10th November 2023 at 4:45 pm #163069
Sorry, this is a long post…
I’ve been feeling very very low today. I have not been sleeping well, maybe 3 hours a night if I’m lucky, not all at once, I wake up then spend hours trying to get back to sleep, sleep for another hour or so and on and on until I force myself to get out of bed. I feel exhausted. I feel hopeless, like my life will never be OK again. Before I met him I had a nice house thatvi rented from the council (so affordable!), I had friends who I saw when I wanted to, I was doing good in my career, I felt good and confident and happy.
I gave up all that for him and when I left I lost everything all over again. I’m homeless, jobless, an emotional wreck. I forced myself to go for a dog walk with (removed by moderator) today, but I didn’t feel good. I also know he is playing the victim and blaming me, it’s my fault because I left. He’s going around saying how hard this is for him and how he’s proud of himself for being so resilient. He won’t get it out of his head that I’m trying to “screw him over” when all I want is to get my life back. It’s just not in my nature to ‘screw people over’, I just don’t do that sort of thing. I’m a genuinely nice person who has been trampled on too many times. I fell hurt and sad, but I’m not bitter or spiteful. It’s like everything he is doing is being twisted around as though it’s me doing it. But my mind doesn’t work the same way his does. I guess he can’t see that, he just thinks everyone thinks the same way he does.
I’ve been in contact with local DA service, they were useless, i told them I need emotional support, they ignored me. I have been referred to a victim support service, who emailed me once and I replied saying yes please help me! But I haven’t heard anything back from them either. I feel forgotten.
10th November 2023 at 8:04 pm #163076tryingtosleepParticipant
So sorry to read your post. It sounds like you have been through such a lot. Sometimes we all feel like this – and it’s very hard to sleep when there is so much going on in your brain.
Is there any point in listening to anything he says? His accusations of you ‘screwing him over’, just sound like more abuse – do you really have to listen to this?!
And there is light at the end of the tunnel. You have already made the huge step of leaving your partner and his abuse. Have you thought about seeing your GP and seeing if you can get counselling through them? Also – if you are not working – is there a chance that you could do some voluntary work? I’ve always found that keeping busy has been the best way of keeping going.
Take care – lots of love x
10th November 2023 at 9:23 pm #163081LisaMain Moderator
I’m sorry to hear how you are struggling. You have made all the efforts to leave, now you are left with having to navigate new concerns.
Understandably you are feeling low and ‘forgotten’, especially if you approached the very services that are meant to be helping right now. Perhaps try and have a chat with a support worker on the Women’s Aid Live Chat service, and let them know how unsupported you have been since leaving. Explain what service you approached and they may be able to find an alternative one for you to engage with. They may be able to advise further with any other concerns you may have right now around housing and finances, for example.
You may want to try contacting Supportline, who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.
The counselling directory is a website that lists counsellors that are listed with recognised professional bodies or those who have sent in copies of their qualifications and insurance cover. If you’re in need of support, you can search their website to be connected with a professional counsellor or psychotherapist.
You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.
I hope this is helpful to you. Please keep posting here to let is know how you are. It’s important you are heard and receive the support you need to start a life new, without abuse. You have come so far.
11th November 2023 at 11:04 am #163096
Alonewolf contact the the support team on here. I spoke to them yesterday for along time and they were amazing!! I’m on my 5 night of no sleep. Like urself alone I’ve walked away with nothing,no job no home,no finances. Im also getting all the blame txts aswell. None of our friends have been in contact as they have sided with him. It’s horrible however. Sending u all my love 💓 xx
11th November 2023 at 5:36 pm #163105swanlakeParticipant
Thinking of you. Sleepless nights are no fun. I’ve been prescribed antidepressants to help with sleeping as well as generally feeling stressed.
I’m not currently able to work full time because of my mental health. I just ground to a halt. But it’s good to take some time for me and do something that I enjoy every day.
