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    • #106061
      weeblewob
      Participant

      hi everyone, im new to this group and im not sure really how to start and what to say apart from I hate my ex. I haven’t been with him for (detail removed by moderator) and im in a happy marriage with my new partner and have been for (detail removed by moderator). I am struggling so much to see light at the end of the tunnel and that I will ever be the normal person that I used to be. I have so many issues that still take over my life mainly from all the emotional abuse I received for so many years. I hate feeling paranoid and scared and even to the day my ex still has the full control over me and I hate it. he shouldn’t

    • #106063
      Lucky13
      Participant

      Hi there I’ve never wrote anything on here before but read lots of helpful stores etc but wanted to reply to you as found it interesting to know why your ex still has control etc? Are you happy with new partner or finding it hard to be 100% happy due to previous abuse? You have achieved so much already firstly breaking away from ex partner and also moving on with your life too so well done on that 😘 as so many woman can’t find courage to do so. Big hugs 🥰x*x

    • #106066
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi you guys and Welcome! The first step is acknowledging all this. Have you had any counseling at all? It’s a big ball of knotted up stuff in there that has to be slowly untangled… Things got rewired as a result of the abuse but your authentic person is still there. It usually has something to do with lies we have believed about ourselves during the abuse. You hear them from your own self critic in your head all the time. Your authentic self is very not ok with this and kicks up a storm inside you saying…..can you Please pull these lies up by the roots now because this is too much pain?!

      What do you think some of those lies are?

    • #106154
      weeblewob
      Participant

      braelynn what you have just said is exactly how I feel. I have tried counselling but it has never worked for me. I was subject to emotional and physical abuse, But the emotional abuse has had a much bigger effect on me. my ex used to call me so many things, he would torture me with the vile words that it got to the point where I throught I was better of dead than I was alive. we have a child together and I had a child from a previous partner. he would call me a bad mum, I was fat and disgusting(told me this (detail removed by moderator) after I gave birth to our child), no one wants me nor ever will. no one would miss me if I was dead, the list goes on he would sit on the end of the bed at night while I was trying to sleep (detail removed by moderator) the mattress up saying these vile things over and over again. he would often throw me off the mattress. he would do it for hours on end. I fell like its constantly inside me the doubts I have about myself all drilled in because of him. I feel like my old same is still there but at times I start to think what would my new partner want me look at me in disgusting etc and I hate it. the other day my ex called me because I stopped him seeing our son (detail removed by moderator) ago because he has a massive problem with alcohol so I had to stop contact. he then decided to call our son out the blue p****d out of his face my son didn’t answer he came and told me. the next thing my ex was on the phone to me which I answer and told him that it as agreed he didn’t call our son and that he is drunk and shouldn’t be calling. the next thing the nasty disgusting vile words came out his mouth to me againa dn threathening to kill me ect and everything just comes flowing back all the self doubt etc its horrible.

      • #106163
        Cuppatea
        Participant

        I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You’re doing amazing raising your son without that man. And you go girl. Knowing what’s right for yourself and him. It takes strength and courage to break away when you know leaving is better than staying. And you’re honestly inspiring to many women.

        In terms of your ex, you need to block his backside. Or even change your number. You do not need that man in your life. When he is uttering rubbish at you, just know he’s insecure and jealous and he just wishes we wasn’t the way he is because of what he’s lost. And know that he is calling all these things to himself and mirroring the inner demon that he is.

        You take your power back. And don’t ever let him dictate your thoughts. He is not worth it.

    • #106172
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Weeble…….you absolutely have to block him like Cuppa said. Every time he gets a wild hair he’s going to reach out and mess with you guys so in as much it spins you around, it gives him a big surge of power to wind you up. Document all this too and tell whoever you need to tell because this is not okay.

      So glad you got away and your children are doing well!!! I absolutely despise men like this and no, you can’t call them men, they are monsters. But you have some healing to do. He abused you really really bad. It’s going to take some time so just realize that. And anytime you let him wind you up again, it sets you back. This is serious stuff and if you could hold a mirror up to what’s happened inside you, it would look alot like someone in a bad car accident.

      I went to a few counselors over the years and I did have any luck either. Mostly they just listened and then time’s up, pay me! So I kept my money and educated myself. Or they would say things and I’d go….seriously?? Not all are bad and not even saying that. Some are very very good. But it does help to have a person to talk to and to guide you. It really does.

      You just keep talking here, that does help. And start reading…..tons of information on the Book List thread here. Things that will not only inform you but will – affirm you. You’ll go OH! I’m not the only person!! And that happens here as well. All of us have experienced one form or all the forms of abuse. I should be a total nut job to be honest and while that’s up for debate with some people I’m actually quite sane. LOL! I do act crazy from time to time just to throw them off and mess with their heads. It’s always better to make them think – you could go psycho if you wanted to. Keeps them on their toes. My daughter used to say, my friends either love you to pieces or they are scared to death of you. I said – Good!

      Keep pushing forward here, a day at a time and your wounds will heal. It took time for them to happen and it takes time for them to heal…. Infuse yourself with good things, good people, good nutrition, exercise, great fun times with your kids. Take time to watch something funny. Turn on your favorite music and dance! Btw, if you’ve never seen “What About Bob?” you have to watch it!

