Finally realised… want to share my story

[Upsidedownrightwayup]

I recently realised that I have been in an abusive relationship for many many years. I want to try to share my story with you because, although I got a lot of comfort from reading other women’s stories in the forums, I couldn’t find anyone who had taken so long to realise something was really wrong. I know I am not the only one, and there must be thousands of women like me who have never posted on here before. So I hope this helps someone else.

My partner always had a terrible temper, which he showed me right from the start. But he was also a complete charmer, everyone who met him loved him and got on with him. I was very young, head over heels in love, and really wanted the relationship to work. He told me very early on that we shouldn’t ever talk about our relationship to other people, because it was private, and if we had any problems we should talk about them together. I think he even made me promise.

I realise now, that was a massive red flag! But I had very little experience in relationships and just thought that this was what it was like to be in a grown up, serious relationship.

I don’t want to write a book here so I’ll try to summarise the behaviours that I now realise were abusive and controlling…

– arguments – these would often be about nothing. He would say I had provoked him in some way – ‘bit his head off’ or snapped at him, or been moody. After a while, they all seemed to be the same. I always wound up feeling that I had done something wrong, I needed to be a better person, and felt terrible. He never apologised. If I said sorry, he would say ‘sorry for arguing’. If I was upset he would say I over reacted or I was too sensitive. I felt silly for letting things he said get to me.

– verbal abuse – at the beginning this was just during arguments. It was horrendous. He knew my insecurities and would say the most hurtful things he could. At the beginning I was still fairly confident and would try to defend myself, which made the fights escalate. He never hit me, but I actually hit myself a few times and scratched my arms and legs because I hated myself so much. I also sometimes curled up in a ball and covered myself with my arms to try and protect myself from what he was saying about me.
more recently, he regularly called me a b***h, for really small things. then an hour later, he’d say we were best friends.

– physical intimidation – he never actually hit me. But he told me how he had smashed his phone up once because he was so angry at me. He sometimes hit other things like walls or doors. He would bite his own finger sometimes as if he was trying not to do something worse. Sometimes he got right into my face or shook his finger at me. I feared for my safety at times and felt terrified.

-mr nice – right after a fight, or the next day, he would go back to ‘normal’ – kind, generous, attentive, loving. He was always taking me out to dinner, on holidays, to hotels, buying me anything I said I liked, buying expensive gifts for me. he wanted to be with me all the time. if I was going out with friends he wanted to come. If he didn’t come he would give me money for drinks or for a taxi home. He would make me promise to get a taxi, but it didn’t feel nice, it felt like I had no choice and that I wasn’t safe on my own.

– respect – we didn’t move in together for a long time, but once we did, things got worse. we had more fights and he really seemed to monitor my movements. But I didn’t notice this at the time. I genuinely felt like everything was perfect, apart from when we argued. I even called the domestic abuse line once, but as I was so unsure myself, I felt convinced that nothing was really wrong. We were looking for a house to buy together and so things were stressful and I thought that must be it.
when we bought a home, he made all the big decisions. he said it was ‘our money’ but then would decide to spend thousands on a new bathroom or kitchen, but not let me buy us a new bed. when i fell pregnant, I said please lets not start new projects, but he went ahead anyway and for most of the pregnancy we had no kitchen.

– control – he didn’t allow me to drive. But he never said ‘I won’t let you drive’. instead, he would say he liked driving, or why don’t you relax, I’ll let you know if I need help driving.
at home, I had to be with him all the time, and he made me feel guilty for doing something different to him. ‘you’ve been out all day so don’t you want to spend time with me?’
he would get angry if I drank too much, and as a young student, of course this happens sometimes. If I went out with friends, he wanted to know how many drinks, what they were, what we talked about, where we went. I made excuses not to drink sometimes so I wouldn’t have to lie to him later.
he made me feel guilty for not spending time with him, to the point where I didn’t see my friends often and didn’t make new ones. I turned down opportunities because it would mean not spending time with him.
asking who a text was from and what it said – sometimes I’d just give him my phone so he could read my messages, as that was easier.

When I finally realised, recently, that it was abuse, I felt so angry at myself for having a child with him. But now I realise, actually my child is the one who helped me get out. Because I started thinking, ‘I don’t want our child to see him talk to me like this’. I started saying ‘don’t treat me like that in front of our child’. He wasn’t very supportive of me breastfeeding. I found it hard to bond with my son as he barely slept until 7 months so I was exhausted. My partner would ask me regularly ‘do you love him?’ what kind of question is that?! When he cried, my partner would get angry or stressed, so I spent all my time worrying when he was going to cry next, trying to fix it as quickly as I could.

