Feeling worse (detail removed by moderator)

[solivagant]

I have a child with abusive ex. He currently is not allowed to see her. He isn’t on the birth certificate and he hasn’t as of yet tried to get any form of contact. While pregnant he showed no intention of financially supporting us and after birth despite saying he would financially support us he never did (not that I even want his money im fine without it).
However…
When the little one was born he did get a family member to deliver a gift and same again for Xmas. I spoke to womens aid asking if there was any way I could stop this as I have told him absolutely no contact and have blocked him from getting in touch. I was told that baby needs both parents, that it would be wise for me to let him see her and its good that he’s sent gift and that he’s done nothing wrong.

I just feel so rubbish. I was so sure that I was doing the right thing for us and now I just don’t know. The fact that when she was concevied the probability of it being under non consensual circumstances is much higher than if I had consented. All the emotional and sexual abuse I suffered. Plus I have seen him around children and firmly believe that he is not safe near the little one is all too much!!!
I love my baby so much but I hate that he can use her to have power over me and at any point he could try for contact and my hand will be forced.
I feel so alone I’ve tried going to the police multiple times and they did nothing, CBT didn’t help. Womens aid didn’t help. I don’t know what more I can do…

[Watersprite]

Hello I’m not really sure what to add but just to say you are not alone on here. Could you try social services – certainly they may get involved if he has contact with your baby. You are a very protective mother she needs you. I’m sure others will reply with more support. If I understand correctly there is no contact now – enjoy your time with her in the here and now and try not to think too much of the future even though it is difficult – could you talk about your worries to a health visitor or GP perhaps – take care x

[solivagant]

Social services won’t be involved as ice not allowed contact and GP said he will be fine and I’ve over reacted….

[KIP.]

That definitely doesn’t sound like the sort of thing I’d expect from women’s aid. I know I’ve had a couple of bad experiences with the helpline but on the whole they have been very supportive and definitely would never encourage child contact with an abuser. Try to remember you are in control here. You know all the facts. This man has never been in her life, has never financially contributed and is an abuser and has sexually assaulted you. It’s hard to admit all the abuse we have suffered but I’m sure if all the facts were laid out then no one would advise he has contact with your child. It sounds like his contact with gifts has badly triggered you. And no wonder. Are you receiving counselling. It would help to get some good counselling to separate the past fear and trauma with the current fears. He may be testing the waters with you which is what they do. Sending gifts to see if your vulnerable enough to let him back in. Take things one day at a time and don’t put so much weight on the words of a stranger on a helpline that perhaps doesn’t know all the facts and is not in your life.

[KIP.]

It’s good you went to the Police. That’s helpful should he ever try to get back into your life and his name is now on their radar. These men are mostly serial offenders. Once an abuser always an abuser.

[Empoweredhealing]

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. A lot of people don’t understand abuse. It sounds like the person you spoke with at Women’s Aid inadvertently gave you wrong advice due to ignorance. You are completely right in not wanting any contact with your abuser. Unfortunately, the legal system does a very inadequate job of protecting women and children when an abuser is the father. Please keep trying to reach out for help. There are people out there who understand abuse and can support you legally and emotionally. Telling your GP and your child’s pediatrician is a great step.

[solivagant]

Gp said I was overreacting and that he will be fine when I see her and I can’t get referred to a pediatrician

[Empoweredhealing]

Gosh, I’m so sorry. I think there is such a black hole in education of the general public and medical professionals when it comes to abuse. To be honest, I didn’t know anything about emotional abuse until I found myself in a relationship with an abuser. Maybe the lack of information is why many of us are blindsided.
Please keep searching for allies and advocates. They are out there. Don’t trust people advice unless they are familiar with abuse or have worked with survivors. Trust those who have spent time learning and understanding abuse.

[Eggshells]

Hi Solivagent,

I was abit shocked to read your post to be honest. I think that your instincts as a mother to proctect your child are absolutely spot on and I can’t think why anyone would suggest that it is a good thing to have an abusive man in your child’s life; it really isn’t!

A child needs love and protection and you are giving your baby both of those in abundance. Plenty of children grow up in single parent families and plenty of children grow up with abusive fathers. From bitter experience, I wish that I had kept my children’s father out of their lives, they would have faired so much better without him, or his disfunctional family, in their lives.

Please return the gifts by any means possible to the family member and make it clear that you will not accept any future gifts.

Abusive fathers damage children whether the abuse is aimed at them or not. They are just collateral damage to a man who is waging war against his partner. You are absolutely right to deny him contact.

Please ask for a different keyworker and explain why you are requesting that. A good keyworker will support you. They should not tell you what to do, they would certainly never suggest that an abusive man be allowed back into your lives and they should never, ever let their personal views override their professional understanding.

You sound like an amazing, well balanced, loving and understanding mother. Trust your initial instinct and don’t let anyone manipulate you into lettnig this man in to your or your child’s lives. XX

[solivagant]

I did consider returning them but was told that that may make it worse. I was going to sell them and but her something better but my family said that was rude so now there just sat doing nothing

[Lisa]

Hi Solivagant

I am sorry to hear about your situation and the advice that you were given.

I just wanted to reassure you that you are doing the right thing, especially as you don’t think he is safe around children, you are just trying to protect your child.

At Women’s aid, we support your decision and agree that it’s not wise for you to let him see her, and that sending gifts is manipulative and a way of contacting you even though he knows you don’t want him to. I am sorry to hear you were given different advice to this.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[Author]

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