Feeling weak but not responding helps

[InHope]

Tonight I feel weak and want to give up. The thought of giving up and finding peace makes me feel calm. Then I look at my kids and find strength. I hope they will realise one day that I did this for them, that I left their dad because his behaviour is not ok, that I deserve better, that momma is happier without daddy and there’s no more arguing and hatred in their home. I wish I could fast forward 6 months too. This divorce is the worst thing. He won’t accept any responsibility, he won’t leave me alone, every time I hear from him I feel sick and wound up for hours, he has manipulated the kids, my health is affected, he is still trying to control us. Even though he hasn’t hurt us physically, he is torturing us mentally, the thing is the kids don’t realise it. I wish I had someone in my corner to say STOP! Or someone to intervene or mediate between us, because he keeps throwing things at me. I wish I could hire a solicitor to deal with things. Or everything really, tonight I feel done, exhausted, I feel like I could lay in bed all day tomorrow. Some of the best advice I’ve had is YOU DONT HAVE TO RESPOND. I’ve been conditioned to respond to him, whether it’s positive or negative it doesn’t matter to him because he just demands a reaction. So I’m getting used to not HAVING to give one. When I DONT respond I can get over his nastiness and controlling ways quicker and ‘reset’ myself. DONT RESPOND.

[KIP.]

That’s good advice and I did the same with the divorce. I just couldn’t deal with his using it to continue abusing me. He waited for the two year mark and petitions me for divorce on the two year separation rule. At least I had time to recover. Doing nothing is an option x

[Lisa]

Dear InHope,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a helpful place to be. I’m sorry to read you’ve been feeling low. It’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions after separating from an abusive man. However it sounds like you are managing to find strength and you should be very proud of that. Take things a day at a time at the moment, give yourself just one task a day and try to ensure you eat well and get enough rest.

You are absolutely right that you have the choice not to respond, and you will find that the longer you continue no contact, the stronger you will feel. If you are able to, I recommend changing your phone number so that he cannot contact you. Also blocking him on social media or coming off altogether. If you feel you need to have some contact because of your children, you could use a separate number for that, and only turn that phone on once a day, so you can limit his access to you. Or you could use email. However ideally it’s best to work towards having no contact at all, or communicate through a solicitor, as you mention.

You should be able to access some free legal advice through your local domestic abuse service. Alternatively you can search the LawWorks website and the Law Centres Network for legal professionals that may offer pro-bono legal assistance. Also, the Rights of Women have a Guide to Family Law Legal Aid that you could have a read through.

If you think it would help to talk to someone, you can call the 24 hour freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence. They won’t tell you what to do, but can talk through your options and help validate your feelings. Alternatively you could contact your local domestic abuse service to find out about ongoing support in your area.

Keep posting, there’s support for you here,

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[InHope]

Thank you for the info. So, it’s another day another morning waking feeling sick to my stomach. Wondering if I’ve done the right thing by contacting my local support organisation, wondering if SS are going to get involved now, wondering what’s best for the LO, constantly second guessing myself. The contact arrangement would work ok if daddy stopped putting pressure on the LO or manipulate them (I miss you, don’t you want to see me more often). The sad truth is, he doesn’t want to pay child maintenance, he told me this ages ago. I feel like I’m on my own trying to protect LO from something I can never protect them from, daddy is so manipulative I already feel I’ve lost, so I might as well quit.

[KIP.]

Hang on in there. Play the long game. Get a contact order in place then you can tell your lo that the court says when he sees them. It’s out of your hands that way. It also reduces contact with him. Zero contact is the way forward. Use a third party for all contact. For handover too if possible. Contact your local women’s aid. They deal with this kind of thing all the time. I know it feels overwhelming but you can find the strength. Speak to your GP too. These men have stamina but so do you. Cut him out your life.

[InHope]

Thank you Kip. I’m trying to stay strong. He has a good relationship with the LO, they love their dad and he loves them, but it’s more a possession at times rather than treating them as individuals. I’ve got to prove he’s said and done so much damage, that’s the hard bit because the LO love him and see no wrong of course, they have innocent minds and have already learned this behaviour is ‘acceptable’. I’m terrified he will get to spend more time with them and influence them further still. We have an arrangement in place through mediation, which he now wants to change, which is confusing the LO again! I will just have to accept whatever the authorities believe is best for them.

[Author]

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