Finally left

[Anonymous]

I’ve finally left my partner/father of my children . I’d been asking him to leave for months but he insisted he wouldn’t so I’ve moved to a new place with the kids . He has now left the old house and left it all to me to sort out house removals etc on my own with two kids . He has also said he won’t see the kids again .
This week has been one of the hardest of my life and my anxiety is through the roof . My childrens behaviour has gotten so out of hand but it’s understandable given they’ve just had to leave their home and dad and school so suddenly . I just want to know if any one else here have been in a similar situation ?if so how/when did things improve ? I feel me and my kids are all traumatised and I’m scared . I’m glad I’ve finally found the strength to leave but keep doubting myself , especially because of the kids as their behaviour is so so bad right now & I feel like I’m failing them massively x

[Wants To Help]

Hi rabbithole,

You have just gone through a huge, life changing experience. They say that a bereavement, a separation and a house move are among the biggest causes of stress in our lives and you have just gone through two of them. In some aspect, if he is now refusing to see the children, the children are also going through a living bereavement. You are not failing at all, you are dealing with a lot of difficulties and it is understandable that you are feeling traumatised – you are traumatised.

He is now acting in a way to further punish you for leaving him and he is also using the children to punish you. If you have any text messages or emails or voice recordings of him saying he doesn’t want to see the children then keep these safe.

You say he has now left the old house? Is this the house that you wanted him to move out from for so long? If so, is that an owned house or was it rented? Have you moved to temporary accommodation or have you taken on a new tenancy for a period of time? Now he has gone from that house, could you seek an Occupation Order to return to it and keep him excluded from it?

What financial commitment do you have to the old house? With regards to the furniture there, do you need any of it? Is there a certain time frame to sort all of this out? Why does it fall on you? What would happen if you don’t sort it out? What legal responsibility does he have for it?

I know you feel you have been left with a lot to sort out, but there is probably no rush to sort all this out immediately, these things take time. Do you have any family that can help with some of the issues, for example, packing up the contents of the old house?

The priority right now is the stability and health of you and your children. Have they had to change schools due to moving away? Are the school aware of the reason why you moved? Trying to keep them in a routine (especially if they are primary school age) may help, sticking to bed times etc, but if they are secondary school age I understand this will be harder, especially if teenage hormones and anger are kicking in.

Try not to panic. You can only deal with one thing at a time, so take a deep breath and write a list prioritising the order that you need to do things and a time frame they need to be done by. Ask for help from family and friends and accept any that is offered.

[KIP.]

If you want to and can safely move back to the original home and legally have him excluded then now is the time to do it. It’s difficult to get an abuser out if he refuses to go but if he has already left then I’d get the kids back home and inform the police. Talk to a solicitor as soon as possible.

[Anonymous]

Hi there thanks so much for the reply ,I was feeling really overwhelmed and still am .
we were renting the old place and on a joint tenancy , I had the opportunity to rent this new place so I took it , to be honest the town is better it’s not too far from our last town , the schools I’ve enrolled the kids in seem fantastic and I do have more friends here so in some respects this is a good thing that I’ve moved I just didn’t want to move like this – rushing out the door with no belongings and abbrubtly changing my kids lives but he made my life so unbearable and wouldn’t just move out when I asked .I’ve got about (detail removed by Moderator) weeks to clear the house out and now I’ve got two houses to pay rent for until that time , I was the person who sorted all bills and rent through my bank account as he never dealt with anything like that so I do feel it’s now all down to me otherwise I’ll lose any kind of deposit left . I’m going to return for my furniture etc next week now he’s confirmed with estate agents he’s left the property (after weeks of messing me and them around )
I could now move back to the old house I suppose but I feel I can’t just change my mind again as the kids are confused enough and only just adjusting to living here . I do have more opportunity with jobs and social life here I just don’t know how to get my kids to settle they are so angry and confused and I can’t even tell them when they’ll see their dad again as he won’t! For now .. until he decides he wants to then he’ll just manipulate them and make my life hell that way instead! X sorry for the rant and thank again for your replies it means a lot

[KIP.]

It sound like you did the right thing by moving and it sounds like you will have a great life there once things settle down. Abusers leave us zero choice so we often have to leave in chaos. That’s what an abuser does. Don’t make excuses for him with the kids. Be honest and don’t be used by him. Use this opportunity to put as much distance between you and if he won’t see his kids then that’s a blessing because he is already abusing them by refusing to see them and that’s purely to hurt you. And that will continue for years and years. He wants you running after him and he will do what he can to punish you so protect yourself. Absolutely zero direct contact is what you should aim for now. Use a third party for all contact. When daddy hurts mummy is a good book by Lundy Bancroft. Get some legal advice and make sure you’re the legal resident parent or he can take the kids and not return them. Support from your local women’s aid is vital. Never underestimate these men. Life is much easier without being dragged down by their behaviour x well done you x kids are resilient so give them space but firm boundaries. This is not an excuse for them to treat you badly, something many kind learn from abusive fathers. Power to you. You’ve just saved them. Children from abusive homes are far more likely to be abused as adults. Keep going 💕

[Anonymous]

Thanks for that KIP I really needed to hear those words , makes me feel like i am doing the right thing .
How do I go about getting legal resident parent ? We both have parental responsibility I think , I wouldn’t put it past him to try and take them one day just to hurt me , I’ll ask womens aid about it tomorrow I’ve got a lady who’s been ringing me .
The kids have been treating me terribly to be honest, I did say to them that I understand why they are feeling sad right now but it doesn’t give them an excuse to treat me like that . I’m really trying to get some kind of discipline in place because I feel like it’s now my two young children giving me abuse instead of him but at the same time feel guilty because I feel I’ve caused them all this stress to make them behave this way . My eldest when through my phone (detail removed by Moderator) unblocked his father and tried to call him , I’ve since changed the password, now im worried he thinks it’s me trying to contact him .
Kids blame me for everything and say that I’ve gotten rid of their dad and now they don’t have one . I feel like just saying ‘but you’re dad is nasty to me & making my life horrible!’ but I think they’re too young and I don’t want my feelings towards him be known to them . Oh it’s so hard . Hopefully day by day things will get better .. I’m too scared to look forward to the future right now in case something bad happens with him stirring up chaos as usual but I do feel slight relief now that I’m finally out of the house away from him xx

[N-Survivor]

Well done to you!

I felt a sense of relief when your ex said he wasn’t going to see the kids again. But I understand how traumatic it is for the children. Co-parenting with an antagonistic person can be so hard. The children get turned against you, the routine is out of the window, they get manipulated and you get abused.

On the other hand you want your kids to form their own opinions about the other parent and you want to avoid being blamed for them not seeing their dad.

I think we can’t win. Considering all the actual parenting will be left to us, the rules, the discipline, the kids would want to be with fun-dad. We can only hope that in time they will see him for the person he is.

[Anonymous]

Thank you ! I don’t really want him involved with them because I know he’ll manipulate them and reverse all the hard work I’m now putting in to make everyone happier and better mentally , although he’s said he won’t see them again i know this is just his current punishment tactic , to hurt them therefore hurt me . I think at some point this will change though and he will suddenly decide he ‘wants his boys right now’ ..this has happened in the past when I attempted to leave him . I’m dreading it.

[Author]

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