11th November 2023 at 11:56 pm #163123
Swanland I’m in the docs on (detail removed by Moderator). Think I do need help!! I’m open to any help or advice from the doctors!! I thought I was strong enough to do this alone!! But I realise after (detail removed by Moderator)yrs I’m just a mess. The way I’m looking at it at the moment is.. it can’t be any worse than what I’ve been putting up with. I’m left with nothing material but I’m alive.xxxxxx
12th November 2023 at 1:00 am #163124UpthathillParticipant
I’m sorry you’re going through this and am sending you well wishes. It’s maddening to be blamed and made out to be the abuser, on top of everything else! But, just know it isn’t true. As others have pointed, there are other lines of support so do keep knocking doors – someone will help. And you’re never alone with us here xx
P.S I’m not sure you got my message thanking you for replying to my first post about reporting my ex to the police. I’m still struggling myself, but your words meant a lot!
12th November 2023 at 12:13 pm #163126
I don’t think I saw your message about that, sorry. But you are welcome. I’m glad I was able to help a little x
12th November 2023 at 8:04 am #163125browneyedmumParticipant
The second thing I did after contacting domestic abuse support services was marching straight to my GPs to get on some anti-anxiety medication, which has been invaluable.
I’m also not a great sleeper, but what helps me is having a ‘bedtime routine’ loaded with self care. I’ve been teaching our children how to do this as well and they’ve been sleeping more soundly. Get a diffuser if you can. Pick out some nice sleepy-time herbal teas. Have some nice lotion next to you and maybe even a pillow spray. Look for a sleepy time podcast to drift off to. Play the podcast again if you wake in the middle of the night so you can get the rest that you need.
Also, I’ve been going to bed a bit earlier. Its darker out earlier anyways. I can usually get a good 5-6 hour stint, rouse, doze off again and manage 7-8 hours. Added bonus, I avoid him since he tends to like to kick off in the evenings.
12th November 2023 at 12:21 pm #163127
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I am on the highest dose of antidepressants and have been referred to an organisation that I hope will contact me next week and get me some counselling. I have an appointment with a solicitor next week. I have changed my phone number so he cannot contact me. I’m on the housing list and making bids. I feel sick every time I think of starting a new job, I feel sick every time I need to leave the house.
I feel like I’ve taken so many steps to try to start rebuilding my life, but I’m not getting anywhere. I feel like I’m running into a strong blizzard that’s just pushing me back. Everything is hopeless.
12th November 2023 at 2:53 pm #163129tryingtosleepParticipant
I’m so glad that you are starting to put things into place. It will take time – be kind to yourself.
I understand about the feeling sick – it all makes total sense. I have the same feelings each time that my ex has to have his phone calls with the kids. It’s all anxiety.
You have already run many miles. Just do things at your own speed in your own time. It will all come together in the end. Meanwhile take care, watch a film, just do small things for yourself. x*x
12th November 2023 at 9:23 pm #163135swanlakeParticipant
It’s so hard to make a new life and so anxiety provoking. I’m glad to be free but it feels overwhelming sometimes.
I’m grateful to be well enough now to work part time and I like to do something for me each day, even something free like a walk in nature. Most of my day is about self care apart from work.
I’ve also found my local domestic violence people not much use. I haven’t been able to get in touch with crime helplines either by phone or live chat.
I’ve been so unwell with anxiety so I really feel for you.
13th November 2023 at 11:38 pm #163160
Swanlake I am finding it very overwhelming at times however I’m also learning about this which helps!! I’m exhausted 😩 however there was progress today I had a bath 😆 felt brand new.. Guess it’s the small pleasures that count. Hope everyone is well 🙏 💕 xx
13th November 2023 at 11:40 pm #163161
Alonewolf we have got this 👍 stay strong 💪 ❤️ 💙 x*x
14th November 2023 at 1:18 pm #163167HappybelleParticipant
All the very best with this. I’ve nothing useful and helpful other than thinking of you and how amazingly tough all of us ladies are being. All the things you’ve been through. Hope that you manage to get some sleep x
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