      Just so very proud of you and soooo glad you are out!!! Big Hugs to You!!!

    • #106178
      Soulsearcher18
      Participant

      Hey Weeblewob, welcome and welcome to you too Lucky13- I just mentioned you in another post.

      I’m really sorry to hear about your experiences but I am glad too that you are out.
      Braelynn offers really great advice and things like taking a look at some of the books may be a good starting point- it has certainly helped me since at the moment, for me anyway, there are no groups available.
      Hopefully the libraries will be open again soon and I have found mine to be so kind and helpful in accessing self help books.
      I think what you will gain from being on here is similar to what you might get at a support group. I haven’t started counselling yet but I have accessed some support groups- though it was really nerve-wracking to start these at first, I found it really helped to learn that I am not alone and to hear of other people’s experiences (much like Braelynn explained above). After accessing the groups, I then felt more ready for 121 counselling, obviously I haven’t had that yet so I don’t know how I’ll find it but it’s just trying different stuff out, seeing what works and learning along the way really.

      Coming on here has helped me to find my voice with it all, though I have a way to go, it’s also helped me to see how far I have travelled and what I have achieved too.

      I hope that you continue to share with us and seek support.

      I agree with Cuppatea- ‘block his backside’! – love that comment -but definitely Zero Contact. I also really hope that you can log his backside somewhere official too.

      Take care

      Soulsearcher18

    • #106191
      weeblewob
      Participant

      since (detail removed by moderator) I have managed to block him, get myself a solicitor. I reported the incident and my solicitor is finalising my legal aid application to go for a non molistration order, prohibited steps order and a residency order. all to protect me and my son from any further damage.

      Honestly I don’t know how my husband puts up with me sometimes. The negativity I show when he pays me a compliment or says nice things to me. All the throughts that are drilled in to my head make me be a right d**k sometimes.

      im not scared or worried about my hubby because I know he loves me so much and everything about me. He took me on with my 2 kids and all my bagguage but my inner demons of worthlessness over take me sometimes. Its so hard to talk to me that really don’t understand what its like to have experienced the stuff that I have. They just don’t get it and what it does to you.

      I feel like im suffication at times. I look at pictures and wonder what that confident, funny, crazy women that I used to be has gone. I mean I am still like that but at times I just don’t see it.

       

       

    • #106245
      Soulsearcher18
      Participant

      Excellent news, I am sure we will all be relieved to hear the action that’s been taken.

      It is hard for people to fully understand the affects of the abuse and of course it affects us all in similar and different ways.
      There must be resources out there for partners/family etc to read and support that they too can access. I know that there is something on this site but haven’t got chance to find it just now. I’m sure there are phone lines too- I just can’t think of them off top of my head. Of course, it depends on how other people around you feel about accessing that information, whether they are likely to read info/pick up the phone but it may help sometimes to explain how you feel. Rather than you having to find the words.
      It really helped one of my relatives when I shared info from a support group- the Pat Craven info. It helped them to get it and understand and I think that they were grateful to me for sharing it. The Pat Craven books are really direct and easy to understand- which I need and which is useful when sharing with others.

      I just wouldn’t underestimate the trauma of your perpetrator still being able to infiltrate your life in the way he has up to now and how that will of affected your recovery. Hopefully once all the measures are in place, you will feel clearer and more protected and free to continue healing.

      There are a few things to get through to get all that sorted and so I hope that now you’ve started, you will continue to share with us to get on-going support and reassurance through it all.

      So glad to hear that you’ve gone no contact and he’s going to feel the force of the law.

      Soulsearcher18

    • #106284
      weeblewob
      Participant

      thanks I really would love to see his face when we gets court letter. I know for a fact he cant afford a lawyer and he wouldn’t be able to represent himself in a court because he isn’t capable of staying calm. I just so scared and nervous and never felt so worried but at the same time I feel like laughing and glad that I have done this. Just court is a scary thing to have to do.

      Im so scared that my son with end up just like him and id hate that my son is so smart and clever and I know he has got the potential to make such a good life for himself and id hate his dad to turn him in to him.

      I just need to get pass the way I still feel. do u ever just feel like such a t**t for letting a pathetic person make u feel so inhuman.

    • #106286
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Absolutely! But you have to realize they are far far better at what they do than you are recognizing them. It’s like going up against a car salesman and think you can outwit them. Some of them are just so good at what they do you walk away with your tail tied in a knot. I just tell them, I’m good, if I need you I’ll whistle.

      But some of these people have been learning how to con people since the cradle. So are we a match for them? Not always. But we can become a master at it. Once bitten, twice shy. We can’t judge them by who we are because at some point we have to remove the fingernail polish and the bows from all that and just look at what is based on previous behavior and ongoing behavior presently.

      I don’t persecute myself for not seeing or maybe seeing one but not the next one because they had a different jumpsuit on. Uh, no. Then I would have to have some major education about what’s what in order to do that and it’s just not always possible to not be conned by one that gets by our radar. However, that being said, doesn’t mean once we know that we have to stick around and try and try and try to make it work either. Round peg, square hole.

      They are called feelings and just feel them, be gentle with yourself and love yourself through it because you are so very lucky to be out and to have the life and husband you have now. You are not who you were back then. You have grown so so much!

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