I used to get periods of depression and bad days (I had very low self esteem) and for some reason, the last time that happened I made a connection, and realised an argument with him had triggered it. I googled ‘depression and abuse’ and everything started to fit into place. It took me months to get the courage to call womens aid, then to tell a friend, then to tell him and ask him to give me some space to think. When he moved out, I was so shocked to find that I was terrified of him coming back and losing his temper. I expected to miss him and to struggle not to see him all the time. But instead, to this day I haven’t missed him at all. I hoped that he would join an abuser programme, but he didn’t, and eventually I made the decision to end things. I have realised now I don’t love him any more.

I must have been in denial for years, but each day that goes by I am more confident that I have done the right thing. I must have googled ‘is this abuse’ thousands of times, reading on my phone under the covers so he wouldn’t wake up.

I hope this helps someone else.

[Mummyboo]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too was in my relationship for a very long time and it’s only recently that I have stepped out of denial and realised it was abuse. So much of your story mirrored my own, probably the only difference was that my husband sadly was physically abusive on occasions.
Thanks again and wishing you the best. xoxo

[KIP.]

Hey, thanks for sharing. Just to let you know it took decades for me to realise I was being abused. My abuser was so manipulating using fear, obligation and guilt. Telling me it was all my fault. Driving me to mental health problems which clouded things even more when doctors were prescribing anti anxiety and depression drugs. It wasn’t until I found Women’s Aid that they painted the whole clear picture. The most shocking thing for me was that he totally knew what he was doing. The abuse was planned and premeditated. Waiting until we were alone. And the pathological lying took years for me to come to term with. What kind of a man swears on the life of his children? Knowing it’s a lie! I just had no experience of this level of evil. Especially from someone I loved and thought loved me in return. Good riddance to bad rubbish x they should teach young girls about this kind of relationship from a very early age x

[Upsidedownrightwayup]

Thank you so much mummyboo and KIP. It’s really comforting to know others who have taken a long time to understand things were not ok. When someone you love and trust tells you that what is happening is just a ‘normal’ relationship with ups and downs, everyone argues sometimes, you believe them.

I completely agree KIP, this stuff should be in schools. Every relationship is different but there are lots of massive warning signs that all girls & boys should know about.

Hope both of you are happier now x*x

[Relieved]

It is being taught in some schools – my kids had our local DV service visiting regularly. I’m very aware of it on TV too now – EastEnders and Corrie both have story lines with controlling behaviour at the fore – I try to use these to talk to my kids about it.

I too took decades to realise what was happening to me and there must be numerous women out there still unaware and I feel a responsibility to spread the word. I find the older generation much more accepting of this type of behaviour as “normal” and women were supposed to do as they were told by their husbands. I think I had that at the back of my mind for many years but came to realise more recently that I was deeply unhappy and only when my GP suggested I call the local DV service did I start to think I was in an abusive relationship. It was a massive revelation and now see that he was controlling from day 1!

[Ariel]

Thank you, I too realise now after nearly 2 decades. Just so hard to get out of it. I saw a w a worker and she said make him leave don’t give up your house. Its council but the conciseness of that would be massive. So it’s easier if I went. My children are teenagers and don’t want to leave the house…..feel trapped and watching my life pass me by. Sometimes I just cry walking around the supermarket and have to fight back the tears before he sees.

[SunshineRainflower]

Upsidedownrightwayup,

I can relate to lots of what you said, your ex sounds a lot like mine in that abuse was in many ways subtle, so that I absolutely had no idea I was in an abusive relationship and instead thought I’d been really lucky to meet such a great guy! A lot of controlling behaviour is framed as ‘sweet,’ ‘sexy’ and ‘romantic’ by Hollywood ie. leaving roses outside a door, apologising with flowers and chocolates after doing something awful, not taking no for an answer. Like you I had weird moments where I started to see glimpses of reality, such as when my ex bought me roses something about it seemed a bit eerie, and later on when he said ‘you can trust me’ I thought ‘that’s exactly the kind of thing an untrustworthy person would say.’ These incidents increased until I had a horrific dawning realisation that he was a violent misogynist and had been lying to me, cheating on me and abusing me the whole time without me even realising because he was so good at playing the perfect boyfriend role most of the time that I dismissed all the red flags.

