This topic contains 10 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Cookerkettle 3 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #86027
     Cookerkettle 
    Participant

    Hi,
    Well am actually finally taking a step a speaking out. Completely new to this but have for a while been looking, and I think hearing other people has made me brave enough to start looking at a way out. I’m so scared though. I know what I’m living in is a shove and controlling, but is it really strange that it’s almost become a normality? That actually even writing this has to be so secret , that I feel like I can’t actually breathe most of the time, but others it’s like …. this is okay. I must be making it a bigger deal. My situation is slight different in that it’s my Dad that is the abuser. He abused and controlled my Mum all of my life and it’s almost just passed down. And I’m scared to go as he might hurt her? I’ve become like the buffer, the councillor to make sure arguments don’t get too heated or that there is no violence but I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do it. I’m on my (age removed by moderator) and have to ask my Dads persmission to go out. He controls the mood in the house and if he is in a bad mood then I find myself placating him and feeling guilty even though I’ve done nothing wrong. He’s alcohol dependant so his mood and aggression depends on how drunk he is. Then I find myself asking myself things like… I’d he is that bad , how comes I still love him. Which then makes me question how bad it really is. But I know it’s not normal. I have to prove myself all the time. Prove that I’m not lying and that I’m not hiding anything. Prove that I do love him, prove that I care. And honestly I can’t do it anymore. But I know if I leave I’ll have to leave everyone and everything behind. He would not allow me to just live, if it’s nit with him, because then he can’t monitor my movements . That means leaving all of my family, friends , job. And that’s what’s held me back for so long. But I’m finally starting to see that I am a little bit important and why shouldn’t I have a life. So I guess what I’m asking for is just someone to tell me that it will get better and I do have a way out.

  • #86037
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Yes, there is lots of help out there once you speak out. Your dad chooses to abuse. Please don’t blame alcohol. Lots of people have problems with alcohol but are not abusive. Ring the helpline number on here and speak to someone who can help. You deserve a safe happy life. Contact your local women’s aid. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It sounds like your mum is in danger too but once you leave and are safe, they will see that it can be done x

  • #86047
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    I’m reading “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. It goes into detail and makes a great deal of sense why alcohol isn’t always to blame and how it’s used by an abuser. Their core values are their core values. Alcohol might stir them up but that’s he person he is, booze or no booze. Xx

  • #86051
     Cookerkettle 
    Participant

    Thank you both for your responses. I can’t tell you how much it actually means that someone is listening. I just don’t know what to do. The abuse isn’t just emotional, he will at times be inappropriate in his behaviour towards me. I don’t know how I even begin to explain that to somebody. Alcohol I know is not an excuse, it just Ramps up the level of threat and violence. Police have been called numerous times, but nothing ever done. Suppose just a 24 hour break whilst he in the cells. I just want to be happy, I don’t know where to turn, but even having this little voice is I guess showing me that I can do this. My mum won’t leave, I’ve asked her so many times from being preteen. And I guess her not leaving normalised everything and made me believe that I was not worth leaving for. I see now that it was fear. Again thank you both

  • #86053
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Oh cookerkettle, please get yourself some help and speak to women’s aid. Once you are out you can try and help your mum if she wants to be helped. It’s heartbreaking what you are dealing with, you have no life! I know it must be hard doing it without you Mum because you care about her, but see it as the first step. Are you able / do you have the finances to rent somewhere? Or get to a refuge so they can help you out? I hope you can leave soon and start the life you deserve. Theres always someone listening here so please keep posting and seeking help and you will find your way x*x

  • #86055
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Who calls the police? Is it you or your mum or someone outside? Xx

  • #86057
     Cookerkettle 
    Participant

    The last time it was my brother as my dad was threatening with a knife . Not the first time, but he was so inibrated and took the knife into the public. Police came, but my mum convinced him to hide the knife before they arrived. He manages to get saved every time. Financially both my parents rely on me so really struggle to put money aside. Thank you for listening to me, and not judging. I know I need to go, I know that I actually want a life. I’m the age I am and never had a relationship because he gets jealous and the control steps up a level so easier to just do as he says and keep him happy. But I want to be loved. I don’t want to wake up a dread another day. Or worry what I will face when I get home. Or be scared to tell him no because then I’m blamed for upsetting everyone. But thank you I can’t tell you what it means.

  • #86065
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Cookerkettle,

    Welcome to the forum. Thank you so much for your brave and honest post. I just wanted to say please do phone the helpline when you next get a safe moment to do so. You are not to blame for your fathers behaviour and it is your choice to leave. Perhaps you could leave and offer your mother to come too? The helpline can talk to you about refuge options for you and your mother so that you could start again or perhaps you leaving independently would inspire your mother to do the same.

    We are all here for you so please phone the helpline and let us know how you are getting on.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa
    Forum Moderator

  • #86066
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there sweetheart, sometimes we just have to survive. Keep posting and reading others posts. Abusive behaviour is rife in this world. Get as much information as you can, teach out to your doctor or if at school college, uni, get in touch with someone you trust there. There’s breathing space as well as the Samaritans, as well as women’s aid. If you can’t get through on the national line try your local one, they’re usually found under the main search online. You are on the right forum, abuse of women of any kind is abhorrent, when it’s familial it hurts so deeply. I’ve only realised how abusive my own father is,(passive/aggressive and so much worse when drunk too, not physical but verbally vicious) which in turn made my choices of husbands inevitable.
    Take care love and light
    IWMB 💞💞

  • #86341
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Hi. It is time for you to get your own life, away from this. As has been said, it is possible that once you are settled and at peace your mum could be inspired to leave too.

    It is inevitable that you’d feel some guilt, that is normal, and to be expected from a kind loving person. I guarantee that you can get past that. I’m not going to say it will go away straight away, but as long as you keep reminding yourself that you deserve a life free from abuse and you have to take those steps to get it, you can work through those feelings.

    xx

  • #86444
     Cookerkettle 
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for your lovely and supportive replys. (Detail removed by moderator) I’m finally starting to realise that I do not need to feel ashamed. That this abuse is not actually my fault and nothing that I can change about my behaviour will change him. In my head I’m now coming to terms with leaving and starting again and beginning to make plans to achieve this. I’m not putting pressure on myself with a time limit I just know that I will know when I have the strength to up and go. I have spoken with my Mum about speaking with WA and the options avalible. Initially I got my hopes up as she started speaking as a ‘we’ but then later told me.. if you need to go then just go. Don’t worry what he will do to me. And a light bulb moment told me….. I am on my own and the only person who can change my life is me. I can only be responsible for my actions. Easier said than done but I’m telling myself this as a daily thing and it’s beginning to work. Having the platform to speak and actually have a voice has been a big thing, so thank you all for taking the time x x

     

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