22nd September 2016 at 2:18 am #28645
Hi i’m new to the forum and am currently going through loads of emotions. I’ve been married for over (detail removed by moderator) years which for years I’ve been spoke to like rubbish, don’t go out with friends without being questioned, asked whose been on the phone ,Internet, at work etc. Made to feel bad if I want to join in local activities etc. But worse of all I feel like the worse mother walking for not sticking up for my boys when my hubby (their dad) spoke to them like a piece of dirt. I was scared to defend them when he spoke down to them incase I was next. I finally cracked when he (the hubby) told me to suffocate on my own slime.
I’ve never thought how he treated us as abuse because as a child I witnessed my dad beating the living daylights out of my mum, and saw that as abuse. I left home (detail removed by moderator) because of it. So being spoken down to, not trusted and everything being mine and my lads fault was just everyday living. Anyway when I told my hubby I’d had enough and either he left or I did, friends started to comment how they had witnessed him being nasty to me but didn’t want to interfere.I’ve felt like ive wanted to die before just to get out of the marriage.
I’m now still at home and so is he, he’s being ‘nice’ and letting me go places but then saying things to our (age removed by moderator) year old (like “I don’t like your mum going out in that skirt”) & various other things.I’m still wishing I could die (I’m too much of a coward to take my own life), I feel cruel splitting the family up (not that we have yet) & feeling as though I’m stuck to the floor and can’t get myself up. I know only I can take steps to make things better and get him out but why am I feeling these feelings. I hate myself and feel worthless.
22nd September 2016 at 10:26 pm #28724LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for your brave and honest post. I just wanted to show you some support and to let you know that how you are feeling is very normal. Being in a domestically abusive relationship is hugely damaging to your confidence and self esteem and whilst he is still in the house with you he will continue to try to undermine you and dent your confidence. I know that it can be very hard to recognise abuse when you have experienced abuse as a child but your husband is very abusive and controlling and emotional abuse is no less painful than physical abuse.
Please do phone the freephone national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247, they will not tell you what to do but they will listen to you and help you to see the options that you have. You are not alone and there is help for you. The helpline can also put you in touch with your local Women’s Aid group where you can receive some counselling and have access to a key worker who can help you to move forward.
We are all here for you and you sound so much braver that you think you are. Please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.
23rd September 2016 at 1:37 am #28735
Thank you for replying Lisa.
I’m seeing my doctor in a few days as I’m crying all the time and are having feelings of wanting to die. I’m hoping things will improve mentally soon and I can start to feel more in control.
Really appreciate you replying to me and thank you for the advice and phone numbers x
23rd September 2016 at 7:26 am #28739KIP.Participant
Hi and welcome, please don’t worry about splitting the family up. It’s better to come from a broken home than an abusive one. Just concentrate on getting as much help as you can. Contact your local women’s aid. They were fantastic. Helping me recognise just how dysfunctional and dangerous my ex was X
23rd September 2016 at 7:43 am #28742HealthyarchiveBlocked
Dear Theducky, I know how dreadful, painful and despairing it is. I am out of all relationships now but I have been where you are before and remember how trapped I felt, that there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. this will all change so much for you and your children in the future. It takes varying degrees of time. If you were to leave and go into a womens refuge it would change quickly. But then you have the after effects to deal with which take time, although you are away from the man. The phsycial distance will be between you but your emotional responses for a while will be upsetting and challenging. If you can sign up for the Freedom Programme, womens aid will help you look into this, this will really help you start decluttering your life. The womens refuge is a place that yourself and your children can stay in safety, your partner won’t know where you are, for some time whilst you are sorting yourself out. If you decided that you don’t want to take this route then it is working through the options whilst you are where you are, with your partner there too. This forum is invaluable, I can see that at the moment you have not had many responses. Personally I find there are just so many women who need help, its difficult to be able to post to everybody. I post a lot on here as I am passionate about finding answers to my own problem but I also want to help empower other women, i sometimes don’t reply to some people as there are only so many hours in a day & you can’t help everybody. I would suggest that if you don’t get many reply’s you focus on reading the different posts on here, you will find someone you identify with. This forum is designed so you can read back all posts that one person has written, it is so helpful. There are also a vast array of abuse books that many are available to read free on Amazon and are also shortish reads. These books get me through my suffering. I like all of the books by HG Tudor, I love Zari Ballards books, there are also some others: Why does he do that?; Invisible Chains; The Body Keeps the Score; 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships (this is free to read on Amazon).
