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    • #51256
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Hi feeling so stressed out and confused right now. Feel like I’m going crazy. I tried to do all this planning and getting ready to leave whilst losing weight and cutting down my smoking, looking for cheap place to rent and working extra hours at work. I’d told him in (detail removed by moderator) that I wasn’t happy and if he didn’t stop lying and controlling me, I would leave. I paid for some counselling sessions privately (didn’t want him to know because he uses things like that against me). My counsellor was worried about me and kept mentioning abuse so I came home and started searching online. I knew there had been couple of violent incidents early on, involving drink, and that he was very controlling, he controlled all the financial side and kept me out. I opened my own bank account so I could control my own money and save just before I told him incase he took my card off me etc
      Anyway putting the label Abuse on it knocked me for 6. It makes no sense I know, it makes no difference it’s just a word, it doesn’t change what happened, but I suddenly felt my whole adult life was a lie. I’d tried so hard to make it work, forgive and forget the bad things and focus on the good and making a happy home, suffered badly with depression, stress, anxiety and insomnia, but kept fighting on and working and trying to keep the peace, protecting our sons as much as I could etc only to find out he probably never loved me at all, I was just so easy to manipulate.
      Now I made mistakes in work with all the pressure of trying to soldier on and keep it all in (hence the private counselling). I’m on my final warning, one more mistake and I’ve lost my job. My GP put me off work and gave me diazepam and told me to go to my mums and rest. I’ve always been told to rest before, but I can’t when I’m stressed. I just need to stay away from work and responsibilities, but throw myself into something hobbies or decorating, cleaning or something. I told her this when I saw her again hoping she wouldn’t be angry I hadn’t left, explained I’ve had some legal advice at WA, made appointment to see lawyer and start divorce process etc and that my mum is (age removed by moderator) and has high blood pressure and I don’t want her involved. My GP gave me another sick note but says I need to go back to work asap.
      One minute she’s making me panic that I have to leave immediately, next visit she says I need work and normality, get back on the horse! I don’t feel at all ready for work, I struggle to stay focused, my minds all over the place and I have panic attacks every time I have to speak to someone even on the phone. He’s been home a lot with holidays and insists on driving me everywhere, doesn’t help much (detail removed by moderator) but has been doing a few chores (detail removed by moderator). Home life is quite good for us annoying that he’s shirking and making excuses why he can’t do much to help. Always finding reason to go out, but that’s normal.
      I know I have to face going back to work soon, but I’ve lost my slot with counsellor and can’t see her again until (month removed by moderator) months to wait for free counsellor, need to sort out divorce, housing and financial support etc
      I feel like GP is pressing me to go back before I’m ready and will end up losing my job which would be a disaster. I’m not a confident person and the thought of having to apply for a job with interviews and rejection… I just can’t face all this. Just want to curl up into a ball and hibernate. I feel pathetic and hopeless, thinking he’s right and I can’t survive without him.
      Sitting here crying, not sure if it’s the pain doing too much, feeling low, weather, worrying about work or what but I feel like someone’s unplugged me
      My counsellor says I’ve been suffering his abuse all my adult life and it will take time to undo, to build my confidence up and believe in myself, my judgment etc. I was doing so well all year, getting fitter, stronger, working more hours, starting to tell people, getting support. But now everything is just falling apart, me included. I’m sorry for going on,but I feel like there’s only you ladies and the lovely ladies on the helpline I can turn to. Am I just giving up because I’m feeling low and stressed? Would I be better off at work distracting myself as my GP says. She seems a very strong no nonsense woman and I don’t think she understands how totally exhausted and crushed I feel atm. Or am I just making excuses? Any advice would be nice. I honestly don’t know what to do for the best

    • #51257
      duvetday
      Participant

      hey Freedomfighter,
      don’t really have advice, just wanted to say i’m sorry you’re feeling this way and struggling so much. Sounds like you have so much to deal with, it’s no wonder you feel like that… hope things start to feel a little easier soon. I know it’s so horrible that feeling of everything falling apart…i know it’s easier said than done but maybe focus just on today if all the future stuff is too overwhelming x

