Feeling unsure needing support/advice

[anna]

So I get another massive hoover ( expensive gift in the post) from my abusive mum which she bullied my brother who is scared of her to help pay for.

Anyhow I decided that I must stop telling my husband and in laws about it. Because I get scared I tell my husband and we end up discussing it he then gets angry and upset she is violating my boundaries and wants an injunction. I feel this would make her worse as in my opinion she has the capability to get physical. . She and dad previously, before this latest hoover gift, came over, and when husband opened the door Dad tried to force the door then when i was able to hold the door They then went and started revving the engine of their car outside the house so i understand why in laws are alarmed. So my attitude is that it is better to get the odd bit of abuse and not respond in any way and avoid opening them. ( I got caught out with the gift thinking it was from someone else) one nice supportive relative would beable to help me in a practical way with an injunction but they dont really understand psychcology and this would potentially make my mum worse.
So while this is my decision I have to stand by my own instincts and not inform them.
I realise I was being selfish as basically i am informing them about stuff they can do nothing about. My husbands mental health has deteriorated badly and he has quite bad OCD symptoms.
I cant do anything if they come by when husband is there apart from not get caught out again by answering the door. And ringing the police not that i feel they could do much to help. But i can do damage limitation in regard to things in the post and look after my husband by not telling him.
We did discuss putting cctv cameras in but im not sure what the laws are around that and whether that would make our anxiety worse. We decided at the moment not to. Also we have good relations with our neighbours and im not sure how they would feel about cameras would they think we were mad? Obviously I understand to respect neighbours privacy and not have cameras on there gardens or anything but they may get concerned about privacy issues.
I am also not sure what to do about my brother getting involved with sending me things. He knew what he had done was wrong as he sent a 3rd party message to me behind our parents back saying he did not want to get involved and didnt know what was going on with me and our parents. ( of course he knows as he is abused too) basically he knew what was happening was abusive and he obviously panicked how i would react once i got this gift.
With my one sibling who is in a relationship with my parents I will no longer send any cards or things as they have stopped sending to me so its pretty clear cut. And another sibling im still in greeting card contact but blocked them on email and phone as they was being abusive in a passive aggressive gaslighting way. And that is working ok to. im no longer triggered by their cards and as long as they dont send me something abusive in the post that arrangement suits me fine. I would not meet up with them at all and have no issue with saying that if that was needed.
With my brother I can decide not to send any cards letting him know i dont tolerate that but as his proxy abuse was directly through my mum it would be totally apparant that what she did upset me. And as my brothers contact to me doesnt frighten me in anyway just exasperates me my instinct is just send cards to him as normal and act totally cool like it never affected me.
I did this when my mum sent one of my other siblings directly to my house. I was calm, collected and friendly and never mentioned my parents and my sibling and parents was totally flummoxed by this and they have not done it again.
So with my parents they will always do stuff but i think me being as non reactive and calm as possible im working on stabilising and neutrilising as much as possible. Where my inlaws and husband are more along the lines of engage in combat.
I guess im asking is this wise and sensible or am i being totally dumb as they did do very obvious stalking behaviour ( though i was not surprised by that only by how long it took for them to take forceful approach) followed by gift admittedly with quite a gap of time between. And my inlaw who is very bright has said twice she is concerned for my physical safety and I value her feedback as she is not a flighty alarmed person Thanks for any feedback given

[lover of no contact]

Your mum wants a reaction from you. You are right not to give it to her. It will only escalate things. Your mum will keep prodding and prodding but if you can resist her, eventually she will have to go elsewhere to get her ‘fuel’. If you ‘react’ to any ‘off the wall’ behaviour she will love it. Drama strengthens her and will weaken you. Abusers keep on and on thinking we will crumble and react to them. We have to send a strong message that we can resist their persistence. I think your gut of not escalating things is right in my experience (btw I have an abusive mum too and have had to go No Contact).

Gavin de Becker has a very good book called the Gift of Fear and in it is a very good chapter called ;Persistence, persistence, persistence’. He says everytime we react or engage with the pursuer its like adding fuel to the fire. No contact is best because then the abusers will have to go elsewhere to get their kicks from some other person’s upset.

Keep posting and reading the posts for strength and knowledge on dealing with family members/intimate partner’s intimidating and threatening behaviour.

Knowledge is Power.

[anna]

Thanks so much for your reply. I think you are right about my mum wanting a reaction. On one level i think her sending me stuff is actually more about proving to family that her smear campaign about me is true. Rather than getting me back into a relationship. Though if she could get me back and abuse me that would be the icing on the cake!
I think its an exercise in image and status damage control!
Its been enough of a length of time for my mum now to realise I might actually mean what i say about not seeing her ( At the beginning she indicated by her reaction that she thought i was just trying to argue with her)
and now she thinks oh if anna goes it might encourage the others to go so i better say she is bad.( i have a diagnosis of mental health issues but since leaving mum i am no longer in secondary mental health care and being taken off all meds) as funnily enough!!! i dont feel depressed or suicidal anymore! theres a surprise not!!!!but she has been saying anna is depressed blah, blah, but when my siblings see me well and happy and reacting totally normally her words ring hollow. So i know mum thinks i will send stuff to Anna to poke to see if she gets aggressive or angry thereby proving with evidence to the family of how its my fault!
My brother for a bit tried lowering contact with her hence why she and dad came to the house so in reality i think she would only be a real problem to me if one of the other siblings leave her. Judging by their reaction to my brother trying to assert himself . But theres no point getting worried about a future event that may but probably will not happen .
Thanks for your support.

[Author]

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