Feelings see- sawing

This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 1 week, 5 days ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #67813
    Profile photo of Eve1 Eve1 
    Participant

    I am well over 50 now and left my abusive ex husband a good few years ago. I wrote a few weeks ago about not getting any tax credits now as I accessed my small pension and used it to pay off credit card debt. The debt was awful and I felt great shame about it and told no one. I ran it up after leaving, and sometimes had to use cash from credit cards to survive. It was hard to find work and look after the children aftet leaving. I hadn’t worked properly for most of our marriage. He made it very difficult,

    Anyway, I need to earn more money than just my part time job pays, and I have found something. I was hoping it would start soon, asked grace up my other job (it’s a hard manual job, very tiring and I often felt ill) but unfortunately the new job is not starting until the end of January. I’ve been applying like mad for temp wirk and I’m starting some bank (supply) admin work from next wek, but I don’t know how much of it there’ll be. Basically, I’ve made my finances very precarious again. But I just could not do the manual job any longer.

    I feel physically absolutely loads better for not doing the job, and have started losing weight finally. But it’s made me go back over everything again. Being in this situation because of the abuse. It’s many years since I left, but life is still not secure. Just still feel angry I suppose.

    I know I am a different person to the one I was when I left. I’m stronger, and I c make my own decisions, even the ones that turn out rubbish? (I didn’t know that pension money world be classed as income and take me over the limit for tax credits). I’ve put my children first and I think I’ve done/ am doing my best for them.

    I suppose I was just trusting to luck that the job world start soon, not a sensible thing to do. And I was a bit overconfident(boosted by having actually getting a nee job!), That I would find something temporary.

    Thank you for reading ladies. I just needed to rant a bit.

    Good wishes to you all

    xx

  • #67832
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Eve1, I’m reading a book called ‘the invisible years’ which covers 45-60 year olds. A lot is how as women of a certain era we were brought up to be good girls, men worked, women stayed home. Whether through abusive relationships, breakdown of marriages naturally or just not having worked, this very topic is covered. As a 50 something too, i have no provisions for a future without my partner, no pensions, no Savings and unable to work up to retirement age(whatever that will be), to say im scared is an understatement. Something always does turn up but one day it wont, then what?
    IWMB πŸ’•πŸ’•

  • #67833
    Profile photo of Eve1 Eve1 
    Participant

    I can identify with the invisible bit. I think my upbringing taught me to keep quiet and not give anyone any trouble. Good grounding for a relationship with an abuser.

    Very unfair isn’t it?

    It sounds like you’re still in the relationship? No way of getting out? I know it’s tough. I have no kind of financial security but I am able to work and anything is better than being with him.

    I wish you all the best

    Eve1
    x

  • #67847
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Eve1, yes i am, but am gathering as much info as i can. I haven’t been this organised about anything in years.πŸ™‚
    Yes that’s what the books about, particularly women born in the 50,s, teenager in the 70’s. Need to see what job centre advisers re benefits. Best place to go seemingly as CAB and WA can only do a projection if you’ve left the relationship. I dont doubt many ladies have stayed because of the fear of being poor. πŸ˜ͺ

    IWMB πŸ’•πŸ’•

  • #67853
    Profile photo of Eve1 Eve1 
    Participant

    Go you! Being well informed will stand you in good stead, I’m sure.

    I’ve always found the job centre fairly helpful. I hope you find a way out soon.

    Eve
    x

  • #67960
    Profile photo of Ayanna Ayanna 
    Participant

    As a matter of fact, as long as you are mobile enough, there will always be jobs, even when you are old and not in great shape.
    I have made financial mistakes in the past due to abusive partners. Therefore I do not think of retiring ever, just to work as long as I am able to, even with disability and not so great health.
    The thing is in my personal situation, the longer I am away from the abuser, the more stable my health gets. I do not know whether some of the problems can resolve. Some can be managed well with devices and I can work despite having these issues.
    It is possible to rebuild life, to start over again at a later age with determination and goal keeping.
    The little miscalculations on the way to a better life are hickups that do not count.
    I too need to pay credit cards. I do not mind. I know why I got into this and now I do my best to get out of it.
    There was no other way at the time. I needed accommodation and had to start from scratch.
    Without the credit cards I would live in an empty apartment and have hardly any nice clothes. I appreciate their existence very much.

  • #67963
    Profile photo of Eve1 Eve1 
    Participant

    I don’t think about retiring either! I feel like I’m just beginning to be able to work with some continuity. I want to work for at least the next 10 years!

    Credit cards are useful but because I took cash out on the the interest was crippling and I never had the income to pay them back.

    I am patting myself on the back a bit as I’ve actually been for 3 jobs recently and got them. So things are definitely improving in that sense. And its getting easier as my daughter grows up and feels more stable herself

    I’m happy to hear how your life is getting more stable the longer you are away from the abuse.

    Thank you, Ayanna. It’s very good to hear from you.

    xx

  • #68046
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi all, my feelings are definately see-sawing at the moment. I think it’s because he has been around more and hasn’t actually been as nasty to me. Yes there’s been name calling but not to the extent it usually is. I’m getting organised and gaining information BUT….i thought I’d feel different but I’m just numb. I feel I’m going through the motions to leave but I’m not really doing it for me anymore!
    I don’t feel scared of being on my own, i sometimes feel sad that I’ll leave him, and ive not had the urge to cling on to him, to hear him say everything will be alright, we’ll get through this. Am i having second thoughts, is my ‘abuse’ just me not accepting bad behaviour and making it into something it’s not. I don’t feel confused,tbh, i dont feel anything. Just going through the motions.
    IWMB I πŸ’•πŸ’•

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

EXIT SITE

Β© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditions β”‚ Privacy & cookie policy β”‚ Site map β”‚ Protect yourself onlineβ”‚ MediaΒ β”‚Β Jobs

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account