Finally did it!

[BB123]

Hi all,

Haven’t been on here in a while.

I was planning to stay until after Christmas but I couldn’t take it anymore! Had been getting silent treatment (detail removed by Moderator) so decided to leave on (detail removed by Moderator).

Staying with friend and I’m feeling extremely guilty.
Guilty about leaving him on his own and over Christmas. I know he drove me to this and I had no choice but still feeling guilty.

This is a lot harder than I thought would be!

[KIP.]

He has programmed you to feel guilty. That’s how they control us. You have nothing to feel guilty about. The very first time he abused you he gave you permission to walk away. You know what awaits you If you return. A continuous stream of abuse. He is not your responsibility. You need to look after you because he has shown he can’t x

[KIP.]

Well done. That took guts x

[Eggshells]

Well done BB123. I’m so proud of you. He’ll get the Christmas he deserves – no need to feel guilty. He won’t be worrying about you so you don’t need to worry about him. Focus on you now, you deserve your love and care, he doesn’t.

[Hetty]

You’ve been so brave. Welcome to the other side! Did he feel guilty when he was abusing you and making your life hell? I would guess it would be a no. I’ve just been to pick up my turkey for me and my young child. I was devastated to go and pick it up alone. My child said at least we will have peace this year. Such words of wisdom keeping me grounded in reality. I had been feeling a little guilt about my ex who may spend part of his day alone but then I think 1) he always moaned at me and when I ever asked him to contribute to the expensive Christmas shop he’d refuse saying I’d have to buy it anyway. It would be me in the kitchen slaving away with no thanks, not able to have a Christmas night out with my friends without facing punishment at a later point, and 2) did he feel guilt when I had to pack up abs leave my home? Nope!
Don’t berate yourself for putting you first because you can rest assured these men only ever think of themselves.
I hope you have a safe and peaceful Christmas. I can’t wait for it to be over. It’s a hard time to leave but tells me things have obviously been so so bad for you x

[Empoweredhealing]

You have done the best possible thing in order start living the healthy life you deserve!!
In order to stay on the path of healing, please know that you’ll need a lot of support. Few people in your life will be able to really understand what you’ve gone through and are going through. Some friends and family will even inadvertently encourage you to go back to the relationship because they don’t understand the nature of abuse. So please continue to get support from survivors through forums, books etc… The moment that abuse is recognized is the moment healing begins. Congratulations!!

[BB123]

Thank you all so much for your comments and support.

I know I should just been getting on with my life but I feel like I’m giving up on him.

He phoned last night and was super nice asking how I was, I know he’s only trying to suck me back in to his mind games.

I’m (detail removed by moderator) and he wants to talk, rich considering he was giving me silent treatment all last week!

He’s panicking he never ever thought I would leave!!

Just going to be honest with him stay calm. if he starts twisting everything to being my fault I’m just going to turn and walk out.

[Hawthorn]

Be so very careful. Every interaction with him gives him the opportunity to draw you in and suck your strength. Honesty gets us nowhere with these men- they cant even be honest with themselves. They study and analyse us throughout our relationships and know exactly how to manipulate us. We are no match for their cunning which is why no or minimal contact is always recommended here and elsewhere.
It’s so difficult and my heart goes out to you. You are not giving up on him. None of us can fix another person. We are all only responsible for ourselves and our young children if we have them.
Dont give up on yourself.
If you must collect the presents (could he give them out?)please try to just get them and go. Talking with him will be so confusing and painful. Be kind to yourself and avoid that pain and confusion if you can
Sending strength and big hugs xx

[KIP.]

He will say what you want to hear to suck you back in. Absolutely zero contact is the only way to deal with these men. This is the most dangerous time for women when they end an abusive relationship. Stay away x

[BB123]

Hi,
So he’s claiming he has been suffering from depression for last lot of years.
So feeling bad I went back!

Last night I was getting the blame of not getting him help!
I don’t think he has depression, I think he has behavioural issues.
So now his family are all feeling sorry for him and I’m the wicked witch who left him.

So I’m back few days and I am absolutely exhausted. I feel drained.
Not sure if this is normal or if I’m coming down with something.

He’s agreed to see a doctor, but we’ll see if he actually does.
In meantime I’m still looking for rented accommodation. To me nothings changed. He’s still selfish and self centred.

I’m feeling rather silly for coming back and feel like my life is complete mess at the minute.

[Hetty]

Hi BB123,

Please don’t give yourself a hard time or feel silly as you put it. We need to be mentally strong and berating yourself won’t help you. You need to be your own best friend. Think what you would tell a best friend in your situation. No doubt you’d probably tell her how incredibly difficult it is to leave and that she must think about what she wants from her life, that she has choices and she can be happy again.
These men are excellent at playing the victim. We can’t fix them. My ex has had counselling and been on meds. Nothing changes. He still came home and called me a c**t and raged at me and my child. We were his emotional punchbag and kept him feeling ok. Why would they want to give that up? If his family are being dragged into feeling sorry for him they are enabling him to sit pretty in the victim role without any accountability for his abusive actions.
Our love won’t change these men. We need to love ourselves and our children (if we have them) first and foremost.
I imagine you’re emotionally drained abs this is why you feel the way you do, the adrenaline of leaving and going back. It plays havoc with our bodies. Please be kind to yourself. You’re not alone. Can you talk to women’s aid to support you to leave? xx

[Anonymous]

Hi BB123,

I left many times before I finally left for good. Every time I went back was because my then partner made up some sort of sob story or promised to never do a,b or c again. Every time I went back the good behaviour lasted less and less. At the beginning he could go a good (detail removed by moderator) weeks being the decent partner, towards the very end, he could only keep it up for a few hours at most.

Let’s look at the positives:

You’ve realised your error very quickly
You’ve seen his manipulation of his family first-hand
You’re witnessing his triangulation of you via his family
You’re aware he has given himself a formal diagnosis of depression without seeing a clinical expert as just another form of his manipulation to make you return to a life you left
You’re looking for your next and hopefully final exit from this relationship

x

[KIP.]

Depression does not cause abuse. Abuse is a choice he makes. Be careful because you will be punished for leaving and you won’t see it coming. I went back too and it only took days before the abuse started again. You now know you have the strength to leave and I would start the process again. Keep that secret journal. You’re exhausted because that’s what walking on eggshells does to us. He knows exactly what he’s doing. You are not to blame for any of this. He is not your responsibility. It’s not your responsibility to get him help. More blaming and manipulation x

[Author]

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