Don’t feel bad for the amount of time it took to realise, what matters is that you did realise. I think a lot of outside factors influence the ‘realisation and acceptance’ stage, it not an easy place to get to, it’s easier to stay in denial.

Ariel I’m v sorry to hear how stuck you are feeling, I remember feeling miserable walking around the supermarket too with my ex following me around with a scowl on his face. Have you rung the helpline for some advice on how to break free of him? There are definitely options for you and ways to start afresh. There is also Rights of Women and CAB. Please don’t give up and resign yourself to staying with him, you deserve so much more and lots of ladies on here have managed to escape and start new lives.

[Dragonfly]

Thanks for sharing. I was in my marriage for (detail removed by moderator) then somehow ended up diving head first into another abusive relationship. The last one could have killed me. I keep thinking how b****y stupid could I actually be?!?!? I knew my marriage was a state but thought as I worked part time and looked after our child I couldn’t leave. In fact the opposite was true. It’s MY home. I own it, my work are very supportive, I got tax credits and am so glad I asked the husband to leave. Even tho I jumped straight in to hell with the next one. I’m free now.

I think acceptance of what/how we were living for years on end is difficult but once it really sinks in it’s only then that you can begin to move forward. Still keep thinking I’m the idiot that stayed too long though.

I wish you well.

[Upsidedownrightwayup]

Relieved – that is so brilliant that they are talking about it more in schools, and not just in a physically abusive context. I will do my best to help my son and any other young people I know to understand how this can happen to anyone and that there are some things that are unacceptable in any relationship. I think you’re right about it being seen as ‘normal’ by some generations.

I think I kept myself in the relationship for a long time because of this. It was easy to describe most of his behaviour in a way that would make friends & colleagues say ‘ahhh how sweet, you’re so lucky to have him, etc etc’. And the bad times were so short – a few minutes here, a few hours there – and the rest of the time my ex seemed so nice. So it was easy to convince myself that everyone has faults, no relationship is perfect, relationships take work, etc etc. It kept me with him.

I didn’t ever discuss my relationship with friends or family. So it’s only now that I am being so open about it with everyone I know, that I realise he is the only person who thinks his behaviour is normal. Everyone else I know has been shocked by his temper, control and disrespect.

Ariel – I think the best advice I got, once I had realised what was wrong, was to take my time. Do things in your own time, whatever feels right. If you can find a way to keep a diary – on your phone, at work, somewhere safe – this really helped me too. Just writing down whatever was in my head. My GP also signed me off work sick for a couple of weeks, and this time and space to think really helped. If you are scared of your partner, trust your gut. But I have realised now, that the only one who will ever know what it is like to be in your relationship is you. It took me time to be confident I was making the right decision and find a plan that worked for me, because it had been so long since I had made a decision independently, without him.

The other thing that gave me a weird sense of comfort (when we were still together), was thinking – this is not forever. Either we will break up and he will not have control of me anymore / make me feel like this. Or, he might change and try to get professional help. Either way, I knew that things would get better eventually, now that I had realised what was wrong.

Sunshinerainflower – thank you so much for your support. You are right, because lots of the abuse is ‘subtle’ it is very hard to describe at first, and takes a while to kind of reframe everything. When my ex moved out and I finally had space to myself to come to terms with everything, I felt like everything was turned upside down. What I thought was normal was actually abuse. But at the same time, it felt like things were finally the right way up.

Dragonfly – thank you for sharing… please don’t feel bad or blame yourself. It wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for your abusive ex’s who didn’t know how to treat you nicely. My therapist said something today that kind of helped me feel less guilty – she said that sometimes our psychological immune system kind of goes into emergency mode, so we might choose to stay in denial longer in order to survive. I was questioning things a lot when I was pregnant, but when I got CBT for depression at the time, the therapist kind of helped me convince myself it was all normal, just hormones etc. And looking back, if I had left then and had the baby alone, I would have had to deal with all of this (constant contact from him, guilt trips, coming to terms with many traumatic experiences in the past that I had ‘forgotten’) as well as a newborn baby. So it’s almost like my brain was like, no, lets wait, stay in denial a bit longer. Weird, but it made me feel better.

And I can feel now how vulnerable I am and how easy it would be to fall into another relationship – any relationship – from what I have heard it happens a lot so please don’t feel bad for that either. I think you are brilliant for having the courage to leave twice.

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