    • #51258
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Thanks for replying Duvetday, that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Baby steps, one day at a time. Sometimes I feel okay, seeing the house getting better and the sense of accomplishment etc and it calms me, gives my brain a rest from the stress.
      Then he’s playing his games promising me help but just makes a big fuss and drama about not being able to find things he needs then disappears for hours to buy one or two things. I start thinking why do I bother? Why am I doing this, I’m leaving in a couple of months? I tell myself I’m doing it for me and to add value to the house, make it more pleasant to live in now and more presentable when they value it. In the meantime I’m plucking up the courage to continue on with my plans, phoning people, meeting them, telling my story over and over to complete strangers (all of which I find terrifying I’m afraid he’ll find out and everything will blow up). I’m a very shy person and lack confidence, going to new places, meeting new people and telling the secrets I’ve kept quiet for decades is all very nerve racking in itself. Then I’m also terrified someone will decide I’m at risk and involve the police. I thought I was doing okay with the support of the helpline and you ladies, but I just get dark days like this when I’m not sure if it’s worth all the stress, especially when my GP is not listening to me and telling me I should go back to work asap. I don’t know whether to trust my gut and just see a different GP or stand up for myself with her and say I’m not ready. She doesn’t strike me as someone who would take kindly to that. I find her rather scary which doesn’t help.
      Just good to talk, not just going over and over same ground with no answers. But my gut tells me that what you said taking one day at a time and ignoring the bigger picture and work for now is the way forward. Just wondering if I’m being cowardly and pathetic like he says which wasn’t helping. Thanks for your support

      • #51343
        duvetday
        Participant

        Hi Freedomfighter,
        It’s understandable that you feel overwhelmed at times and feel scared etc. It’s a really big thing to leave but it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I think if your gut feeling is to see a different doctor, then maybe if you can handle it, book to see another one? Since your gp is one of your sources of support at the moment you want to feel safe and comforted when you see them. You can always go back to your other doctor if it doesn’t work out with a new one. Take care x

    • #51311
      Greyskydarkdays
      Participant

      I think as women we tend to shrink away and shrivel up, I too am scared of the real world, and all the potential problems I might face, but as someone said to me today (I’m not useless) imagine freedom, loving yourself, doing what you love, being at peace with ur head and heart, it’s scary outside especially when u feel so low, but we can do this, we have to take control of our life’s in order to break the control of there’s, it’s gonna be a long road but stay strong I believe in you, you got this. Rainbows and unicorns 😊

    • #51332
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Thank you Gretzky, you have no idea how much that means to me right now.
      Trying so hard to be positive and strong for my son’s sake as well as mine. Finding this so hard. Not sure I’d actually keep going if it was just me. Been trying to leave for so long, I get so far, psych myself up then start doing research into how to do it and blam! It all seems so impossible, so many hurdles
      On my good days I’m sure I can do it, but times like this…. I’m so full of doubts and worries I just keep bursting into tears. I have an appointment to see solicitor on Monday, I’m just so afraid he’s going to tell me I can’t get a quick divorce and it’ll take years. That’s what’s stopped me from leaving for over a decade. I’ve been advised that I will be able to without involving the police, but I can’t stop worrying that something will go wrong. Keep trying to be positive, but so worried something will happen and we’ll be stuck here. I’m afraid you’re one of only a few who believe I can and will succeed – my mum, son and a friend who said if she can do it, so can I. Just going through a bad patch, remembering all my previous attempts I guess. If at first you don’t succeed, try again!
      Thanks

    • #51335
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there, years ago I had to give up work because of his abuse. This was his goal. To have me at home as his slave. Where he knew where I was. I didn’t understand at the time and kept blaming myself for my mental illness. Of course he blamed me too and the abuse continued. I lost a good job that made me happy. Looking back I can see how jealous and insecure he was and how he hated when I would be happy and tell stories of friends at work. He sucked the life and soul from me. Killed something inside. This went on for decades. I became too scared to leave the house. Terrified of being in the house but just not knowing why. Him him him. Please find the strength to leave (safely) before you lose the years and the mental health I lost. He is the cause of your mental health problems. For years the docs treated the symptoms with medication but never the cause. My headspace became smaller and smaller till I couldn’t get past the first chapter of a book. Work was impossible. This is because all our headspace is taken up trying to stay safe. Never give up. You deserve better x

