Feeling Weirdly Optimistic About Next Year

[NotYourMaid]

Recently, for the past few days, I’ve been feeling cautiously optimistic. It’s a weird feeling. I haven’t felt like that in a while. I’m slightly worried that it’s just the trauma bond, because my husband as been in a good mood recently. But I’ve been telling myself that it’s not that. Because I still feel an anxious dread when it’s almost time for him to come home from work.

I think I’ve been feeling better, because I’ve been trying to focus more on me (when he’s not home, when he’s home, it’s safer to focus on him and his wants).

I’m taking a language class and it’s going well. It’s language class that focuses on finding work (I live in a country where I don’t speak the language). So its making me feel hopeful that my language skills will be good enough to find a job next year. Which means that I might be able to break free of my husband’s financial abuse.

Some nonprofits are helping me. I cried from relief when the nonprofit said they could help. But that really helped. And that’s what’s also giving me hope. If my husband decides to hurt me the way he did a few months ago, I know where to go for help now.

And I started volunteering. Which is nice, because I haven’t been leaving the house, because I don’t have money, so going outside is really stressful for me now, especially since I can’t buy food. So even when I go for walks, it feels like everything inside of me hurts, because I can just smell food in the air. But I don’t want to think about that right now.

I just want to focus on the good things.

And I found this website! Which also made me feel better.

Hoping for a better year!

[TheMouseBites]

Your situation sounds really frightening. I feel for you and send you strength. I think you are doing exactly the right things though. Get all your ducks in a row before you make a move. You are married so you have legal rights, as you know…presumably these are the same in the country you’re in? Most countries also have free legal advice if you can’t afford it, but actually that may come later. The internet may be able to provide the information you need initially. I believe there are international women’s advice services.  Keep a diary (somewhere safe). Find a trusted other person, or several, if you can. But don’t worry if you can’t, you can do this on your own if you need to. Build your escape slowly on strong foundations, but stay flexible and adaptable yourself.

[TheMouseBites]

Ps everything I just said is assuming that you’re not in immediate or physical danger. If you are then have the local emergency women’s helpline number put into your phone. The police may not be the best option, so have an alternative in an emergency.

[NotYourMaid]

Thanks! I am keeping a diary, but I haven’t written in it recently, mostly because I’ve been depressed, and I figured I would just end up writing more of the same. And I’m just, kind of tired of it, you know? I’m tired that everything I write down for the past few years is just sad stuff. Things that hurt me. I want to things to change. I want good things to happen to me, you know?

That’s a good idea about the alternate emergency number/plan. My plan if he becomes violent is to just run to the nearest police station, but I think you’re right. I should have another plan just in case.

[TheMouseBites]

I know exactly what you mean about the diary! It does feel like that. But in your case I wonder if amounts of money (or lack of)that you are given and when, days when you felt hungry, amounts of food you had to live on etc maybe all those practical things which may seem really boring to write down at the time, but are so difficult, almost impossible to remember weeks or months later when you may be asked about them by a court, or solicitor etc. If you’ve gone to the effort of keeping a record of it, it may be really useful IF you ever need it.

[NotYourMaid]

Sorry, I didn’t reply sooner. My husband had some vacation days because of the holidays, and I didn’t want him to catch me on this forum. Anyway, about the diary, yes, actually. I write how much money he’s borrowed, if he paid me back (usually no), who paid the bills sometimes me even though he has a job and I don’t. How much I had in my saving account before I got in a relationship with him, vs now, (almost 0 savings).

I never wrote about the food, because… that hurts more. And it scares me more…And I can’t think clearly if I think about it too much because I feel overwhelmed and start to panic… And… it’s also causing another weird psychological impact that I didn’t expect… and… I worry that it’s going to cause ptsd when/if I manage to escape.

Sometimes my husband feels like a monster to me. I don’t understand why a human would this to another human.

[Loveiskind]

This sounds very familiar. Towards the end of the year I started to feel a weird ease. Like something out there was advocating for my ease, for my healing. after (number removed by Moderator) years of suffering violence and mental anguish,  I had also seen 3 different counsellors over the years. I found a tiny group doing (activity removed by Moderator) it might not be big but it was the first place I went to by myself in (number removed by Moderator) years. I was searching for healing, I knew if I could do something for myself by myself then that was a step. Then I went to a small gathering at a new female friends house and while he did not take well to me not walking out because there were guys there (despite him being in a party at the exact same time) it was too late. I was starting to wake up. I had a great career and now I do not work due to stress, I’m definitely scared BUT with a few aids, I pressed that submit button on my divorce application and there’s no going back. He eventually will be out of my life and it’s soooo scary but I was already scared with him. I had to pick a loss. Him or me. I just wanted to encourage you that doing one thing and then another for yourself may help you to see just how unhealthy your situation is and that there are more balanced people out there who reflect who you really are, not what your partner has tried to reduce you to.

[NotYourMaid]

I like your idea of focusing on just one thing. It’s sounds kind of calming. Ever since the abuse started, I often have trouble focusing on just one thing. On the bad days, it feels like so much chaos in my mind, and I can’t focus on anything. So I like your idea. I’ll try it the next time I have one of my bad days.

I mean, I guess I should try on the good days too, it’s just that I had a bad day recently, and I didn’t know how to calm the fear down and focus. So, I think this might help.

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