend to do.

[timeteam]

I can’t believe it, that is it to a tee, researching trauma bonding now, thank you so much xx

[timeteam]

Thank you so much for your replies, I just felt like I was going mad in a never ending circle of pain at least I can try to understand it all now, and knowledge is power, thanks again xx

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