    • #51347
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Thanks Kip, sounds like we’re twins. I had a good job I enjoyed with lots of friends. For years I struggled with my mental health issues and yes looking back all down to him. Stress got so bad I kept having to take time off, more meds more counselling, then forced myself back to work, doing everything at home, majority of child care etc
      Each time I became weaker and less confident until I was too afraid of making mistakes at work and decided to retrain and pursue a less stressful career. I was doing fine, but then he took redundancy saying he wanted a chance to be his own boss and since I’d quit my job and was having my second chance, so he deserved a chance. Tried discussing timing etc but he just screamed in my face about being a backstabbing b***h etc and I backed down said I’d quit my degree course, but he told me not to be stupid and dramatic. He had his own way tried to start several businesses, all failed. Of course he blamed me for my lack of support, but I was busy trying to get my own new career started and was doing okay working (detail removed by Moderator) hours a week with three jobs and running house sleeping just a couple of hours a night. He told me all the money was gone and I needed to give up my own business and get a job with regular income and he would too. I took on part time work in (detail removed by Moderator) but tried to continue on with my business. I had to travel with my business and he said that was what was killing us. I had to stop we were (detail removed by Moderator) in debt. I felt so guilty and like him blamed myself. I quit my business and worked full time at the (detail removed by Moderator). Everyone told me I was wasted there and could do so much better, but they just made me feel more guilty, more of a failure. My mental health plummeted. I stayed there (detail removed by Moderator) years but my arthritis was so bad I cut my hours back bit by bit until I had to quit. I tried to revive my business, but just didn’t have the confidence. Started (detail removed by Moderator), then joined the unemployed. With huge amounts of effort and support I managed to get a job as (detail removed by Moderator) in community and have started trying to claw back a little confidence and self respect and trying to leave again. I’ve never been a quitter, always dragging myself back up off the floor. I’m just so weary and with the constant pain plus all the worries and having to tell all these strangers, but hardest of all is asking for help and handouts when I’ve prided myself on coping with my own mess of a life. I went against everyone’s advice and married him, my problem, up to me to solve it/ cope. Realising that I can’t just knocks what little bit of self respect I had. I know that’s a stupid way of looking at it. I’m not superwoman, everyone needs help from time to time. Just feels like I’ve gone from being a quietly strong, independent woman to a total quivering wreck. I know that’s his fault. My counsellor kept telling me it wasn’t my fault and stop being so hard on myself. She said with support I can be that woman again. I believe it for a while, then hit another problem and realise just how bad I’ve let things get and crumble. Hearing your stories and having everyone’s support is so very helpful. I can’t thank you all enough.
      No more tears! I have work to do and need to pull myself together. I CAN do this! I have to. Thanks God bless you all for your kind words of support and advice and for sharing xx

    • #51349
      Greyskydarkdays
      Participant

      The thing is this is what they want and more to the point what they feed off, I gave up my job first job I’d had in a long time it only lasted a few weeks, I finally thought I was finding my feet, but he just kept putting obstacles in my way, I feel like I could just scream at him to get out of MY house, but that only leaves me vonrable, I wish I’d have found other child care even tho it would cost my wages just so I had something for me, something to go to, some outside normality, to be stuck here is the worse, I resent him, I love him, but I like you and everybody else on here going threw this need to love themselves, we are strong and we are enough, it starts with a job, but what comes after is ur belief that u can do this, ur strength that you can make it on ur own, ur power to keep pushing yourself, I e spent so long walking with my head down I don’t want to be her anymore, I want to be me. Strength in numbers and we are all here for u when u feel like u can’t do it, to lift u up and help keep you moving forwar 😊

    • #51359
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Thanks Greysky, it really helps to know that.
      I know I can’t just do nothing, I know I can’t carry on like this, I need to keep moving forward, it’s scary, overwhelmingly so sometimes. Been thinking about it all while I cleaned, cooked and decorated today. I was doing well, feeling stronger and determined and making good progress. I had a 3 year plan and was well ahead of my plans, the first major setback was realising it was abuse. Second was mistakes at work pushing myself too hard trying to save harder, work faster, trying to accelerate my plans because everyone was telling me I should. I started to panic, made more mistakes and then totally crumbled when I got my final warning.
      I’m panicking again because my GP wants me back to work
      Without the fear of losing my job, maybe she might be right.
      Today I started in tears and needed support. Curled up on the sofa texting and so, so grateful you all replied, giving me support and encouragement. You boosted my morale and I started plodding on again doing my daily rituals.
      I know I want my freedom, but I remembered worrying about rushing into this and not being prepared and falling and having to come back and being terrified of that. I’m thinking maybe all this pressure to speed things up combined with trying to deal with all these extra problems and pressures is behind my current low.
      I started thinking about going back to a slower approach and giving myself time to find all the information I feel I need, feel prepared, time to adjust emotionally, building my confidence and telling myself I know what I need, I’ve been here before. Actually, not quite this far. I’m actually further along than I’ve ever been before, scary but also brilliant really. I feel calmer. I feel scared yes, but as someone mentioned that’s normal. I’m pretty sure that if I can just keep taking time to breathe and slowly, quietly move forward at my own speed I can do this. I just need to be strong enough to listen to my gut. I’ve been listening, but worrying that I was being cowardly and delaying because I’m afraid I can’t cope like he’s always telling me. I’m pretty sure I can, I just need to do it my way in my time when I’m feeling stronger. My GP thinks I’ll never feel like that living with him, but logically I was living with him all year and felt stronger, physically and mentally stronger than I’ve done in years and very determined I was doing the right thing, and I could do this. Maybe I am crazy, but I know what I’m dealing with here. Yes it threw me and freaked me out about the abuse, but logically I was starting to deal with those feelings with my counsellor, it was pressure from work that started all this crying and feeling so stressed out about everything. On top of that came everyone advising me to leave quickly. I doubted myself, thought perhaps I was wrong and doubted all my instincts. I felt swamped, confused so full of doubts I couldn’t think straight. I want to feel calm again. I can’t make good decision in a panic. It makes sense to me to go slowly and steadily and get there safely and with my sanity still intact

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