Feeling stupid and helpless

[Apples]

I am at the end of my tether and this week I have gone from low mood to an even lower mood and I am losing the ability to go on.
I have got myself into the most stupid situation and it’s not the first time – that’s why I feel stupid.
He has punched me a couple of times in a long marriage and as a result he has a restraining order of several years banning him from seeing me.
However stupid me was persuaded to move back with him and the situation had become toxic over a couple of years. He is back to lying, inappropriate behaviour, being snappy and unsupportive with the kids, squirrelling his own money away so I have to spend all of mine on kids clothing and education etc.
Our kids disrespect him, he rarely helps in the house and shows no interest in anything we do as a family.
He resents my career ( which I love ) and complains relentlessly about having to go out to work himself, despite I work more hours than him.
He resents me – didn’t buy any Xmas presents for anyone, just begrudgingly gave me money after much persuasion.
Today we went out together – he constantly teased’ me but it felt more like resentment and it was relentless.
I want him gone – our kids want him gone. We live in a rented house with both names in the tenancy agreement.
I know if I ask him to leave he will refuse and say I should but I don’t want my kids to have to move schools and we are happy here plus I can afford the rent alone (just).
I just don’t have the backbone to do it plus I hate myself for being so soft and feeling sorry for him. I fall into a pattern of when he is nice, all is forgiven; when he is nasty I am full of hate.
I have even asked my older kids ( to whom I am v close) if I am the one who is abusing him. I don’t know what is real any more.

All I can see is I am getting more stressed with my job and kids off school and living with this person. I don’t want to be in this trap any more.
Social services are aware of him being in the home as are, apparently the police but because I told them every thing is ok, they have left us alone.
But everything is not ok and I can’t stop crying. I just want him gone and never to see him again.
Thank you if you read this.

[Hetty]

Ah I’m so sorry this is happening. I know all too well the swinging from all is forgiven to being full of hate. I used to pray that my ex would be killed in some horrific accident on his way to work and think how all my problems would be sorted. That sounds so awful but the way my child and I were treated made me hate him so much.
Is there anyway you can reach out to children’s social care and advise them that things are not ok and/or speak to your local domestic abuse service? There will be ways to get him out and more women on here will have advice about that. Keep a journal of everything that’s happening. You just stay strong with this and not stop or give up when mr nice comes along. Know this is part of the cycle of abuse. Educate yourself as much as you can about domestic abuse. I know you have lived experience but reading about the cycle etc keeps us in reality and out of the fantasy that this time will be better, they’ll change etc. They never change.
There might be a way you could move and keep the children in the same school. Consider every option. I worried for years about uprooting my son as I wasn’t getting my ex out of our house. In the end I was able to make it work for him to stay in the same school until the natural time for him to change schools. At the end of the day happy mum = happy kids. All my son was really bothered about was getting the internet on and now that’s sorted he’s just glad to be living in a safe, happy and calm house. We are our children’s home xx

[Lisa]

Hello there Apples,

Thank you for sharing this with us, I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling. You are doing the right thing by opening up and talking about how you are feeling. It is good that you have come back here to get some support from others who understand. Please don’t feel stupid, there is no need for you to feel that way.

It is understandable that this might feel overwhelming at the moment. Only you can decide what is right for you, but it sounds as though you are very clear that you do not want to live with him any longer. You and your children deserve to be safe and happy. This will always be the most important thing. Do talk to social services again if you can, do try and be honest about what has been happening, so that they can help you.

Are you engaging with any other support at the moment? If not, you can find the details for your local domestic abuse service here

Do remember you can also talk things through and seek some support through the Women’s Aid Live chat

Best wishes

Lisa

[Empoweredhealing]

Just wanted to add my voice of support. As Lisa suggested, start by talking to WA and accessing services that can guide you. You don’t have to do this alone. In fact, rarely can any of us do this journey alone.

Also, you’ll need lots of mental health support if/when you are out of this relationship. Otherwise, it’ll be very easy to fall back into the same pattern. Most of us have been tempted to or did go back. But many of us have escaped and are thriving. Talking to people who will understand is a really good first step.

[KIP.]

Please reach out. You’re frozen with fear and exhausted by the abuse so you need someone to do this for you. These men fall on their feet and he’s not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to you and your children. There are court orders to have him removed and the police can also remove him. If you have a contact at social services please let them know how you feel. Copy and paste this post to them. He’s had chance after chance. I used to call mine (detail removed by moderator). They play with our minds x

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