Finally joined the forum ! Message of hope.

[Pearlescent]

Hi,

I have recently joined the forum after many months of thinking and planning to !

I fled from an abusive relationship a good few years ago now with the help of womensaid who found me a refuge. This was my second attempt and knew without any doubt that I would never go back this time. Whilst living at the refuge I got involved in another abusive relationship which lasted a couple of years. I felt like such a failure and that I had let myself and my children down again.
However, many years down the line I have just got married to the most wonderful, caring, generous man that makes me feel loved and cherished every single day. I am free.
So to all those struggling with the first months and years of trying to be “free” – keep going. Every small step builds up your self belief, self confidence and feelings of self worth. It may not seem that way at the moment but a few more months or years down the line you will be so proud of yourself and what you are doing right now.

I still have my off days, my dreams, films and programmes that make me squirm inside and that I have to turn off, feelings of guilt towards my children but I try not to dwell on them and remind myself of how far I have come and how happy my children are now.

I just wanted to post on here to let people know that there IS live after abuse, you can find happiness – you have to find it in yourself first before looking for someone else to provide it for you, you can be free and by that I mean that there will become a time when you stop feeling like a victim and “damaged goods”.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

What a lovely post to inspire us ladies , sending you loads of love xx

[iwillbeok]

Perfect timing for your post thank you Pearlescent! Was feeling very miserable but with the support of ladies on here, being open with my friends and a long chat with my parents I’m feeling okay again.

Theres work to be done but if it means a happy life for my children and me then I will contunue to slog through the emotional times and recognise just how far I have come in whatis really quite a short time compared to how ong I was trapped…

Bless you x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Pearlescent,

Thanks for sharing your story, it’s so so positive to hear how you fled from such a dark place, took the steps and time to recover and now have a loving healthy, relationship and a healthy, positive outlook on life. This is definitely what I am aiming for. Most days it feels like an impossible dream but to know you went from a refuge to where you are now is wonderful to hear.

If you don’t mind me asking, did you have therapy to uncover any patterns of dating abusive men and healing the traumas? How did it feel when you met your husband and did it feel different straight away?

I have a sort of plan in my head of what I need to do to get an abuse-free life so it would be interesting to hear how you got there. 🙂

[Pearlescent]

Hi SunshineRainflower,

No therapy although I did become aware of my “usual type” and their seemingly attractive traits that are no good – arrogance, overly confident, demanding etc. I then tried to steer well clear of anyone I met that had these traits. Another thing these men had in common was a) children that they did not have much contact with and b) not very good relationships with their parents and other family members. I try not to judge as no-one knows a strangers story but years down the line I feel that this indicates that they are unable to sustain meaningful relationships (just my opinion !).

I also found that as my self worth increased I attracted more people (not just men) that appreciated my worth if that make sense ? This is when I realised you have to make yourself happy and almost fall in love with yourself before looking to others for those things.

When I met my husband he was not at all my usual type and to be honest I thought he was a bit quiet and boring and nervous ! Luckily I recognised that this could be a good thing and rather than look for those butterflies moments and ups and downs of what I thought a relationship should be like I just kept an eye out for reasons NOT to date him and get to know him (anger, arrogance, letting me down etc). He never gave me any reason to stop dating him and the rest is history !

I know it is easier said than done but build yourself up by small accomplishments and treat yourself how you would like someone to treat you. It’s a tough journey so do remember to compliment yourself on every tiny step.

I hope that helps !!
x*x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Pearlescent, great reply, I know exactly what you mean about attracting the right kinds of people into your life as I’m currently struggling with an old friend who I’ve noticed is very disapproving of me, controlling and I always get this vibe from her that she is angry with me for some unknown crime. I am so used to people acting like this towards me because my family always have but now I am realising that is is technically abusive. I always just thought there was something wrong with me for years, wondered if I was this terrible selfish person, and was always trying to please these people and feeling whatever I did was wrong even though I knew I wasn’t do anything wrong if that makes sense. I’ve finally realised that you can never win with people like this and that they act disapproving whatever you do. It’s so great to be removing people like this from my life, I feel much more at peace when I don’t have to deal with them.

It’s so freeing to be on this journey finally but I am very alone. Maybe that’s for the best right now. That’s so lovely about your husband and how you were mindful of the type to avoid but it also became an internal attitude that changed within you as a result of healing.

Thanks for sharing your story, I hope you keep going from strength to strength. 🙂

[Nova]

hi Pearl, thanks for sharing, great to hear and I agree with loving oneself, building a new life and gradually..a new mindset to break the chains of the abuser..

I agree with your point about distance from their children…my ex was 100%…like that…though contrarily his siblings were elevated to iconic status(safety net)

Anyways, forget ‘them’!

…lets focus on the positive!!
Its fab your in a new place and with a nice guy, I know they exist!
..lovely to hear from you & thanks for posting, its so good to know & inspiring for other women.

Best wishes Cx

[Pearlescent]

Hi SunshineRainFlower, sorry for delay in replying – I do think the road to recovery is really lonely, but it’s meant to be that way because that’s when you learn to rely on yourself, trust yourself and more importantly rate yourself ! I did have nights of crying into the pillow and thinking “why me”, I still do sometimes but that;s ok. Sometimes you need to feel for yourself and give yourself a break from being strong, then pick yourself back up and carry on. So many people have heard my story and told me how strong I am, as you know I didn’t feel strong at the time, you just have to keep going as there isn’t another option ! I feel that this is a great forum to use when you do feel lonely, there’s so many with you on your journey. It sounds like you are doing great and building up yourself – keep going ! x

Thanks Cuppa, they certainly do exist. We all know it I think but how do you find them ! I just concentrated on the fact that “you will never find someone / something different if you look in the same places (or look for the same things)”. x

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you for this post Pearl. Sometimes the bad days creep in, but this has pepped me up today. Thank you. xx

[lilaclady]

This is just the post I needed to read today after telling my ex it is over. Thank you for posting it is good to know there is life after this! xx

[Pearlescent]

Glad I can be of help ! Bad days will come but they will also go and they will become fewer and further between. Plus they are leading to better days ahead unlike the “bad” days within the relationship xx

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