I am some months out of my emotionally abusive relationship. I feel I am still somewhat a prisoner although we do not see or speak to each other anymore. I want him out of my head but it is easier said than done. My ex was controlling during the time that we were together and I feel deliberately controls me despite our split. Its a mental response but something I am working through. This forum, The Freedom Programme, the books and the passing of time eases things. If you have made up your mind and are clear that your relationship is over then it is about getting out asap into a refuge or somewhere else and distancing yourself from him, you will hear the term No Contact a lot on here. NC is complete cessation of all contact either direct or indirect, however vague this may be. Again, don’t worry too much if you do not get many responses on here, there are so many hundreds of women now who need help it is difficult to be able to post and advise all of them, i think that is the reason for that. But you will get the answers that you are seeking. X*X
5th October 2016 at 5:02 pm #29535CherubParticipant
Hi the ducky..i’m new to the forum too…and am also feeling very low and wothless at the moment…but as far as relationships go i want you to know that there are better men out there that will treat you with the respect and love you deserve…i had 3 awful relationships and after the last one which i was married to i swore that i would never let anyone make me feel like that again…i was ready to tell them to go the second they set a foot wrong and still am with my current partner but as soon as i made that decision i met the nicest man ever and the love of my life he treats me like a princess even though i keep pushing him away…but what i’m trying to say is when you build up the strengh to leave which is a time that has to feel right for you…you will see things so much clearer an hopefully learn that no one has the right to treat you that way…i wish you all the best and if you want to chat feel free to message me…we can feel low together 🙂
28th December 2016 at 11:12 am #35031
Hi All. I’ve just logged on after 3 months of posting my original comment and boy how things have changed.
I realised how bad I was and how things had got and after a visit to my Dr it sunk in how near to crisis point I was. After facing up to my husband and asking him to leave several times (and him refusing), I decided I would go.
I’m now in a new home with my youngest son and looking forward to next year. It’s been far from easy mentally though, I was teetering on a breakdown, have had my anti depressants doubled and been referred to mental health services. I’ve been in automatic mode, doing practical things,taking my name off financial accounts etc but not looking after my mental state. Luckily for me I work within an area of mental wellbeing and the support from my friends & collegues has been brilliant, with many of them not knowing what ive gone through all these years.
Going into the new year my mental health has improved, I’m on the road to a better life, I keep in touch with my older children and things are improving all the time. I still have things to sort out and I’m planning on a divorce next year. I consider myself very lucky as I know there are others who have or are suffering worse than me but let me tell you there is hope. I made the break, it’s a bumpy road but if I can do it so can others.
28th December 2016 at 12:27 pm #35033GratefulParticipant
So glad things are moving in the right direction for you, Theducky. I just read your first post and identified with it all.
I am starting divorce proceedings in the new year whilst we live in the same house so I expect his behaviour to get worse but at least I can read about others that have made it through and out, which will help me stay strong.
I read many posts and admire you all in so many different ways.
I no longer feel I have to prepare the children in case we split. I now know we have to split and i’ll sort things out for them afterwards. I’ve been living as a shadow for far too long and I want fun again.
Here’s to a better new yearfor everyone.
28th December 2016 at 2:53 pm #35038EeyoreNoMoreParticipant
TheDucky, huge congratulations to you on what is never an easy thing to do! So glad you are looking forward to 2017 🎉
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