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It’s been a loooooong time, over a decade of emotional abuse in all forms and on top of that he’s an alcoholic. Left him multiple times but this time I know it’s for good, it has to be. Saddest part, the kids being happy that he’s gone, that’s their dad and they are relieved.
Anyway why do I still help him? He’s homeless, I’m still stressing over finding a home, feel like I can’t truly be at peace until he lives somewhere. He rang very late at night and im running out to buy him food and take it to him. Hes asking for sex then acting shocked, like im out of order to say no. He hasn’t even asked about the kids once. I’m still making excuses for him. Maybe it’s a long road ahead but I’m determined I’m not going back.
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Good for you on being determined not to go back. When you feel tempted to take care of him, you could remind yourself that he hasn’t asked about the children and they are relieved that he’s not around.
My ex is also an alcoholic and has no-one else in his life but me. Somehow I feel responsible for him and his happiness. (detail removed by Moderator) is his (detail removed by Moderator) and I want to reach out and say (detail removed by Moderator). I won’t because I’ll get sucked back in to feeling like I have to take care of him.
It’s hard to break these care taking cycles though isn’t it? Good luck
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Hi Ihavenofriends,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to share with others who understand.
For a long time, he’s been abusing and manipulating you and it does take time to break from those patterns. He’s continuing his abuse and using whatever he can to keep or regain control over you. Many women find that they need to limit contact with an abuser or go no contact for this reason. He knows that you are a caring person and so uses that in his abuse. Abusers manipulate the feeling of obligation, but he is responsible for his current situation, he is an adult and can either manage these issues himself or get support from someone who isn’t you to help him. It’s normal to struggle with what you’re going through and it’s really positive that you’re reaching out here to talk about it.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
Thankyou lisa, it’s been a long hard draining road and just both of your replies make me feel stronger. I had him text alot tonight to stay just until he finds somewhere but I know it’s a way to get back in, I’ve said ask family. It’s true exactly what your saying but I still look at him as not abuser, I say he is i know he is but I look at him and think no your not.
Yesican…it’s another level when they’re alcoholic aswell because they have even more vulnerable moments and looking so helpless at times, feeling responsible for them to keep safe. Plus he has noone else either as he relies on me so much so I can relate to that to but you really got to get out of the situation, please don’t feel guilty anymore xx
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Hi, firstly well done with staying strong. I just wanted to come on to say that I still tried to support my ex husband with his drinking for (detail removed by Moderator) months after I left. The day I left something clicked and I had enough, but the empathy in me led me to still think I could help him until I realised the manipulation wasn’t going to stop, the verbal abuse was never going to stop, the stalking, playing the victim on social media, until I had another click moment where I realised I was never going to be free until I blocked him, involved the police and eventually got a restraining order.
We have to go through the motions, I always knew that I had to 100% know that I tried everything I could. I’m happy now, live a lonely life but it is so much better on my own.
Stay strong, knowing your own self worth is powerful, sending love xx
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So so difficult. I’m kind of in the same boat. Had mine removed from my home and he was homeless for a few days. Now living in a shared house but it’s randomly near to me.
I hate the idea of helping him and occasionally I have. Mentally I can’t get over what I’d do if he turned up again with his bags and say he’d messed up with his money. I think once I move away and he dosnt know my new address then that will make it easier to really cut the ties.none of this is easy. At the end of the day, giving people respect and dignity is a core value for me and i feel at peace with myself that I’ve done everything I can since splitting up to ensure that he is also fine and steady so we can move on.
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