Feelings of doubt

[paint pot]

Hi there

So I’ve been with my partner about (detail removed by moderator) and we have a (detail removed by moderator) son. I feel like in the (detail removed by moderator) I’ve been gaslit on multiple occasions, made to feel like I’m in the wrong every time and just generally feel uncomfortable in my home.

Some issues that have arisen include the following:

Partner questioning my connection with my son even though I had him 24 hours a day for a whole year. I was exhausted.

I asked to have a couple of hours once a week to go to the gym and I was told that I was selfish for asking that and it was unrealistic to ask for. (detail removed by moderator) Again, an attack on me for not being happy for him that he went to the gym. It seems everything is twisted on me and my ‘negative’ attitude when it’s clearly the situation that is making me ‘negative’.

I was made to feel bad when I booked something on my birthday that I like to do because I didn’t run it past him first.

I get told that I see my mum too often and that I should stay in the flat and just be with our son and that I don’t have a personality with just my son and I without including my mum. I go to my mums for company and I have a nice time. It doesn’t hurt anyone.

(detail removed by moderator)

(detail removed by moderator)

I’ve stopped bringing issues up because I’ve never won and discussion and every word I say gets twisted so it’s better to just sit with my feelings now as I just get more hurt in the long run.

I guess I just know that I see him in a very different light and the love I am giving him feels so forced now. I don’t really want to leave as I want to see my son everyday and I don’t trust that he parents correctly.

[Indeepindance]

Hi paint pot,

Your post leapt out at me for reasons I think I understand where your doubt is creeping in.  These disagreements can seem like normal relationship ‘stuff’.

But what you’ve described so well are feelings of being criticised often and being on edge as a result.

I am also hearing double standards (time for him to go to the gym) but not you, but overarching all this is the controlling nature of these interactions.  It sounds like he wants you at home where he can be sure you’re not socialising with anyone else, meeting new people or talking about him. Also to allow him the freedom HE wants to do as he pleases, and I suspect you’ve lost any confidence to challenge him on those inconsistencies and how unfair they are to you.

I remember my ex getting cross with me for being upset he’d had a day of activities when I’d visited my family a couple of times (he rarely seemed to want to do those things together at my request), instead he would call the shots and say he just wants to chill indoors (I had to as well) or he would choose something else for us to do. I felt perhaps he had done it deliberately to discourage me from going out for the day without him, then draw me into mentioning it, so he could accuse me of being unsupportive in his activities and keep the focus on me and my behaviour rather than his own insecurities. At the time I believed him that I was hating on him.

But flip the roles and I would get obstacles if I wanted to go to a fitness class or go out shopping e.g.  We would have to discuss this at length before any decision could be made and it was exhausting and emotionally draining as I knew it was an unbalanced relationship.

Having your words twisted and never being able to ‘win’ is truly the most painful, anger-making experience I’ve ever been through in my life so I can empathise and reassure you that there is no need to doubt what he’s doing to you is manipulative, controlling and gaslighting. Definitely toxic, and I think most would agree abusive.

Sitting with those feelings must be incredibly hard, and will be damaging to you.

You sound like a great mum who’s enriching her child’s social life and quite rightly wanting time to yourself, and yes I can understand your concerns over leaving them alone together.  It’s a very difficult decision.

My ex had a child and I did not agree with their parenting style due to the level of control and the way he would speak to me in front of them. I was lucky I could walk away but I worry so much for them now that I’m no longer there.

You can do the work with your child though to reinforce what’s not okay for people to do or say to each other, should they witness anything, or even preempt it and hopefully that will protect them in some way.

Xxxxx

 

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